Page 70 of Leave Me Broken

A small drop of tea splashes over the edge when he sets the cup in front of me and the same for his cup in front of his seat. Paul grumbles as he grabs napkins from the center of the table out of a John Deere napkin holder that matches other John Deere décor around the trailer.

“Are you feeling okay, sir?”

The fist he crumbled the napkin in shakes more than the other one. Seeing me eyeing it, he lowers both hands to his lap. “Nothing to worry about, son. Just a little gift the stroke left me. The doctor is confident the shaking will get better. Says I need to stay active.”

“Smart advice. The only way to keep muscles healthy is to keep them active.”

He nods in agreement. “Yes, very true. Very true.”

“Luca went to school for physical therapy for a while. Didn’t get the degree, but he’s knowledgeable in the subject. If you want, I could—”

“I have cancer.”

And for a moment, the world stops. I stare into the kind blue eyes of Payson’s granddad, turning over what came out of his mouth.

His untrimmed eyebrows furrow and he lowers his eyes to the table. “I found out at my last checkup. They found cancer on my lungs and it’s spreading. Rapidly.”

“I don’t know what to say.” I surprise myself, hearing the vulnerability in my voice. All I can think about in this moment is Payson. I should be thinking—worrying about the man sitting in front of me who’s losing his battle with cancer. He doesn’t have to say it, I know that’s what he means by rapidly. But my mind pulls to the girl who is already so lost in life. She doesn’t find serenity in many things but her granddad is a big one. I notice the tension leaving her body whenever she steps foot in this trailer. Like it’s her safe place. So, I know there is no way Payson knows, she would not be acting how she has been.

She’s been lively lately, lively for Payson, anyway. Things most people do on the daily: laughing, joking, enjoying life. None of those things will happen when she finds out. My heart and head battle with what to do. It’s not my place to tell her but if she finds out I knew and didn’t tell her, she will hate me. Paul isn’t aware of that, he knows Payson and I are close but he assumes it’s a normal coach-player relationship, so he’s probably not worried about me outing his secret. Sometimes I wish that’s all we were. Not because I regret anything but because it makes things complicated. Knowing when to step in as her boyfriend or leave things be as her coach. I guess that’s the thing, neither is the right answer because I am both.

Paul explains what they are predicting and how without treatment his lifespan isn’t looking more than a year. Then he tells me how he’s not doing treatment.

I don’t cry but there is a burn behind my eyes. “Sir, with all do respect . . .” My words fail. How can I ask him to go through with the hardest treatment in the world for selfish reasons? What would be better for Payson? Seeing her granddad alive but worn to the bone from the harsh treatments, or him passing before it gets to that point. Truthfully, I’m not sure. I can read Payson but sometimes she surprises me, and a moment like this is new territory.

Paul lays a fragile hand on top of mine. It’s like I’m chatting with one of my grandparents. Moving from England at such a young age was hard but I did live with my dad’s parents every summer for a while and those were the best summers. Paul reminds me of that.

“I have lived a wonderful life. Raised four kids to adulthood. Have more grandchildren than I ever thought and have seen most of them grow up. Of course I would love to be around for their whole lives but that’s not how it works.” He lets out a shaky breath and holds my eyes. “My only concern is Payson and Jason.” Mine too. Not so much Jason, I’m not thrilled with him and what he said to Payson, plus, he skipped town after. “The rest of my grandchildren have guidance, someone looking out for them, and while Payson and Jason have their mother . . .” He frowns. “Well, it’s complicated.” Don’t I know it.

“Have you heard from Jason?”

The heaviness in the room lifts a small amount. He pulls his hand back and cups his steaming mug. “Actually, yes. He is in Oklahoma with Amanda.”

“With Amanda?”

His lips part with a gentle smile. “He called me yesterday, in fact, and filled me in on everything in his life. Apparently Jason never re-upped his time in the Army and has been out for nearly six months. In that time, him and Amanda started talking and now they are living in Oklahoma together. I think he held off telling me because they aren’t married and living together.” He chuckles.

“My grandchildren have this idea in their head I was not young before. I might be a pastor now, but I have lived a life in my eighty-seven years. You know what the biggest misconception is about Christians, Ashley?”

I shake my head. I have no clue; I wasn’t raised in church like Payson. Sure, my parents tried but eventually they stopped fighting me and my brother to go.

“Christians are seen as these judgmental people who look down on anyone that doesn’t live according to the Bible. I preach the Bible, I’ve read the Bible more than I can count and next to all the things people turn their nose at, you know what else it says? It says to love. Love everyone and not to judge. I live truly by that. It is not my place to judge the way other people live, I’m not condoning anyone to Hell for the choices they make, that’s not my place. I’m not even turning my nose at it. I love my grandchildren just like I love anyone else, well, maybe a little more.” We swap smiles. “There is nothing they could do to lose my love and respect. No matter how they choose to live their life.”

“Do you love Fred?” The question falls out before I can stop it. Judging by the deep lines that form in Paul’s face when he frowns, I think it’s fair to say I might have overstepped.

“As difficult as it is, yes. Not how you might imagine.” He lets out a sigh that sounds as if he’s been holding that single breath his entire life. “Alfred is one of my main focuses when I pray because I hold hatred in my heart for what he has done to my family.” Yeah, you and me both. “I’m guessing you know everything.”

I dip my chin, hoping I’m doing my best to hide the angry buzzing in my body. “Payson told me everything during her trial time. Said I needed to know the full story.”

Paul leans back in his chair and folds his hands together, a puzzled expression on his face. “She’s not even told me everything.”

I wasn’t aware of that.

“Again, my grandchildren trying to protect me.” Hearing the disappointment in his voice is oddly comforting. “But I know enough to know Payson doesn’t want to live in a house with him. I know Jason moved as soon as he could because of him. I might not know why, but I know those two don’t act on impulse, meaning there is a reason. One I might not like hearing.” He eyes me like he is trying to find the answer, but I keep my face empty.

There is no point worrying his already worried mind. I can handle that side of things. The next time I see Fred, he’s a dead man. I can honestly say I’ve never killed someone, but I would for Payson. I meant what I said in the hallway at school, if I see her with another guy, I’ll kill him. That wasn’t a bluff. Payson makes me crazy and knowing there is a man on this earth that hurt my girl? Well, that thought brings out my most primal instincts.

“I can only hope my daughter will wake up one day and realize her mistake and that Payson will once again be able to open her fragile heart for her mother. There is meant to be no other love like a mother’s.”

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