Page 2 of Unrealistic Expectations

Luke stepped toward her with his hands outstretched, as though he was going to pull her into a hug. As much as she could use a hug right now, she couldn’t accept one from him. Not right now. Not ever again.

He caught on and respected her space, dropping his hands to his sides. “No, not a prisoner. There’s a lot of good stuff here between us.”

“Just not enough.” Jessica didn’t want to pick at his words and turn them against him. She’d never advise a client to do that when having a fight with a partner. She’d advise deep, calming breaths and questions that didn’t put blame on the other party. But Luke was to blame for all the pain swirling around her body—the tears she couldn’t hold back any longer and the way her knees felt like they would buckle at any moment. She didn’t want to lose control of herself like this, not when she could no longer trust the person she was losing control with.

“You’re my best friend, Jessica.” Luke sounded despondent, but Jessica didn’t really feel sorry for him. He was a thirty-seven-year-old man, and yet he didn’t have the cojones to tell her that he didn’t want to be with her anymore. He didn’t have the integrity to own up to the fact that he was having his midlife crisis about ten years early.

She wasn’t going to address the fact that you also don’t abandon your best friend without warning. “Is there someone else?”

Luke backed away from her, and he didn’t meet her gaze when he said, “No.”

She didn’t want to believe that he was cheating, but he was doing a lot of cheater-like shit right now. Growing up with her mother had exposed her to the wide world of ways that cheaters behaved.

Jessica sighed. If he was cheating, she wasn’t going to get a straight answer from Luke on the subject. Not when she’d already threatened to kill him.

“I don’t want to lose you.” More like he didn’t want to end up being featured as the victim on an episode of Snapped.

Jessica wrapped her arms around herself and looked at him, dead in the eye. “Well, you did.”

There was nothing left to say, so she turned and walked out of her condo. This time, the movers got out of the way.

CHAPTER TWO

Healing from rejection takes time and self-reflection. It’s really a great opportunity to become more self-aware. Be kind to yourself. Take your time. Don’t let anyone push you into a new relationship before you’re ready. The people you date going forward will be grateful for the work you’ve done.

—Jessica Gallagher, PhD, licensed clinical therapist

Today on Date Hard or Die Alone, I have Jessica Gallagher, the author of Ten Things Not to Do If You Ever Want to See a Naked Girl Again: The Straight Man’s Guide to Not Dying Alone in a Pile of Dirty Underwear. Jessica is a licensed clinical therapist with a decade of experience, and her practice focuses on helping singles figure out their relationship patterns so that they can change them. Tell me, Jessica, what made you write this book?”

Jessica shifted in her seat, took a deep breath before speaking, and hoped that it wouldn’t mess up the sound. She was much more comfortable sitting across from a client in session than she was talking to a podcast host. For one thing, the podcast studio was extremely hot, and she usually didn’t have giant headphones that pinched her ears and a mountain of recording equipment between her and her client. And in session, there was the opportunity to clarify and elaborate. In the media appearances that her publicist had arranged for the release of her new book, her words were digitally memorialized. If she messed up, there was no chance to back up and clarify. If she said something that someone took out of context, she could go viral and lose all credibility.

She hadn’t written the book so she could become a public figure. The book proposal had come out in a chunk after she’d had to talk one too many of her clients out of giving a tenth chance to a walking red flag, after a long week of talking other clients out of giving more chances to men who frankly didn’t seem to like or respect them very much.

“Well, Diana, a lot of the young people I see in my practice are extremely accomplished in their professional lives, and they have fulfilling and rewarding relationships with their family and friends. But so many of the young women I see—especially the young women who date men—are really struggling with dating and relationships.”

Diana laughed. “Then why didn’t you write a dating book for those young women?”

“There are thousands of dating books for straight women, telling them how to navigate the murky waters of dating,” Jessica replied. “But, in my professional experience, the young women aren’t the problem. Most of them, unless they’ve become jaded by the dating process, are earnestly putting themselves out there on dating apps and in group activities they think likely relationship candidates might be interested in. They’re working on themselves and trying to present themselves in the best light. They’re giving the men they meet the benefit of the doubt far beyond the point where—in my opinion—the men deserve it.

“And the men, who profess to want to date them and who benefit most from long-term, monogamous relationships, treat them like utter garbage. It’s the men who need the advice. It’s the men who need to be better.”

“But men don’t buy dating books. That’s just the way it is.”

Jessica wasn’t sure how she was supposed to answer that. It was release day for her book, and this woman had just told her that no one was going to buy it. Now that she had to pay both halves of the mortgage, it would be great to earn out her advance and get some actual royalties. “Well, I’m hoping some concerned parents or ex-girlfriends will shove my book at the people who need it most.”

Without missing a beat, Diana, a dating coach, not a licensed therapist, asked, “Don’t you think the title of your book is a little inappropriate?”

Jessica did in fact think that the title of her book was inappropriate. However, her editor, publicist, and literary agent had insisted that “an eye-catching title like that will get you mentioned on The Viewpoint for sure.” Instead, she was talking to a woman with no discernible training in the field of mental health or relationships—a woman who probably thought that psychology and psychiatry had been co-opted by “big pharma”—about whether she had the credibility to talk about a subject in which Jessica had a decade of experience and a whole fucking PhD.

“Well, I didn’t pick the title of the book. But if it gets one feckless dude bro to open it up and explore the possibility that his methods of relating aren’t going to work for him long-term and are harming the people around him, I think it’s done its job.”

The podcast host looked down at her phone, seeming to have lost interest in the conversation. Jessica almost wanted to say something incendiary to get her attention. Although most people thought—through Jessica’s own efforts—that she had her shit completely together, she had to quell the urge to do and say outrageous things more often than anyone would have imagined. Especially when she was feeling dismissed or unheard. Especially in the past twenty-four hours when she was still feeling like tenderized meat.

She knew the urge sprang from the fact that her mother had paid more attention to the parade of boyfriends she’d traipsed through their lives than to her own daughter, and she knew that acting on it would only leave her riddled with anxiety and regret. So, instead of telling Diana that her free dating guide, “Eight Steps to Not Look like a Bridge Troll in Your Dating Profile,” was a pile of patriarchal dog shit, she waited for the next question.

But she was not expecting Diana’s next question.

“But, like, are you in a relationship?” When Jessica didn’t answer right away, because her mouth was agape, the host continued. “How will readers know you’re qualified to give relationship advice?”

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