Page 95 of Mr. Big Shot

It’s a formal wedding and he knows how to dress. I love his black tie, black jacket, the slope of his broad shoulders, the sharp contours of his handsome face. He’s still looking back at me but he hasn’t smiled, hasn’t given me any sign of anything.

The last two weeks have been a new kind of strange for us. He hasn’t been avoiding me, but our encounters have been stilted, condensed down to small talk, really. He’s seemed almost nervous around me, though it’s hard to believe Hudson Rhodes has the capacity to be nervous around anyone.

The bridesmaid and groomsman in front of me link arms and start walking down the aisle. Hugh steps up, offering me his bent elbow, and I smile and take my place.

There’s an uptick in murmurs as I appear in the doorway. It’s not surprising considering how many people I know here.

“…haven’t seen her since she was a baby…”

“…looks just like her mother…”

“…Barrett’s twin…”

I smile down at Lucy as I pass her by, but I resolve to not look at Hudson, at least not until I’m safely up front, standing in line with the other bridesmaids, holding my smile, calming my nerves. The flower girls and ring bearer trickle down to a chorus of laughter and oohs and ahhs. The cutest little things. And then Hannah steps up with her dad and everyone stands. In the chaos, I look at Hudson, and while everyone’s looking at Hannah, he’s looking at me.

He looks troubled by something. I keep waiting for a smile or some kind of nod, a secret word or mouthed joke. It doesn’t come. His eyebrows stay furrowed. His mouth keeps to a flat line, leaving me with an ominous feeling of dread, but at the very least, I console myself with the news that he didn’t bring a date. Bethany and her husband are sitting on the other side of Hudson. Unless you count Lucy, Hudson’s here alone.

I turn to watch Hannah take her final steps toward Conrad. Her father lifts her veil, grips her arms, and kisses her cheek with a final thoughtful parting word. Then the ceremony begins. I didn’t think I’d get choked up and emotional during it. Conrad is so stoic, the most serious one out of the bunch of us Elwoods, but I watch him turn to Hannah and absolutely crumble. His eyes brim with tears as he smiles down at her. I love you, he mouths, and I reach up to swipe a tear from my cheek, overjoyed for Hannah and my brother. Maybe also a little envious, though the feeling is so foreign I don’t recognize it for what it is right away. I’ve never been someone particularly in a rush to be married, or even in a rush to be in a serious relationship. It’s why I didn’t immediately notice the red flags with Jasper. I thought it was perfectly reasonable that I wasn’t interested in moving in with him just yet. The burning desire to be with him all the time, the need to check in, the yearning for that connection—all of that would come later, I thought. Now I realize I have all of those things, all for the grumpy man sitting near the back of the crowd. The man I was warned to stay away from. The one I never saw coming.

I can’t look back at him, not again. This overpowering well of emotions building up inside of me feels like it might blow at any minute. It’s made worse by the swell of music as Conrad and Hannah kiss for the first time as husband and wife, the celebratory applause as everyone cheers.

I’m grateful that once we proceed down the aisle after the newlyweds, the guests are invited to a cocktail hour and I have time to compose myself, to refit the airtight lid on my blaring thoughts while I smile and pose for photos, both with the bridal party and with my family.

“You look stunning,” Barrett tells me, dropping a light kiss to my head as the photographer snaps away. “Doesn’t she, Wyatt?”

My brother shrugs, unbothered by the question. Wyatt has always been the shy, quiet one.

“Any promise with that groomsman you walked down the aisle with?” Nyles asks out of the corner of his mouth, still smiling for the camera.

“None whatsoever.”

Nyles pouts. “How boring. I love a wedding meet cute.”

The reception begins with a formal dinner. I’m seated at the front of the ballroom with the rest of the wedding party, sandwiched between Gabriella and Hugh, who for the better part of the meal lean in front of or behind me so they can continue their conversation with each other. I offer to switch places with Gabriella more than once. Hugh too, but they don’t budge. Either they don’t want to make me feel bad or they don’t want to seem too interested. It’s such a waste of time. The two of them are made for each other. Right now, they’re dissecting the plot points and directorial style of a particular Mandalorian episode while I pick at my chicken. I can’t see Hudson from where I sit. Or rather, I can if I lean heavily to the left and practically drape myself on Gabriella’s shoulder. I tell myself it serves me right. I shouldn’t be so focused on him. There are speeches to pay attention to, good company to enjoy, Star Wars cinematography choices to discuss.

I’m unable to fully be present in any of it. When the final course is winding down, Hannah and her dad take to the dance floor for their father-daughter dance. I couldn’t tell you the song choice or how long they’re out there. I didn’t even realize Conrad and my mom had taken their places. I blink and realize everyone has stood from their tables to join the bride and groom on the dance floor at the DJ’s urging.

I’m not drunk. I have no real excuse to feel the way I do. I keep waiting for the effects of the wedding ceremony to wear off, like a drug with a three-hour life span. I should be able to shake this, but I can’t. The profound newness of my current state doesn’t feel quite real.

The song to wake me up out of my trance is “Take a Chance on Me” by ABBA, for two reasons. Firstly, it’s an irresistible bop no matter what anybody says, and secondly, it’s the first time I’m really able to clearly spot Hudson since the start of the reception. He’s standing just to the left of the dance floor talking to Lucy and my mom. His hands are tucked into his pockets. He’s bent over slightly toward them so they don’t have to raise their voices quite so loud. I watch my mom ask him something, and he smiles and shakes his head, and I love him.

This is not a profound thought. It’s not revolutionary or shocking. It’s Saturday; I’m at a wedding; no, thank you, I don’t want any more wine at the moment; and I love Hudson Rhodes.

I don’t get up, don’t move from my seat. I’m the only person from the wedding party still at the banquet table at the front of the ballroom, and one of my aunts sees my dopey smile and my little laugh and she gives me a pitying look on her way to the bathroom. She doesn’t realize what’s going on here. She doesn’t know I’m newly in love.

Oh my god.

My brothers don’t let me get away with being a wallflower for long. Barrett and Nyles come find me during “Lay All Your Love on Me”. Side note: I think Hannah and Conrad might have requested the DJ play ABBA and only ABBA for the entirety of this reception. Which, that’s amazing, but also bold.

“This song,” Nyles says indignantly. “This song, Scarlett. Get up. You have to get up and dance. I feel like I’m in college again, studying abroad in Greece, dancing on tables, wishing your brother would email me back.”

Barrett laughs. “I don’t remember stringing you along.”

“Are you kidding? You were the worst. The. Worst.”

They have me by the hands now, dragging me behind them as they reminisce about the start of their relationship and how it really went down.

Everyone is losing their minds over this song, bouncing and singing at the top of their lungs, and I find Hudson sitting over at a table by himself. He’s hunched over, his hands clasped between his knees. His brow is furrowed and his lips are pursed as he worries about something.

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