Page 72 of State of Mind

‘He used to tell me how much he loved my name, even though he wasn’t the one who gave it to me. My mother picked it out when she was eight months pregnant, and he said he thought he understood the concept of sound the night she shared it with him.’

He swiped at a tear and looked over at his mother, who was watching him with her jaw clenched and her eyes wide and watery.

‘He taught me to walk. He taught me to spell by pretending like he forgot ASL and only responded to fingerspelling. Because of that I was ahead of my kindergarten class by leaps and bounds and that was after the teachers told both my parents that me and my sister would never catch up to our peers because they put ASL ahead of English.’

He felt something burn in his chest like fire, and his tears were flowing, but they didn’t hurt. They were a relief.

‘He was the one who explained to me that I was different. That I might never fit in. My father told me that I might do great things, but those great things wouldn’t matter as much to everyone else, and if I wanted to feel important and special, it was up to me to make other people see it in me. I felt lost after that, because I didn’t understand what he meant for so long, and I’m sad that he’s gone, because I would love to tell him now that I get it. My life is small, and it’s humble, but I am so very loved. And to some people out there in the world, I am important.’

He blinked, trying to clear his eyes, but it was hard. His mother was still watching, looking betrayed and a little bit scared, and a small piece of him was glad for it. She had made him scared all of his life, and now he was showing her how it felt.

‘I forged my own way—this family gave me the strength to do that. The Deaf community did that. Almost all of you sitting in these seats gave me a piece of yourself to help mold the person I am today. And so did my dad—in ways I never expected. He didn’t have a big life either. He was humble, but he has a legacy left behind in me and in my sister. And in my mother. It’s the thing I’ll take with me when I walk through those doors and into my own future. And I think it’s one he would have wanted for me.’

He stared down at the urn, then curled his middle and ring finger toward his palm, but he kept it low because that I love you wasn’t for anyone else. He didn’t like his dad for leaving him to the wolves, but he loved him for the strength he helped build in Wilder. And he owed him that much, at least.

He walked away, and he knew people were watching, knew his sister had risen, knew people were waving at him to stop, but he kept going. One foot in front of the other, and then he was in his car, and it was started.

He found his phone, this time with less fear, and his fingers tapped the screen and opened up Luca’s contact. A lingering message sat there from him, and he smiled the first genuine smile since he’d arrived.

Luca: I know today will be hard, but you’re not alone.

Wilder: I’m on my way home.

Luca: I can’t wait.

The message came in before he had time to set his phone down, and it was those words that carried him to the airport and kept him on his feet and in his last remaining solid piece as he left the past behind.

CHAPTER 22

Luca’s stomach swooped when he stepped outside and saw the little car waiting for him at the curb, Raphael peering over the wheel with a faint grin on his face. His fingers spasmed on the handle of his bag, and he felt rooted to the spot for a second like he was almost afraid to believe he was back.

That he was home.

Someone behind him knocked into his side with their case and swore, and it pushed him into action, his feet closing the distance between him and Raphael’s car. He wrenched the door open, shoving his bag into the back before he climbed in and looked over at his friend.

Raphael’s grin got a little wider, and he shook his head. “You really couldn’t stay away, could you?”

Luca glanced down at his hands, which were holding his phone in an iron grip, and he shook his head. “Is that stupid?”

“It’s never stupid to come home.” Raphael reached across the console and wrapped his fingers around the back of Luca’s neck, pulling him in for a clumsy half-hug. “I’m glad. Nellie gave me the address to your new place. Your things have been moved over.”

Luca swallowed thickly. “I don’t deserve…”

“Bitte hör auf damit!” Raphael muttered sharply and squeezed his fingers hard. “You deserve to have a home, and it’s here. Now, I’m missing work for this, so let’s make it worth my time off. We’re going to go have a nice dinner on the way, and then we’ll get you settled.” He released Luca and gripped the wheel with one hand, using his other for his hand controls, and soon enough, they were on the open road.

Raphael had a place in mind, it seemed, because he avoided the freeway and ended up at a little kitschy restaurant on Hilton Head Island. It looked mostly like wine and starters, which was perfect for Luca since his stomach was twisted in knots, and he enjoyed the outside table the hostess had selected, settling into his chair near the heavy, wrought iron fence.

“You haven’t said more than five words since you got in the car,” Raphael pointed out after they placed their orders.

Luca drummed his fingers on the table nervously, then picked up his water glass and drank. “I’m happy to be home, and seeing you made it feel…real, I guess?” He stared at a line of water cascading through the fog of condensation along the ice line as he set his glass down, and he wondered if maybe he was just being pathetic. “Wilder hasn’t texted much. And it’s stupid to be upset about that, you know? I mean, his dad died.”

“It was poor timing,” Raphael said. The server interrupted for a moment to set down their antipasto plate and refresh their drinks. Raphael pulled some of the cheese and meats and a handful of olives before pushing the board toward Luca. “You can’t take it personally.”

“No,” Luca agreed. “And I don’t think I am. It just feels unstable. I’m falling so in love with him, but what if he doesn’t come back?”

“He will,” Raphael said, like it was a simple fact of nature—like how people breathed, and how the sun set and rose each day, and how water was wet. “He has too much here to leave behind—and one of those things is you.”

The food was good, but it still tasted like ash in Luca’s mouth. He had never put himself out there like this, had never given up his life for anyone or anything, and although he could pick himself back up, the thought of losing it all still terrified him. “You said you’ve been in love, right?”

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