Page 43 of The Jester and His Outlaw: Part One

She held me when I cried, tended to my wounds the best she could, but she never asked him to stop, never attempted to get away. Not even once. I would have followed her in a heartbeat.

So, do I blame her for what I’d endured? Hell yeah, I do. But the fucked up thing is, I still love her as if nothing happened.

I often wonder if I only love her because she died by my hand. Had she not, how would I feel about her as an adult?

A damn good question I ask myself almost every day and one to remain forever unanswered.

“Where’s your head at?” Jensen asks from a few headstones away.

“Buried balls deep in a pussy somewhere…” I answer him.

He stops walking, turns to me, and shakes his head. “You’re fucking gross, bro. I wasn’t talking about yourlittlehead and what the shit, children are around.”

I snort a laugh, my first laugh of the day. We came earlier this year than we normally do. I couldn’t wait any longer. And I didn’t bring her flowers as I’ve always done in the past. I can’t take the weight this year. Not for any reason, either. I’m just struggling and not sure why.

This day sucks. Tomorrow is a new day, though, and as ridiculously optimistic as that sounds for my pessimistic little heart, I’m hoping my anxiety will ease when this day is over. I need a damn break from the constant worry and panic.

“They’re all dead, Jensen. This is simply the morbid place where humans worship them. Hundreds of decaying bodies surround you at this moment.” The rolling of his eyes tells me how messed up I am.

“And you’re the one daydreaming about getting your dick wet. What does that say about you?”

“We’ve already established I’m fucked up. We established this long ago,” I retort in a dry tone. This all should be hysterical, but for some reason, it’s way too serious. I also expect an outpouring of emotion to slam into me while I’m here. All karma has dealt me lately is emotion and hasn’t stopped. So why am I numb now? I’m willing to bet that’s why Jensen asked where my head is at. “This year is different, J. I’m blaming her more.”

“Blaming her for what?” Sitting next to me, he extends his arm and starts pulling the weeds away from her headstone, the ones I’ve been staring at but can’t get myself to do anything about. Will they continue to grow until they swallow the dreary stone entirely and she disappears, or will someone do something? Will I feel this way about her forever? Perhaps I’ll learn to hate her instead of grieve for her. Hell, maybe one day I won’t consider myself a murderer. Doubtful.

“For everything—not leaving, not helping, not trying to stop him. For leaving me fucked up. Making me incapable of loving someone and being loved. I always wonder what life would be like if she were just a little bit stronger. If she had told me, even once, whether she believed the words herself or not, things would be okay.”

Jensen’s swallow is audible. “You can’t do that to yourself, man. It’ll drown you in the what-ifs. You didn’t mean to kill her.”

“For the first year, I’m seeing with clarity. To not view myself as a murderer, but I can’t help but blame her for my inability to love, to let anyone in. Fuck J, I’ve hardly ever seen myself past high school. Now I’m already in college and—”

“Just accept this.” He bumps me with his shoulder, a smile creeping across his face.

“My own mother let him put his hands on me day in and day out.” My words are weak and so much hurt and pain is flowing through I’m making myself sad. The thought of placing this on J is awful, but I can’t stop. I need him to learn this today. “He broke bones, J. Nearly all of them—all the little ones at least. Who does that? How am I going to love someone if my own parents beat me? If I can’t, how can I go on by myself for the rest of my life?”

I’m not sure where all of this is coming from, this urge to let it out. Locked up tight with the key thrown away is how I’ve always done emotion. He knows my life. If my revelations surprise him, he isn’t showing, and I can tell he is taking time to calculate his responses. He’s caught off guard like I am and wondering where this is all coming from. There’s still a persistence to unload these thoughts today, for him to tell me things will be okay. I’ve never wanted that and I’m not sure why I do now.

Charley,a faint voice in my head, says. An internal laugh bubbles up at the reminder. No fucking way. I won’t let myself go there, that is for damn sure.

“You won’t be by yourself because you’re going to find someone who is amazing. You deserve this peace. And don’t think for a second your mother didn’t love you.”

“I know she loved me, but she had a fucked up way of showing me, no?”

Chewing on the inside of his cheek, he drops his hands to his thighs and dusts them off. A green tint stains them, along with streaks of mud from pulling weeds. Rain has been dropping non-stop so everything is wet and sticky. Even so, we sit in the grass next to her headstone, anyway.

“Fear makes us do crazy things, Riggsy.” He gives me a knowing look I can’t decipher the meaning of right now. A referral is in there somewhere that I can’t place. He wants to push, and his wheels are turning.

“What?” I urge.

A slick smile is spreading his lips, and his gray eyes are lighting up. He’s analyzing me. Annoyance creeps in until I remind myself I started this. I give him a little, let him in like no one else. I have to let him give his opinions, listen to him. Even if my decision was subconscious, my thoughts poured out for a reason, and I need to accept that.

A casual shrug is all he gives at first. If he won’t say anything, then I’m going to let the subject drop.

A few moments of silence pass. “I’m positive I figured out why you’ve been so upset lately.” The statement hangs in the air for a beat, like he is testing the waters.

“Okay, go on,” I prompt, curious, though I have an inkling of what he’s about to say. I’ve already said it to myself.

“Well, at first it was just this time of year. But now you’re actually talking about a future and shit, about loving someone. Riggs, this conversation of your future hasn’t come up in years. The only thing that has changed, and believe me, I’m ecstatic, is someone is in your life. Your relationship has been more than rocky, but it’s making you question things.”

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