Page 101 of Fling

‘A simple mistake? You followed me to try and catch me having an affair!’

‘You mean the way you followed me to catch me having an affair? What was I supposed to think when you left for work in a cocktail dress and eight-inch heels?’

‘God, men really have a warped view of how big an inch is, don’t they? Dr Burke, allow me to explain what we’re talking about,’ Tara said, turning to her.

‘There’s no need, Tara, I saw the video online,’ Dr Burke said with a faint smile.

‘Oh for God’s sake, even you’ve seen it? Emily was right, it’s gone viral. Congratulations, Colin, you’ve turned me into a complete laughing stock!’ Tara snapped.

‘You’re barely even in the video, Tara, I’m the one they were recording. And for the record, most of the comments are saying I’m very heroic for what I did,’ he bragged.

‘You’re lucky you’re not in jail, Colin! You can’t just go around assaulting people!’

‘I can when they’re feeling up my wife! I cannot believe you’re siding with the man who put his hand up your dress. You see, Dr Burke, my wife isn’t a feminist and that’s a big part of the problem,’ Colin said, mimicking Tara’s words from their one and only therapy session.

‘I AM A FEMINIST!’ Tara screamed.

‘Well, according to the comments on the video, I’m the new face of feminism,’ Colin said, taking out his phone. ‘Let’s see . . . ah yes, here we are. The top comment says, “This is what a feminist looks like #ImWithHim”, and the second one says, “We need more men like him to stand up to misogyny #HeForShe”. See, I’m a feminist icon.’ He was revelling in the moment.

Tara felt as if steam was about to come out of her ears. All she wanted was to be a feminist icon who inspired women, and now Colin was the bloody poster boy for women’s liberation! It didn’t make any sense! She had spent eighteen years trying to get Colin to say he was a feminist and now all she wanted was for him to shut the hell up.

‘I won’t let you distract me from the facts, Colin. We were fighting before Al Fresco, remember? Or have you forgotten the fact that you slept with another woman?’ Tara said.

‘How many times do I have to say it? I didn’t have sex with anyone else! Look at my nostrils. Are they flaring? No!’ Colin said, genuinely telling the truth.

‘I saw you go into that hotel room with my own two eyes, Colin. Most likely with a sex worker!’

‘She wasn’t a sex worker!’

‘She might as well have been. Dr Burke, let the record show that my husband cheated on me due to his incurable Madonna–Whore Complex,’ Tara said, expecting her to write it down.

‘I never actually made that diagnosis,’ Dr Burke said.

‘Well, whoever that home-wrecker was in that room with you, at least I didn’t barge in and punch her in her face!’

‘Oh yeah, you just waited at home in the dark so you could attack me with pub signs! Dr Burke, let the record show that my wife threw dangerous objects directly at my head,’ Colin said.

‘Oh please, nothing could put a dent in that thick skull of yours,’ Tara said, turning away from him.

‘I would like it stricken from the record that I met a sex worker.’

‘You do realize we’re not in court and there is no record?’ Dr Burke said.

‘Did this tramp know you were married?’ Tara asked.

‘Yes. She’s married too.’

‘Well then, I should track her down and sleep with her husband. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Come on, what’s her name?’ Tara said.

‘She’s nobody. She was just a woman who made me feel good about myself. She was kind, gentle and she actually wanted me to be happy.’

‘WELL, WHY DON’T YOU JUST MARRY HER THEN?’ Tara yelled childishly.

‘MAYBE I WILL!’ Colin said, every bit as immature.

‘You know what? That actually makes me feel better,’ Tara said, calming down. ‘When a woman steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him.’

‘Great. So where’s this separation agreement? I’m ready to sign and become a free man.’

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