Page 49 of Grumpy Boss's Secret

What was I going to do? Well, I had to tell Ian. I winced. I hated to on so many levels. I didn't want to be with him because he felt obligated. – would he marry me out of a sense of duty without wanting to? I didn't want that. I mean, marrying him sounded incredible, but only if he was actually choosing me from his heart instead of feeling like he had an obligation.

And what about his trauma? If he struggled to enter another relationship because he'd been so hurt in the past, adding a kid – after losing a kid – wouldn’t that make it so much harder for him? If it were me, I'd be overwhelmed on too many levels.

“But I have to tell him,” I whispered. “I have to. He has a baby again. He has to know.”

I closed my eyes. I was going to tell him. I stood up slowly. I felt heavier than before I’d known the baby was there. I smirked at how silly that was. A little speck making an impact like a locomotive. I picked up my phone and walked to my kitchen table. I sat down and stared at my phone screen. Where to begin?

Ian knew I was Zee. I felt sure of that. I’d heard him whisper “Zee” when he was holding me, and it helped explain how silent he’d been for the last week and a half. Not to mention the way he’d popped into my office, gawked at the copy of Hamlet on my desk and then disappeared.

"I want to tell Kirk," I murmured. It felt easier, somehow, than calling Ian or even texting him. Certainly easier than an in-person conversation. Besides, if I'd asked Ian to meet with me, he would have assumed I was hoping to hook up. He would probably ask me if we could wait, saying he was still contagious or too busy.

This couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait. I took a deep breath and typed.

Hey, I love you. I’ve loved you for a very long time. Ever since the first time I read your writing. I’ve felt this way for years, but it felt like too much of a fairytale that you might ever love me back. I also got some news today. Some life-altering news. I'm not sure how you will feel about it, but I think it could be an amazing next adventure for us both. (It started about two weeks ago, I just didn't find out until today.) Could we do this? Zee

I signed it as “Zee” for old time’s sake – to remind him how well he knew me. I rubbed my temples with my fingertips and took a few deep breaths.

“Here goes,” I whispered, my heart pounding. I sent it. That wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was waiting.

“How long are you going to make me wait?” I whispered, looking down at my phone. In reality, I should give him a long time to respond. I’d just thrown a lot at him.

Also, if he took more than an hour to get back to me, I was hunting down his address and ringing his doorbell. I lay my head down on my table. I felt nauseous. Was it the baby, or was it anxiety?

“Why am I worried?” I whispered. “I know he loves me. I know it. I know it. I know it.”

I kept whispering it to myself, my ears pricking for my phone vibrating. I thought I felt the table vibrate slightly a couple of times, but when I lifted my head, it had only been my imagination. He didn't make me wait too long. After I'd waited half an hour, I heard my phone vibrate, and the table under my ear tremored noticeably. I sat up, my heart pounding.

“If this is just a work email,” I thought, “I am going to scream.”

It wasn’t. It was from Kirk. Ian. I clicked on it, my heart racing. My eyes scanned over the words, wanting to know the gist of it within the first few seconds.

Dear Zee, I am honored by your confession. I consider you to be a good friend in many ways. I wish I could return your feelings, but there is someone else for me. There has been for a long time. Best of luck with your next adventure. I’ll always be here to help if you need it. Kirk

I felt like my entire being slipped out of me and fell through the floor, and what was sitting there was just a hollow casing. I reread it, the blood rushing in my ears. I had the terrible, turned inside-out feeling of a nightmare: “This can’t really be happening. It can’t be, so it isn’t.”

I read the words repeatedly. They never changed. My reaction did, however. Numbness swept over me like a frost.

"That's it?" I whispered tears in my eyes. "‘I’ll be here to help?’”

Just a friend, huh? You treat all your friends like that? I pushed the phone away, bringing my hands to my face. I'd memorized the email in my hyper-focus, and the words kept running through my mind even with my eyes closed.

A long time? Did he mean his ex-girlfriend? From college? Like he just still wasn’t over her?

“Aren’t I a long time, too?” I murmured, blinking out more tears.

I'd been relieved he'd responded quickly, but now it stung. He hadn't needed to think about it. He'd known the answer. He didn’t love me like that. I inhaled, my breath shaky.

“What do I do?” I whispered. “What do I do?”

Potato, seeming to sense my distress, padded up and rubbed her nose against my leg.

“Thank you, baby,” I said, my voice breaking. “I won’t leave you, don’t worry.”

Leave. Yes, leave. I couldn’t stay here. I never wanted to see Ian again. I felt sure that I couldn't. The friction between loving and wanting him and the pain of knowing he didn't want me back – I'd implode, wouldn't I?

I stood up shakily. I was glad to have something to do. Something that would consume my focus. I would pack myself up tonight. I would email my landlord about subletting my apartment, furnished. I would write my letter of resignation and send it to Huntington Skies. Then I would get in my car and drive.

I didn’t know where I would go. It didn’t matter. I needed to get away from here. I went into my bedroom and hauled my suitcase out of my closet. I tossed it onto the bed, opened it, and stared into the empty space.

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