Page 142 of Leave Me Broken

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. All I know is I need time.” She blows out a deep breath. “I’m going to take my dad up on that offer.”

“Jay . . .”

She winces as if I physically hit her when we couldn’t be farther apart than what we are right now. It feels like there is an ocean between us. I’ve never felt so disconnected from my best friend. She looks at us one last time and the only thing keeping me from falling to my knees is Ash’s arms around me. He knows how much this is killing me and he’s there to hold me. Like he always is. Why can’t she see how much he loves and cares for me? So he’s given me a few cuts? I survived, didn’t I? I’m fine, this is the reason I’m fine and she refuses to see that.

“I love you, Payson.” She emphasizes I as if saying he doesn’t. “But as long as you are putting yourself in harm’s way . . .”

“I’m not,” I beg. “Jay, I’m really fi—”

“I swear to God if you say fine.” Anger crosses her tear-filled eyes.

“I am!” I shout. “I am fine. I wasn’t fine before him, but he makes me feel better.”

She only shakes her head like a disappointed mom. “You are so far gone to see, Pay. You too.” She regards Ash and he stiffens. “One day you both will finally open your eyes and see what you are doing is destroying both of you. Ash is destroying you physically and one day your body will give up. You—” I try and cut her off but she doesn’t let me. “You are destroying him mentally. You have him so brainwashed that he actually believes the bullshit you just told me about needing it. You only need those cuts because you are too weak to face reality.”

“Low fucking blow, Janelle,” I hiss as tears stream from my eyes.

“If no one else in your life will be honest with you, then I will. But what I won’t do is stick around to watch your downfall.” Her breath shakes. “I’m going to pack and call my dad. I will stay there tonight so our room will be open.”

“Jay, please.”

“You gotta let me go, Pay. You are killing me. This”—she gestures between us—“our friendship it’s too much for me right now.”

I’ve always thought I was too much. But I tried so hard not to be. I tried to be a good friend, I think. As much as I knew how, but I failed.

“Are you sure about this?” Ash stares down at my naked body on his bed with a new blade in his hand.

I pinch my eyes so I don’t have to see the battle in his eyes that wasn’t there before Janelle said anything. “Yes, either you do it, or I will.”

A second later, the cool tip of the blade is digging into my arm. He doesn’t stop with a single line. Looking down, I see what he’s carving this time and the tears pour more than before.

“Beautiful.” He sits back and eyes his work. I drop my head back to the bed and let out the kind of breath that comes only after cutting. Janelle doesn’t understand. Ash doesn’t do this to hurt me. He’s not brainwashed. He does it because it helps, and he sees how much I really do need it. Ash is the only one who sees the real me. Maybe I’m a little too reliant on him—but it’s still new. Eventually we will calm down and won’t need all the dramatics in our relationship, but that’s not today.

Ash said I am his light but he is mine. My life is so dark without him, and only he can make it light again.

“I love you.”

His eyes flare hearing those words from me for the first time. He falls on my body and kisses me so intensely. I smile and he kisses me harder, pouring the love that only we understand between us.

“I love you more, Jailbird. Always.”

“Forever.”

The thing about lights? They eventually burn out.

“Are you in pain?” Ash’s voice is soft, not to alert anyone else.

I snap a quick look to Janelle, then look forward to the large crowd when I see her smiling at something Erica said. “Nope.”

“Not even your arm?” His voice drops even further.

“No. I’m fin—feel great. Never better.”

I think I hear him sigh but Valerie begins her introductions and cuts him off. After introductions, there is a ball auction, then it’s time for the games. We play third and last, so we have a while before our games. I excuse myself to the lobby because I didn’t get a chance to look at everything, but also to avoid the heavy stare coming from Janelle. I don’t know how to deal with that right now. Maybe I’m meant to apologize, but I can hardly see straight, let alone apologize for . . . whatever it is I’m meant to apologize for. I’m wondering if I should have taken two pills at the same time.

Maybe I need to eat something. I walk over to the concession, stumbling—I think. Or the room is spinning.

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