Page 36 of State of Mind

It was.

He repeated that like a mantra because Luca might be the first since Scott, but he didn’t have to be the last. He was the step toward this path Wilder was ready to take. He wanted to learn his new normal, his new boundaries. He wanted to explore this version of himself that erupted from the ashes of his former life and grew into a whole person.

In spite of his nerves, Luca seemed genuinely excited for the trip into the aquarium, and Wilder was excited because the maximum capacity there was twenty, which meant there wouldn’t be overwhelming noise if they chose to not sign, which Wilder often preferred in public.

He hated being watched. Signing was his language, and he should have unrestricted access to it, but it was exhausting feeling like he was on display, giving some sort of modern art performance for hearing people.

More times than he could count, he caught people surreptitiously trying to record him when he was with Deaf friends back in college, and after Scott, the idea of anyone watching him without his consent sent him into spirals of anxiety.

It was why dating still terrified him. It was why walking toward the door with Luca grabbing his hand made his heart race.

Not enough to turn back, but enough to feel a flush creeping up the back of his neck as they approached the doors.

“Let me,” Wilder muttered, fumbling in his pocket for the print-out. The woman at the door looked bored more than anything and used a hand-held to scan the code before waving them through. Wilder had been to the aquarium twice—both times during the day. There had been kids and parents and even a field trip, and the sheer volume of white noise had overwhelmed him to the point he’d pushed his hearing aids into his pocket and let everything dim to a quiet roar.

It had taken something away from his experience, having to navigate through the sensory over-load, and he’d done it alone. By the time he’d gotten back to his car, he was grateful he’d gone, but he was still trembling at the knees, and his head was still pounding. He wanted this time to be different. He was desperate for it.

He wanted to hold Luca’s hand and watch another universe float above them. He wanted to let himself feel small and unimportant and then look across the table and be reminded that he wasn’t. And it might have been unfair to put that on Luca, but the way he clung to Wilder said maybe he understood.

“I think it’s this way,” Wilder said, tugging Luca toward the sign that led to the people mover. It ran through the small aquarium tunnel and opened into a larger auditorium under the dome of water. According to the photos, all the tables were set up there, with dinner service, cocktails, and desserts.

For building his entire life around rich, sweet desserts, he had never let himself have something that felt so decadent before. His palm was a little sweaty against Luca’s, but the other man showed no signs of wanting to let go as they stepped under the faint, soothing blue lights of rippling water, tropical fish swimming through it like a cascade of rainbows over their heads.

His breath caught in his throat, and he found himself smiling as he watched a shark press its belly to the glass, then wander off without a care in the world. It wasn’t a life he wanted to live—he liked being busy, he liked being human—but he thought maybe it would be a soothing rest for a little while.

“This is amazing. I had no idea this place even existed the last time I was on this side of the country.” Luca’s voice carried in the echo of the tunnel, reaching Wilder’s ears and rushing through him like a vibration. “Thank you.”

Wilder had no real answer for him, so he squeezed Luca’s fingers a bit tighter, then led the way off the people mover and toward the woman standing as hostess for the arriving couples.

There were only ten tables set up, a bit close together, but the room was quiet and had the same echo from the glass above them. Wilder wanted to look up. He wanted to lie on his back and hold Luca’s hand all night and watch the sea from below it. Instead, he gave their name and followed quietly to the table that was one close to the glass.

“Are you hungry?” Wilder asked as he picked up his menu.

Luca laughed. “Not really? I was nervous, and it killed my appetite.”

“Are you afraid of fish?” Wilder asked with a tiny grin.

“I was afraid of having to be myself.”

Wilder blinked in surprise, and it took him a moment to form his question. “What do you mean?”

With a shrug, Luca shifted his chair closer. “Is this okay, or do you want me to sign?”

“Voice right now,” Wilder asked. He braced himself for Luca to ask why, but the other man just nodded instead.

“You know by now I don’t have real friends. Every time I was out with people, it was like putting on a show. Rich, pretentious, spoiled. We’d shop at designer boutiques and eat at restaurants where the meal cost more than my mortgage. We’d drive aimlessly in my Bentley so people could be seen in it.” He ducked his head for a second, and Wilder could see a rising flush on his cheeks, though it faded by the time he looked up again. “It was the only way my friends would spend time with me.”

“All of them?” Wilder asked quietly.

“Enough of them. And you, well…you just want dinner. It’s new.”

The way he bit his lip and looked so damn unsure made Wilder’s gut clench, because in reality, he did want something more than dinner. He wanted to press Luca to the cool glass and kiss him until neither of them could breathe. He wanted to put hands on him, wanted to wrap around him, wanted to feel things he hadn’t let himself feel in so many years because he was afraid of his own vulnerability. He wanted to take him home, to keep him, to wake up with him in the morning and start all over again.

Wilder wasn’t sure if that made him better or worse. Or maybe he was just the same as all those other people. But he liked to think that maybe what he wanted was okay, because maybe Luca wanted it too. He lifted his water glass and smiled over the rim. “Here’s to new experiences, then?”

Luca’s smile was bright—lighting up the place like the roof cracked open and let the sun in. They clinked glasses and took a sip, and Wilder knew that no matter how far gone he was, he could never let him be like those people in Luca’s life who wanted to bleed him dry.

Lust would never be enough.

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