Page 88 of Only for Christmas

‘And now they have been. Stephen’s been charged, and Fred has a new home. It’s all good. You can leave with a clear conscience. I’ll be fine.’ She didn’t want him feeling bad for her; he’d helped her enough.

‘Will you?’ His eyes softened. ‘I’m not sure I will be. Did you hear me last night? I love you.’

Okay, so they were going there. She tried to rally her inner strength, what was left of it, anyhow. ‘I wasn’t certain that’s what you’d said.’

‘Surely you already knew?’ He seemed embarrassed, which was unlike him. He was normally so confident about everything.

‘Why would I? It came out of the blue.’

‘Really?’ He ran a hand through his wavy hair and let out a breath. ‘I know we’ve been play-acting these last few weeks, but you must’ve felt something building between us. You said as much last night.’

‘And that’s true, but I don’t see how that changes anything.’ She sounded a bit harsh, and she wished she could moderate her tone, but she felt on the back foot, thrown by his confession.

‘Admitting I love you doesn’t change anything?’

She stepped away from him. ‘How can it? You’re leaving. And I’m still not ready to get involved with anyone.’ She was feeling warm. Too warm. Was the heating playing up?

‘I don’t believe that. I think you’re just scared.’

‘I’m also practical.’ She flexed her fingers, trying to hide the shake in them. ‘You’ll be on the other side of the world doing a full-on job. There’s no way this could work, even if we wanted it to.’

He paused. ‘What if I stayed in the UK?’

Was he serious? ‘Don’t be daft.’ She wanted to escape somewhere, but her flat was too small to hide anywhere.

‘Why’s it daft? I love you.’ Why did he have to keep saying that? ‘My sister and nephews live here. I’ve enjoyed working here. I’m at a turning point in my life, and about to embark on another adventure. Why not do that here in the UK?’

‘That’s… crazy. You have a job lined up.’ She picked up a discarded cushion from the floor.

He edged towards her, a pleading expression on his far-too-handsome face. ‘A job I can do anywhere. They have plenty of medical roles advertised over here.’

She moved behind the sofa. ‘But your life is over there, in the States.’

‘My life’s where I want it to be, and I want it to be with you.’

Oh, heavens. She plumped up the cushion, fluffing it so hard she feared it might split. ‘You cannot possibly move country because of me.’

‘Why not?’

‘Why not? Because… it’s… it’s…’ She threw her hands in the air, forgetting she was holding the cushion and it flew across the room, knocking over one of the candles.

‘Crazy? Yeah, so you said.’ He went over and righted the candle. ‘It’s not crazy to me. I’m thirty-five years old and I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. So much so, I’m prepared to take a huge leap of faith and settle here to give us a fighting chance.’

She scanned the rug for spilt candle wax. It seemed odd to be concerned about furnishings, but focusing on normality was all she had as a defence – like passengers collecting their luggage before exiting a burning plane, reverting to habit as a coping strategy.

‘It’s taken me by surprise too,’ he said, watching her fussing with the furnishings. ‘I didn’t see it coming, I’ll admit that. And I know it’s a gamble, but it’s one I’m prepared to take.’

‘Well, I’m not.’ She fanned her face; it was definitely too hot in here. ‘Lucas, you’re asking too much of me. I’ve barely come to terms with celebrating Christmas, let alone getting involved with anyone, and you expect me to jump all in.’

‘Not straight away. I get that you need time. I can wait.’

‘And supposing it doesn’t work out? You’ve given up everything on a whim. How could I live with myself knowing you stayed because of me and then we split up?’

‘I’m not staying because of you,’ he said, moving towards her. ‘I’m staying because of me. This is what I want. You’re the person I want to be with. It’s my gamble, not yours. And you’re so focused on it not working out – suppose it does work out? Suppose we’re great together? What if this thing between us grows into something amazing? Isn’t that worth the risk?’

‘No.’ A searing pain shot through her, as if she’d been zapped with electricity.

‘No?’ Lucas lifted his hands. ‘That’s it? No.That’s all you have to say?’

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