Page 101 of Leave Me Broken

“She’s not my blood.”

I lift my glass and take a drink from the apple juice Payson brought me. Like I said, Americans and apples, they love them. Parker and Luca are playing a game of chess on the floor near the window, less than five feet away. Parker didn’t want to come but he’s grounded so I didn’t give him the choice. He didn’t want to come because Janelle is here and he feels like shit, which he should. A little guilt is good for him. Maybe make him learn you don’t do shit like he did. Of all the girls he could have fucked last night he chose fucking Alyssa Burton. Christ, that girl is like mold on my life. Just when you rid one part of it, it pops up elsewhere.

“Yeah, well that one is my blood, and he made a big mistake last night.” Jethro eyes Parker, then me. “Cheated on his not-girlfriend.”

“Happens to the best of us.”

No, it does not. Not me. I might have been a fuck up before Payson, and that one stupid mistake in the beginning, but I’ll never cheat. Why cheat when everything I love is already mine? Throw away the future I want for one shag? No.

“Anyway, the point is. Kids have to make their own mistakes, but it’s your job as a dad to let them know when they make those mistakes.” Like I’m in the position to be giving parenting advice.

“After you all left, I looked into alcoholics anonymous near him. Already slipped the paperwork to Amanda. I know he won’t listen to me—he shouldn’t—I was never there, but I’m hoping he will listen to her.”

Jason pulls Amanda into his side and places a kiss on her cheek. It’s subtle and he lets go right after but you can feel the love anyway. “If he loves her, he will.”

“Sometimes love isn’t enough.” Jethro frowns. Or maybe it’s just his face at this point; he’s always in a bad mood. I used to be too until I met her.

Feeling her gaze, I lift my eyes and she’s staring at me with a small smile on her face. People move around her but don’t pull my attention from her. She changed after the meeting into blue yoga pants—she called them—and a long sleeved white school shirt. And finished by pulling her hair up and removing the makeup, not that there was much left after our afternoon fucking. She’s never looked prettier than she does right now. Not even the bad fluorescent lighting above her can pull from it.

“Sometimes it is.”

31

Payson

Sitting at a funeral for someone you have no emotional feelings for is weird. That funeral being for your mom when you should be crying like everyone else is even weirder. I think most people are lost in their own grief to realize I’m not. Jason is across the church with the rest of the pallbearers but he’s not crying either. He doesn’t even look to be aware of where we are.

Grandpa is holding my hand because he couldn’t find it in him to do the funeral. It would be too difficult—he said. I wish I could take his grief away; I should be the one grieving my mom. He shouldn’t have to grieve a child. I can’t help but wonder how much this is weighing on him. He looks more run down than usual. His black suit is crisp and perfect but his cheeks are sunk in. His blue eyes have lost their brightness, and I haven’t heard him laugh since the night I found out my mom was killed. Uncle Gary helped him shave and I know he appreciated that.

I stare at the collage of photos in front of me instead of at the cream casket. So many photos filled with smiles and fake happiness. Grandpa made sure there were no photos of Fred, which confused my aunt, but she didn’t argue. I’m not sure if Grandpa will ever tell anyone what actually happened. Or if they will catch him and will find out on the news. Uncle Jet seemed so sure they could catch him but Fred snuck around behind everyone’s back for years. I think it might be more difficult than they think.

At least no one misses him. Not one person has commented on his absence. I hope he realizes how guilty that makes him look. Not showing up to your wife’s funeral? Huge red flag. But it’s not my problem. My problem will come when he comes looking for me. Because he will. I don’t know when, but I know he will and this time, it won’t be me I stab.

32

Ash

I’m so fucking tired of not being able to comfort my girl when she needs it. I’m bloody over having to hide what we have because she’s my fucking player. Sitting in the back of that funeral watching everyone but her cry, broke a piece of my sanity. She didn’t cry but she was the most fucked-up one in that room.

The wake after the funeral was no better. Hug after hug, person after person “comforting” her and not knowing they are pushing her deeper into numbness. Making her wonder why she’s so fucked up and can’t grieve like she’s meant to. Payson thinks something is wrong with her, but it’s not her with the issue. It’s everyone around her not knowing how to deal with her mental state. They don’t see the little girl inside Payson who has no issues expressing her feelings. They don’t see the reason she is the way she is today is because she got so used to those feelings being ignored. Time after time she cried herself to sleep with no one around to hold her. She clung to a fucking poster for bloody sake.

The good part about that is it was my poster and I’m right here with open arms ready to pull Payson back toward the light whenever she sinks too deeply.

Most people have scattered, besides close family. I’m not close family but I will be one day. Janelle is still here too, though. Her and Payson sit at a table on their own. I wander over with my hands in my pockets. Some of Payson’s family members are watching me. As they did last night when me, Luca, and Parker were over for dinner. They were all nice enough, but I’m sure they are wondering why I’m hanging around so much.

Thankfully the attention was taken off me when Payson’s Aunt Jenny and Uncle Dean showed up. They stole the attention with their loud mouths and her half blue half black hair. Again, nice enough people and maybe my favorites, because if it wasn’t for them taking Payson to my game all those years ago, she never would have developed the crush, Amanda would have never reached out, and I wouldn’t be here today. Plus, Payson was doing her best to pretend that Parker was the one she was into. I couldn’t even get jealous because it was so awkward to watch.

“Can you believe she didn’t even call?” Janelle asks Payson.

Payson’s answer is a slight lift of her narrow shoulders. “She knew how things were with my mom and me. Probably didn’t want to deal with the awkwardness.”

Who are they talking about?

“Ronni.” Ah, one of Payson’s closest friends that apparently, I will meet this upcoming week. I had high hopes when I figured she was like Janelle but the more I hear about her, the more I think she might not be. “Is not like you, Payson. She can deal with the awkwardness.” Then she adds, “No offense or anything.”

There’s a slight flick of Payson’s lips. “None taken.”

“Ladies.” I pull out a chair and sit down across from Payson.

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