Page 55 of Unrealistic Expectations

“Are you still in love with him?” He didn’t mean to say it, and he felt himself flush with a mixture of anger and embarrassment.

Jessica grimaced at him. “No! What are you talking about?”

“You’re so upset right now, that I just thought—”

“You thought what?” She put down her drink and put her hands on her hips, staring him down. Her cheeks were pink, and her gaze felt as though sparks flew toward him.

“You’re so upset about Luke that it’s making me question what you feel for me.”

“Well, you’re so up your own fucking ass that you can’t be there for me. I can’t believe you.” He winced, but she ignored the impact of what she’d said. She turned around and ran her fingers through her hair. “Of course I’m upset that my boyfriend of over a decade cheated on me and got another woman pregnant.”

“Why does it matter if he’s with someone else?” Galvin sighed. “I thought we were happy.”

Jessica growled. “This has absolutely nothing to do with you.”

Everything about her had everything to do with Galvin. If she couldn’t see that—

“If you’re such a little boy that you can’t understand why I’m big mad about this, regardless of how I feel about you, then I’m not sure what we’re doing together.”

“Don’t say that. I shouldn’t have said that.” He wanted everything to slow down. “Let me try again.”

“I can’t do that tonight. I’m done.”

He could tell from the look on her face that she meant she was done with him. He didn’t know if that was just for tonight or forever, but she wasn’t going to hear anything he said. “I respect that. I just—”

She put her hand up and turned away from him. She walked over to the entryway and found her coat and bag. She dug out her phone. “I’m going to call a car and get out of here.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow.” He couldn’t accept that this was the end. They didn’t have that much time in together, but surely they had more to talk about. He’d never thought he would feel this way again. After his first girlfriend had cheated on him, he’d gotten ripped and started paying more attention to his appearance. He’d taken on the persona of a guy who never got dumped, who could fuck any woman he wanted, the guy who only had to wink and smile to take a girl home. He’d become an assassin sort of lover.

And it had worked, until it didn’t. Until he’d fallen in love with Jessica. Now he felt just as powerless.

“Don’t.” Then she walked out the door with his beating heart ripped out of his chest.

—

Jessica held back her tears until she got in the car. It was touch-and-go for a few minutes, when she thought it would take fifteen minutes for the car to show up, but the app changed drivers and she was able to hold out for seven.

The driver took one look at her face and didn’t try to make small talk. Jessica was able to bury her face in her hands and let out the rough sobs that she’d been holding in. Luke had cheated on her and gotten another woman pregnant. Instead of telling her, he’d walked out the door letting her believe that she hadn’t been working hard enough at maintaining their relationship.

And the man she dated after him didn’t even understand why she was upset. Instead of giving her a hug and letting her be upset, he was only interested in what her anger said about him.

If a client came into her office with this story, she’d empathize, and she’d encourage them to feel their way through the emotions, but not to make up a story about what this meant about them. But Jessica couldn’t help but ask herself what this meant about her. There was a primal part of her psyche that told her she was unlovable because no one had ever managed to love her. Her conscious mind knew that it wasn’t true—even true love wasn’t always forever, and people who loved you could never do it flawlessly. Maybe Luke had actually loved her. Maybe he didn’t know how to end their relationship after so long and had sabotaged it instead. People got hurt more when their partner was trying not to hurt them.

Someday, she’d probably be able to forgive Luke for what he’d done. It might take decades, but she could probably manage to avoid slashing his tires until that happened. They’d had good stuff in their relationship before he’d turned it to shit. And she knew that it had probably been time for things to end long before they did.

She might have even been able to put it behind her faster if not for Galvin’s behavior. She wondered at her ability to be so wrong about him. From the moment they’d met, she’d felt seen by him. He seemed to get her. But the fact that he wanted to make her drama about him tonight made her question everything. He’d worried that he was just a rebound, but that was about him repairing his reputation and self-concept. It wasn’t about how he felt for her—he just wanted to prove he could be a decent boyfriend.

Other than sadness and hurt, she was angry at herself. She’d let herself fall so hard so fast for Galvin. And it had been so easy. He’d been so easy to be around, and when they were together she felt like she was fully on fire with a kind of chemistry she’d never felt before.

The idea of never seeing him again made her feel so empty. Her chest was hollow, and her head was starting to hurt from all the crying. It hadn’t hurt this bad when Luke walked out. At that point, not knowing the whole story, she’d felt a sort of relief. They hadn’t been connecting, and he’d called it quits because she never would have. It was almost as simple and clean as a breakup after that long could have been. But now, this sinking feeling that she was inadequate and had never been enough for him permeated her bones.

Luke was having a baby with someone else, and Galvin had somehow made it all about himself. She couldn’t pick the right man no matter what, and everything she’d written in her book was a lie.

There was no right way to pick a partner. And trying to convince men to treat women better for their own happiness was a fool’s errand. Maybe her mother had the right idea. She skipped along through the world, using and discarding men for her own pleasure and financial gain. Sometimes she got attached and breakups got emotionally thorny, but that would end as soon as she met the next guy. And sure, growing up without any sense of stability or nurturing hadn’t been great for Jessica, but maybe stability wasn’t always a choice.

Jessica had tried to make every right decision, but look at her now. A half-empty condo, a bestselling book, and a broken heart.

It took her a few moments to realize that the car had stopped in front of her condo. Reminding herself to leave the driver—bless him—a big tip, she got out of the car and walked back into her half-empty life.

---