Page 92 of Only for Christmas

‘No, it’s not. It was only later that night when I was replaying everything in my head I realised how unfair I’d been to you. You never wanted a relationship, you made that crystal clear from day one, and yet it didn’t stop me pursuing you. I told you I understood why you didn’t want to get involved, and I was happy staying friends, but then I acted the opposite.’

She looked up. ‘To be fair, I kissed you first.’

‘Yeah, but only to deter a creepy bloke from stalking you. Not because you were into me. I knew that, and yet it didn’t stop me pestering you.’

She looked alarmed. ‘You never pestered me. What on earth makes you think that?’

‘Sure I did. That’s exactly what I was doing on Saturday. I was pressurising you into agreeing to something you didn’t want to do, and not listening properly when you said no. I’m no better than Stephen.’

‘You’re nothing like Stephen.’ Her cheeks flushed red as she clutched the arm of the chair. ‘How can you even think that?’

‘I’m not so sure.’ He rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Instead of accepting your decision, I focused on what I wanted instead. I was so consumed by my own feelings, I ignored yours. That’s exactly what Stephen did. It’s what men have been doing to women throughout history, not listening to what they truly want. We talk about equality and respect, and yet we still act like entitled Neanderthals and think we can win over a woman by ignoring her wishes, like she’s something to be conquered. A game to be won.’

Sarah shook her head. ‘You’re being too harsh on yourself.’

‘Am I? Isn’t that how your ex behaved? Didn’t you say he only wanted you when he thought he couldn’t have you? And when you relented, he returned to being mean to you.’

Sarah flinched.

‘Sorry, I’m making things worse. That wasn’t my intention.’ He rubbed his face. ‘My point is, you’ve had three men in succession who haven’t listened to your wishes, or respected your decisions, and I’m mortified that I’m one of them. You deserve so much better, Sarah. And if I’ve added to your aversion towards men and relationships then I’m truly sorry. I’ll never forgive myself.’

She got up and came over to the couch. ‘You need to stop beating yourself up, Lucas. You’ve done nothing wrong. The opposite, in fact.’ She perched beside him, close enough that he could smell her fruity body lotion, but not so close that they were touching. ‘You’ve been an amazing friend and support to me over these last few weeks. I wouldn’t have got through all this without you.’ Her hand rested on his arm. ‘I might be a bit bruised, but I’m not so damaged I can’t stick up for myself. There’s been nothing coercive about this relationship. Challenging, yes. But only because you had my best interests at heart. You were encouraging me to embrace life again. And you’ve achieved that. Look around you. I have candles.’

He smiled at her efforts to allay his concerns. ‘I still shouldn’t have pressurised you on Saturday with all that talk about relocating. It was too much. I get that now. I’m sorry.’

‘Stop apologising.’ Her hand squeezed his arm. ‘It was just a reaction to everything that’s happened recently. All that emotion was bound to spill over at some point.’ She met his gaze. ‘And you make it sound like it was one-sided, like somehow you’ve been chasing me and it wasn’t reciprocated. Well, that’s not true. I’ve enjoyed your company; I’ve welcomed it. Crikey, I’ve even invited it.’ The colour in her cheeks deepened. ‘I’m not going to pretend I haven’t fallen for you, Lucas, because I have. And I think that’s been evident in my behaviour. You haven’t misread the signals. I’ve been flirting with you just as much as you’ve been flirting with me. And it’s been great. So great.’ She smiled shyly. ‘This is not a reflection on your behaviour. You’ve been the perfect gentleman at all times. Please never think otherwise.’

He felt the tears welling up. ‘You’re just saying that because you’re a nice person.’

‘You know me better than that. Have I ever held back from telling you the truth?’

He thought for a moment. ‘I guess not.’

‘Trust me, if you’d behaved like a dick, I’d have told you. You haven’t. My reaction on Saturday was entirely down to my own hang-ups and my unwillingness to start dating again. Nothing more. Okay?’

He wanted to believe her. ‘Okay.’

‘I’m going to miss you so much,’ she said, her voice quivering. ‘You have no idea how much I wish things were different. You deserve the world, you wrote on my gift card. Well, you do too, Lucas Moore. You’re the best man I’ve ever known.’ She blinked and a tear trickled down her cheek. ‘It’s just not meant to be.’

‘Another time and place, huh?’

‘We’re the modern-day Rick and Ilsa. Casablanca has nothing on us.’ And then her eyes flickered down to his mouth, and he felt the air leave his lungs.

All her defensiveness disappeared, and she was back to being the Sarah he knew, looking at him with wanting and heat, as if he was the answer to her prayers, and he wanted so much to be that. If only she’d let him, he was up for the challenge; he wouldn’t stop trying to make her happy until his last breath. But like she said, it wasn’t meant to be, and he was heartbroken.

She cleared her throat, as if coming to her senses. ‘“You’d better hurry, or you’ll miss that plane”,’ she said, her attempt at an American accent woeful. ‘I think that was Ilsa’s last line to Rick in the film… Apt, really.’

He took her hand and held it to his chest. ‘Do me a favour?’

‘What’s that?’

‘Allow yourself to be happy again. When the time’s right and someone comes along who deserves you, find the courage to let them love you.’

She met his eyes. ‘I’ll try.’

‘Please. Because I’d hate for you to miss out on something wonderful.’

Nodding, she got up and rushed into the hallway, waiting until he’d joined her by the front door. ‘Good luck in Houston.’

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