Page 46 of Only for Christmas

‘It wasn’t the first time, you see.’ She pushed Fred away when he tried to lick her face. ‘You’ll find towels in the bathroom. I’ll fetch you some dry clothes to put on.’

‘Thanks.’ Harper went into the bathroom. ‘Carry on, I’m listening! I want to know what happened.’

‘Well, during the whole time we were together he constantly blew hot and cold,’ Sarah said, heading for her wardrobe, Fred trotting behind. ‘Things would be great for a while and we’d get close again, and then he’d pull away, saying he wasn’t sure it was what he wanted.’ She searched through her clothes, pulling out jogging bottoms, a T-shirt and a hoodie. ‘The moment I gave up trying to persuade him to come back, he’d reappear and we’d start over again. It was only after the non-wedding that I had the headspace to analyse things properly. I realised he was drawn to what he couldn’t have. When he had me, he didn’t want me. When he thought he couldn’t have me, he was interested again.’

Harper appeared in the bedroom. ‘So, you kicked his sorry arse into touch?’

‘I did. I’d had enough by then.’ Sarah took Harper’s wet clothes and placed them in a bag. ‘Deep down I knew the same thing would keep happening, so I needed to resist his efforts to win me back.’ She unearthed a pair of slipper-socks from the chest of drawers and handed them to Harper. ‘Strangely, the more he tried, the more determined I became. I could finally see who he was. He didn’t want me, not really. He just wanted what he couldn’t have. I’d suddenly become unattainable.’

Harper pulled up the jogging bottoms. ‘I admire you. I’m not so tough. I’m ashamed to admit, but I’ve begged and pleaded with Paul to change his mind. Shameful, huh? Not very women’s lib.’ She shoved her head inside the hoodie.

‘Don’t be hard on yourself. I’m sure if Josh had come back straight away I’d have done the same thing. It was only because I’d had time to focus on myself that I was able to tell him to take a hike.’ She removed her suit jacket and kicked off her shoes. ‘Wine or a hot drink? I have chocolate?’

‘Chocolate sounds perfect. I’ve had enough wine; my liver’s complaining.’ Harper followed Sarah into the lounge. ‘I messaged Lucas to tell him I was here. He’s coming over. Hope that’s okay?’

Sarah silently cursed. ‘Sure. No problem.’ So much for doing a good deed, she was being punished for it. ‘Make yourself at home.’ She flicked on the side lamps and glanced out of the window. The silver Mercedes had disappeared. Relief flooded her. She closed the curtains anyway. ‘Fred, keep Harper company while I make drinks.’

The moment Harper sat on the sofa, Fred landed on her lap. ‘You’re a nice dog,’ she said, stroking his ears. ‘You think I’ll ever stop wanting Paul back?’

‘Maybe.’ Sarah took the milk from the fridge and searched for a pan. ‘At the moment you can’t imagine a life without him. You’re scared about the future. How you’ll cope, how you’ll pay the bills, how you’ll look after your kids.’ She scooped up two large helpings of chocolate. ‘You’re fighting to keep hold of your marriage. Most people would do the same.’ Lighting the hob, she stuck her head around the door. ‘All I know is, time can change things. One day, you can’t get out of bed for crying, the next you find yourself having a good time and going out with girlfriends, or choosing a piece of furniture you know they’d hate. Suddenly you realise life without them isn’t so bad, and you can cope just fine.’

Harper cuddled Fred close. ‘Didn’t you feel lonely?’

Sarah leant against the doorframe. ‘There are different types of loneliness. Nothing’s more soul-destroying than living with someone who no longer wants you. That’s the worst type of loneliness. I’d rather be on my own any day.’

‘Living with Paul this last year hasn’t been great. I could feel us drifting apart, but the more I tried to fix things, the worse it got.’

Sarah felt for the woman. ‘All you can do now is let things play out, one way or the other. In the meantime, my advice is to stop focusing on your ex and his new woman, and start focusing on yourself instead.’

Harper frowned. ‘How do I do that?’

‘Every time you find yourself dwelling, or thinking about what he’s doing, or how he feels, stop and take a breath. Shake those thoughts from your mind and refocus on what you’re doing. How do you feel? What do you want? What plans can you make to improve things? It doesn’t have to be big things. Light some candles and take a bath. Book a babysitter and take yourself off to a spa resort. Go out for drinks with your girlfriends.’

‘I bought a vibrator yesterday – does that count?’

Sarah spluttered a laugh. ‘In terms of self-care, I’d say that definitely counts.’ She returned to the kitchen and stirred the milk. ‘Once he’s stopped being the centre of your thoughts, you’ll be surprised how you feel. If nothing else, you get to have some fun.’

‘You’re a good example of someone who’s turned things around. Look at you, all fancy in your suit, with a good job, and a great apartment. A real role model.’

Sarah thought back to the way Lucas had described her the other day. He definitely hadn’t used the words ‘role model’. Maybe she was both. A messed-up role model. No one was perfect, after all.

‘I do have a great job,’ she said, carrying the mugs into the lounge. ‘I’m in control of my life, and I like the choices I make. Whether it’s buying soft furnishings, or what hobbies I do. My self-care comes first.’

‘So, you have a vibrator too?’

Sarah nearly spilt the drinks. ‘Well… I…’

‘Good for you, girl. It’s great to hear you’re doing so well.’ Harper sipped her drink. ‘Ooh, this is nice.’

Slightly flustered, Sarah seated herself in the armchair. ‘I’m doing okay, but if I’m honest, I’m struggling to clear one final hurdle. I’ve yet to start dating again.’

‘You haven’t dated anyone since? How long’s it been?’

‘Five years.’

‘Five years? No wonder you need a vibrator.’

A knock on the door startled them both.

---