Page 67 of State of Mind

He didn’t want to. Not just to avoid the humiliation of admitting his colossal mistake with her and probably so many others over his life, but he was terrified of making her feel like she was worth less to him.

Because that was never the case.

“Luca,” she said. She pulled away from his hands and leaned against the counter. “This isn’t like you. You don’t just disappear off the face of the earth like this, and you don’t say sorry. Ever.”

But he should have, years ago. “I’ve always been a fool,” he started.

She scoffed. “Not news.”

Luca couldn’t stop his smile, even as his stomach twisted in on itself. “I didn’t think you’d miss me.” His words were barely there, not even a whisper, but she heard them. Her small hands curled into fists, her dark cheeks lighting up with blushing color. “I thought you…” He licked his lips. “I didn’t think I was useful to you anymore.”

“You mean after the check,” she said through clenched teeth. “You think I’m that shallow?”

“I think—I thought,” he amended, because he was trying, he really was, “that I was that worthless. I’ve never done anything good for anyone.” He dragged a hand through his hair and took a step closer, but her entire body went rigid with tension, so he stopped. “I’ve never been the kind of person who could offer much besides money.”

“What about love? Friendship? I mean, was any of that real?” He heard the tremor in her voice, and he hated himself for how wrong he was.

“All of it. I just never let myself believe anyone felt the same way.” The truth hurt—though it was such a sad, sorry way to explain that kind of pain, but he felt unburdened. “I’m trying harder,” he told her. He took another risk and moved to stand next to her, resting both elbows on the counter, and he dropped his head forward. “I know I deserve better—but I don’t know entirely how to believe it yet.”

Gabby licked her lips, then let out a heavy breath and leaned on the counter next to him. “I’ve been telling you for years that you’re a catch. You know that.”

He laughed. “I do.”

“But you never believed me.”

Luca dragged a hand down his face. “I’ve never been good at anything, Gabs. I’ve never been worth sticking around for.” He reached over and tugged a lock of hair that had escaped from behind her ear. “You and I both know this.”

“People are trash, Luca. You can’t base your self-worth on the opinion of someone who belongs in a dumpster. Besides, I stayed for you. Doesn’t that mean something?”

He closed his eyes and grinned, shaking his head. “It means everything, babe. But you’re the exception to the rule. You always have been.”

She grinned at him. “Well. Yes. I can’t exactly deny that.”

Luca breathed out, then tugged her close and buried his nose in the top of her air. “God, I missed you.” And he had. He hadn’t let himself think about her much, because the moment he left, he fully believed she was gone—that she was finished with him, like everyone else. And he both loved and hated that he was so damn wrong. He was in love with Wilder, but his relationship with Gabby had always been so far beyond the black and white of romantic and platonic, and he knew right in that moment they’d find their new way forward.

She bit her lip, then let out a shaking sigh. “You haven’t been on social media, Adriano or Pietro won’t answer a damn text. I didn’t know what was going on. You have to tell me everything.”

He released her, and she swooped around him for one of his wine bottles—the cheap store-bought shit for their John Hughes movie nights, and she cracked the top, dragging him to the sofa without glasses. She took a long drink, then passed it over, and the burn of the chardonnay was almost comforting.

“When I got to Savannah, it was a fucking disaster,” he told her.

Gabby’s eyes went wide. “How bad? Like no internet bad?”

“More like, I made a fool of myself from the moment I got there, had a cow almost break my dick, and…” He bit his lip as her mouth twitched into a half smile. “I think I fell in love?”

He knew it sounded like a question even though his feelings were the only sure thing about him in that moment. But he wasn’t quite sure he felt worthy of it right then. Not after being such a moron.

“Who is she?” Gabby asked quietly.

“His name is Wilder. He’s Deaf. He owns a gluten-free cupcake shop, and he runs a baked goods stall at a Farmer’s Market on the weekends,” Luca closed his eyes to avoid her gaze, because the weight of it was heavy. “He took me on a dinner date at an aquarium and kissed me next to the stingray pool.”

“He sounds like some indie movie character,” she complained, but something about her relaxed, and she took another drink before settling back against the cushions. “You’re not going to fuck me tonight, are you?”

He shook his head. “No.” Then his breath halted in his chest, and he waited, because he wanted—so damn desperately—to believe she was more than he let himself think, but he couldn’t be sure. “I’m sorry.”

She waved him off. “I don’t care. I’m kind of getting serious with someone right now anyway. He works at this little bookstore like a mile from my apartment.” She sighed, and he saw something reflect in her eyes that he now understood profoundly. It was a look she never gave him, but that was okay, because he was realizing they had something more. Like he had with Raphael. Like Wilder had with Jayden. “Tell me more about your guy,” she said as she settled deeper into the cushions.

“There’s not much else.” Luca smiled as he realized how simple and easy it was to love Wilder. How he existed, but didn’t consume. “He’s good looking. He’s smart, and he’s funny. He’s kind of an asshole.” Luca sighed and stole the wine back. “I’m trying not to suffer too much from the irony of falling in love with a man in the same place Adriano fell in love with Noah.”

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