Page 33 of Sean

“Didn’t stop him from trying,” Sean said. His mom had let JP get up on the horse one time in the safety of the paddock. He’d gotten bucked almost before his butt hit the saddle. It had been enough to prove a point.

“Stubborn, through and through.”

Yeah. JP had been stubborn, but so damn sweet, too. Here was the moment to bring up his death. It still took everything in Sean to do it. “We never talked about what happened to JP.”

“You read the report.” Joe’s tone turned gruff.

“I did.” A buddy of his who was a trainer had forwarded it to him at Sean’s request. “You weren’t there.” Sean had wanted to have that piece of information verified.

“Told you that at the funeral.” He had, but Sean had been too lost in his own feelings to really listen. “I might have…” His father trailed off but appeared in the open doorway of Maverick’s stall seconds later. “If I’d been there, I might have prevented it. Probably not. It was a fluke accident, but…hell, I don’t know. I miss him.”

“Me, too,” Sean said. Maverick side-stepped, probably feeling the tension in the small space. Out of habit, Sean soothed the horse by stroking his side. The simple action helped to center the man as well.

“Stupid. Goddamn stupid,” Joe muttered. “Cost me both my boys.”

“That’s not true. I…” Shit. He was going to have to cross into dangerous territory with his next words. “I withdrew from the family, but that was about me. Not you—or Mom or Tara or anyone else. I didn’t mean to hurt everybody. I’m sorry about that. I just thought it would be better if I stayed away.” That had been his rationale, and he’d stuck with it for four years. It no longer made much sense, even to him.

“Your mother was a little hurt. She missed you,” Joe said.

If Sean or his father had been the type of men who could talk about their feelings, this was the moment. Saying that his mom had missed Sean was as good as saying that Joe had. But neither of them was willing to take that leap to own up to their emotions. It was a different version of “the floor is lava.” Their feelings—grief, guilt, and love—were burning patches that neither of them was willing to step onto.

His reply to his dad was equally oblique. “I missed Mom, too, and I’m sorry I hurt her. She had enough to deal with.”

“Got that right.” Joe probably didn’t mean for his words to bring another slice of regret to Sean. They did anyways.

“She’s been so kind to Julia and the kids. I’m grateful for that.” It was tough, but he took the next step, inching closer to saying how he felt. “It’s been good to see Mom and my sisters…well, everybody.”

“Nice having more people around,” Joe said, and the air seemed to lighten. They’d gotten past the initial awkwardness. “Julia’s a sweetheart, and the kids are great. They’ve been good for you.”

“Can’t argue that,” he said, “but our arrangement is temporary. As soon as it’s safe, we’ll go our separate ways.”

“Is that what has to happen? No way you can stay part of their lives?”

He focused on Maverick while he considered his father’s suggestion. A week ago, he’d have said that he couldn’t imagine any version of his future that included a woman and two kids. It scared him how much his perspective had changed. He still expected to part from Julia, to say goodbye to her and the kids when he was assured that they didn’t need him anymore. The thing was that he wasn’t looking forward to that one damn bit.

“Not how it’s going to be,” Sean said to his father. He’d just have to live with that.

SEVENTEEN

Amos bounced onto her bed, his eyes bright and mischievous. Julia was so heartened to see such a happy expression on his face. She gave Amos a hug and gestured for Lucy to join her on the bed, too.

“What’s got you two so smiley?” Julia had gone upstairs after breakfast with the intention of finishing the digital albums for the kids, but her restless night had gotten to her, and she’d closed her eyes for what she’d thought would be only a minute and had probably turned into more like a half hour. If she hadn’t been awake in the night worrying about things she couldn’t change, she wouldn’t have needed to take a morning nap. But she was haunted by what had happened to her sister two years earlier.

During the day, the Millers were doing their best to include her in both work and play as distractions, so it was impossible to wallow in grief all the time. At night, it still got to her sometimes.

The other reason for her sleeplessness was much more pleasant. That kiss she’d shared with Sean in the garage had kept her awake, mind too full of fantasies to leave any room for sleep. As kisses went, it got a gold star—just the right balance of sweet and hot, leaning toward hot. If the kids hadn’t come along, she wasn’t sure where it would have gone.

“We were exploring in Emmy’s room,” Lucy said. “She’s got a whole bunch of dye for hair. Pink, green. All sorts of stuff.”

“Can we dye our hair? Please,” Amos begged. “Please, please, please?” He clasped his little hands beneath his chin.

“It would be so fun,” Lucy added.

And fun had been in short supply for these kids for a long time.

“Sorry, but they were helping me clean out. They’re good assistants,” Emmy said from the doorway. “And then I thought it might not be a bad idea to change their hair color temporarily. I’ve got some stuff that will wash out in a couple of weeks.”

Julia suddenly realized what Emmy was suggesting. Dying their hair would be a disguise for the kids. It wouldn’t fool anyone who truly knew them, but if Wilson sent one of his minions to kidnap them, they might get confused. Julia had already cut Lucy’s long dark hair short and allowed Amos’s blond curls to get longer so they wouldn’t look too similar to any pictures Wilson might share of them. Dye, though, was an inspired plan.

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