Page 75 of Mr. Big Shot

While my mom is opening her presents, Scarlett sneaks around the kitchen, tidying up, quietly gathering plates so my mom doesn’t have such a mess to contend with once we’re all gone. By the end of the party, everyone’s about ready to trade me in for her. None of the kids understand exactly why she isn’t just a part of the family from now on. While I’m outside on the trampoline with the kids, they hound me with questions.

“Are you like married now?” Annabelle asks with a deeply serious expression.

“Nah, kiddo.”

“But you’re going to get married?”

I snort. “Not even close.”

Jack asks, “Do you love her?” but because he’s three it comes out sounding like, “Do you luff hewr?”

“Luff hewr! Luff hewr! Luff hewr!” Jack repeats, going on and on with it so that I have no choice but to double-bounce him and send him careening into the air in a fit of giggles.

“Do that to me! To me!” Annabelle demands.

By 4:00 p.m., the kids are exhausted, the cake’s been eaten in multiple waves, and everyone’s on the downward slope of their sugar high. When I nudge Scarlett and let her know it’s time for us to hit the road, everyone demands a hug from her. Annabelle wants two, but I think the second time around she was using the embrace as a ploy to whisper in Scarlett’s ear what kind of makeup she wants Scarlett to buy her for her birthday in June.

“Thank you for having me in your home,” Scarlett tells my mom.

My mom rushes forward and squeezes her tightly. “It was so so nice to meet you. Don’t be a stranger, okay?”

Scarlett steps back and nods.

Outside, everyone gathers on the front stoop to watch us head down the path to the car.

“Bye, Scarlett!” Annabelle shouts.

“Luff hewr!” Jack adds, now programmed to repeat the phrase because it gets a laugh from Annabelle every time.

The tableau is so wholesome it looks like the end of a made-for-TV movie. It’s not until we’re in my car, safely tucked behind closed doors, and halfway down the block that Scarlett whacks me on the arm.

“OUCH!”

“That is for duping your mom, you a-hole. That woman is a saint, and she deserves better than that!”

I rub my bicep. “Oh please. She’s doing just fine, I assure you. I paid off the last of her mortgage, and that fancy car in the driveway? Yeah, bought her that too.”

“She doesn’t want your crap, Hudson! She wants you, happy and in love, and we made her think you were!” She drops her head in her hands like she’s in agony. “Oh my god, turn the car around. I’m going to go back and apologize.”

“No can do.”

I reach over to hold her in her seat just in case she gets any ideas.

She looks at me with a wide-eyed expression. “What are you going to tell her when she asks about me?! Because she will ask about me. She and I really connected!”

“Relax.” I shrug, trying to act calm about all this. “In a month or two, I’ll break the news to her that we broke up.”

She drops her head in her hands again. “God, that’s going to devastate her.”

“She’ll recover.”

She cocks her head to glower at me. “The story stands. I broke up with you. That’s the way it goes. Because you were an arrogant jerk and didn’t deserve my love—that’s what you’re going to tell her.”

“Should I be writing this down?”

My sarcasm isn’t appreciated. Scarlett wants to kill me more than ever, but she doesn’t understand how intense my mom has become about my love life recently, and this way, at least, I can buy myself a month or two. If I’m lucky.

“It’s really not a big deal, Scarlett.”

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