Page 39 of State of Mind

He wanted to hold on with both hands, but he didn’t want to scare Raphael off.

“This is more than a thanks,” Luca said after a beat.

Raphael blinked at him, then slowly withdrew his hand. “I told you, it’s not a good idea if we…”

“Look, you are hot,” Luca interrupted. “Stupid hot. But I don’t want to sleep with you.”

Raphael raised a brow. “Okay?”

“I went on a date with Wilder last night, and we kissed,” he blurted. He looked away, not able to meet the sheer rise of joy in Raphael’s eyes. “And if I’m with him again tonight, I’m going to get hard—and when it happened last night, it hurt so bad I wanted to pass out.”

There was a silence so heavy, he could almost hear the flecks of dust in the air as they blew past his ears. Then Raphael threw his head back and gave a deep, rich belly laugh. “Ach du heilige scheisse. You’re serious, aren’t you?”

Luca didn’t know what the German words were, but he could tell from his face it was subtle mockery. “Yes. So, I’m here to visit my new friend and thank him with dinner that I meticulously researched, and also give my dick some time to heal so I can kiss him without wanting to cry.”

Raphael reached out for him again, and Luca expected a pat on the shoulder or a gentle hand-squeeze, but instead the man gathered him close. Luca towered over Raphael by at least six inches, yet he felt small in his arms and weak against the strength of them. He dropped his forehead to Raphael’s shoulder and sighed out a breath.

“Tell me this thing with Wilder isn’t a bad idea. I like him a lot, but I did not come to Savannah for this.”

“It isn’t wrong because you didn’t come here for this.” Raphael eased Luca’s face up and braced himself with a firm grip on his shoulders. “You can have both things, you know?”

“Both things?”

“A path to find something good in your life—a way to be happy with yourself. And you can also find someone who makes you happy separate from that. Wilder doesn’t have to be anything more than just a man you like.”

Luca hadn’t realized just how badly he needed to hear that, but the relief of it was like a gut-punch. “Oh.”

Raphael chuckled and gave his cheek a pat. “Make me some dinner, and I’ll find a movie we can watch, hmm?”

Luca’s face softened, and he stepped back from Raphael’s touch. “Yeah. I can do that.” He turned to the stove as Raphael walked out of the kitchen, and he let himself just stand there for a long moment and feel.

* * *

“Is your mother still alive?” Raphael asked an hour later as they were scraping the last of the vegetables and sauce from their plates.

Luca’s brows lifted. “Yes?”

“Is she still in love with your father?”

Luca realized where he was going with that statement, and he rolled his eyes, snatching the plate out of Raphael’s hand and walking to the sink. He’d kept the place relatively clean—a new thing he was trying since he’d been humiliated by the state of his apartment when Wilder had come over.

He wanted the embarrassment he’d been through since arriving in Savannah to mean something—to help him find whatever sort of substance it was he was looking for.

Stacking the plates in the sink, he moved back to the sofa where Raphael was still sprawled with his legs on the table, and as he sat, Raphael’s thighs began to tremble. “Shit, are you…”

“Spasms,” Raphael said, his voice a little tense. His eyes shut, and his mouth formed a thin line, but he didn’t move to stop them, so Luca held back.

“Hurts?”

“Not as bad as when I was a kid. But it’s not comfortable.” He muttered a long string of soft German under his breath, then heaved out a sigh when the tremors started to calm down. “I was on my feet a lot today. Using my wheelchair helps, but I like walking.”

He said it with a sort of defensive tension Luca recognized all too well—like maybe he was about to be given the third degree over why he didn’t just use his chair all the time. It was only funny because Luca had been asking himself over the last week why he’d let himself avoid every hard decision in his life.

Why had he been so weak?

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Luca offered.

Raphael snorted. “Come over again and cook me more food?”

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