Page 48 of His Long-Lost Baby

She smiles. “Can I ask… and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to…”

“Shoot.”

“What was it like? Foster care? And the group home?”

I take a deep breath, knowing that this is a conversation that I don’t often have. “It was tough,” I begin. “I mean, I was lucky enough to have some good people looking after me, but it was still hard. There were times when I felt like nobody cared about me, like I was just a number in the system. But I also learned to be tough, to fend for myself, you know?”

Billie nods, her eyes fixed on me intently. “I can imagine. But it must have been lonely.”

“It was.” I hesitate for a moment. “But I also made some good friends. People who were in the same boat as me, who understood what it was like. And in some ways, that made us a family.”

Billie nods again, and I can see the sympathy in her eyes. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“It’s okay,” I say. “It’s not like I had a choice. And… it led me to where I am now, you know? I don’t think I’d be the person I am today if I hadn’t gone through those experiences.”

She looks thoughtful. “And what kind of person are you?”

The words aren’t unkind, but it must be my own conscience punching me in the gut. I know what people say and write about me. I’ve done a lot that others would call unmoral, and I haven’t been afraid to go after what I want.

I turn to face her more fully, taking in her thoughtful expression as the wind tosses her hair around her face.

“Do you think I’m a bad person?” I ask.

Billie hesitates.

“That’s a yes,” I say. “Not that I can blame you.”

She purses her lips. “James… I don’t think anyone is purely good or bad. We all have our flaws, our past mistakes. But what matters is how we choose to move forward and grow from those experiences. So the question is… are you learning from those mistakes?”

Her words had hit me harder than I expected. “I like to think so,” I say, my eyes locked onto hers. “But sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re making the right decisions.”

Billie nods, her eyes probing mine. “You have regrets?”

I think about that. “Doesn’t everyone?”

“Yes.” She starts walking again, kicking up bits of sand with each step.

“I’ll tell you what… I’ve always credited my tough start in life as the reason for my success. It gave me drive, pushed me to never take no for an answer and to make something out of myself, because I sure as hell knew there was nowhere there to catch me if I fell.”

“I get that.”

I remember how she said she’s not close with her parents. “Do you mom and dad even know your daughter?”

Billie’s eyes darken slightly, and I know I’ve hit a nerve. “No,” she says softly. “I left home when I was eighteen, and I’ve barely spoken to them since. It’s complicated.”

“So you know something about what it’s like to be alone in the world.”

I’ve struck a chord. She looks so sad, I wish I could take the statement back.

I clear my throat, looking to change the subject. “I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for how I grew up, and it’s made me who I am, but as I get older I’m starting to wonder if, had someone given me a loving home, my life today might look very different.”

She tilts her head. “Different how?”

I look at her, trying to choose my words carefully. “Maybe I wouldn’t have had to resort to some of the things I did to survive. Maybe I would have had a better foundation to build upon, instead of having to claw my way up from nothing.”

She nods, understanding in her eyes. “I can see how that would be hard. But James, don’t forget that you did survive. You made something out of yourself even with the odds stacked against you. That’s impressive.”

I smile faintly. “Thanks. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.”

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