Page 79 of The Jester and His Outlaw: Part One

Spinning around, I try to sit, but Riggs catches me by the hips and pulls me into his lap. A squeak of surprise escapes me and he laughs. It’s definitely not a wholehearted laugh, but it’s enough to stop me in my tracks. He wraps me in his arms and I lay my head back on his shoulder.

“I want to tell you everything about my life, Charley,” he admits, speaking quietly as he watches the hustle and bustle of the playground. Parents and kids are everywhere, plastered all over the place. Some adults are climbing on the play set with them, while others are content to watch from the side. I swear when one mother hoists herself up on the platform, I can see the entire thing shift, and I cringe. “But that scares the shit out of me.”

My hands come to rest over his. “I get that, but you shouldn’t be scared. I’ll admit, I’m not sure why I’m drawn to you after our past, but I always have been. There was something about you from the start, even when you were being a jerk, that drew me in, that wanted you to like me. Maybe not like this, but I didn’t want you to see me the way you did. I couldn’t let it go. It doesn’t make any sense. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to fight it any longer.”

“I’m attached to you. I’ve never been attached to anyone.”

“That’s not true. You have Gramma, and I’m sure you have some sort of attachment to Jensen. There has to be a girl you’ve been with before. Layla?” The thought irks me. I want to turn and peer over my shoulder at him, but he keeps me in place.

“No. No girls. I don’t let them get close enough.”

“Why don’t you let anyone in?” I ask tentatively, afraid he’s going to shut down at any minute.

“Because they’ll leave,” he says in a style that is so matter-of-fact it makes my chest hurt.

“How do you know they’ll leave?”

“I just do.” He shrugs beneath me.

I can’t help myself when I say, “No, there has to be a reason.”

“I told you, my past is too dark.”

“You keep telling me that, but you haven’t told me why. I’m assuming that as close as you are with Jensen, he knows?” Riggs pauses for a minute, and I fight the urge to turn around and look at him again. I want to see him, judge his reactions to my questions, and I want to stop him from grinding his teeth. But he doesn’t want me to, so I won’t.

I figure the conversation is over when he finally confirms. “He knows.”

“And he hasn’t left you.”

“No, he hasn’t,” he agrees.

A mother is playing tag with her two children. They’re running around in circles, convinced she can’t get them. Their little legs are pumping so hard, their arms flailing around. They are wearing shirts covered in dirt, every inch of exposed skin smudged as well. Giant smiles allow for little fits of laughter to come tumbling out. They gaze at her with so much adoration. I remember a time, albeit brief, that I felt that way about my mother. A fleeting moment but I have the memory. We were playing in a park similar to this one.

“And Gramma?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m pretty sure she loves you with every beat of her heart. No?” With that, he crushes me to him and my heart swells. I hate to be the one to take credit for anything, but the thought that maybe I’m helping him crosses my mind. “They haven’t left you, Riggs. I think you’re giving too much credit to your past and not enough to yourself.”

“You barely know me,” he mutters, his words muffled by my back, his breath hot through my shirt.

“I know enough to see that you’re a good person and that’s all I care about.”

Riggs pulls his head back and allows me to move in his lap. He spins me to the side, and I slide my butt off of his thighs to the bench. The wood is hot against my ass, sweltering under the rays of the sun. The concentrated heat is amazing, though. I lay my head on his chest and he drapes his arms over me as his hand comes to my forearm and rubs lightly. I sink into him with a sigh. This shouldn’t feel this good, but I never want it to stop.

He seems hesitant, rigid, but relaxes.

“Thank you, Charley. I needed this. I’ve never seen a future for myself before. I mean sure, I’ve thought about it, but I never let myself get too much into it.”

“What do you mean?” A shiver of fear for him slices through me.

“Living past thirty never appealed to me. Why live life when you’re so alone? Gramma won’t live forever.” I fight the emotion that his statement brings. Has he been so alone that he plans to kill himself? Who does that?

I’ve been alone, lost in my world, stuck in my past traumas, helpless even when surrounded by tons of people who love me, but I never contemplated ending things. The idea of Riggs doing that to himself makes my stomach clench and my chest ache. Instinctively, I rub the spot over my heart. Riggs grabs my wrist as if he can sense what I’m thinking. “Stop that. Don’t feel that way for me.”

“Riggs, you’re talking about killing yourself. What about Jensen? What does he say in all this?”

“Jensen isn’t my keeper,” he replies, gruff. I can imagine Jensen is his keeper indeed, but I don’t say that. They are as tight as brothers, it’s amazing to watch how they interact. “My father was abusive, Outlaw, to the furthest extent of the word you might find. He broke bones, tortured, starved—” His swallow is so loud I can hear it despite the shrill laughter of the kids around us.

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