Page 102 of Fling

‘Well, we haven’t actually begun the mediation process yet,’ Dr Burke chimed in.

‘Let’s get on with it then,’ Colin said, slouching back in his chair.

‘Anyway,’ Dr Burke said, finally able to proceed. ‘Today is about coming together in order to divide. It’s not a divorce, it’s more of an uncoupling.’

‘Oh just call a spade a spade,’ Colin muttered.

‘After this meeting, I’ll go and draft up the separation agreement for you both to sign and it will lay everything out clearly if you want to begin formal divorce proceedings. So first things first. Assets and liabilities.’

‘Well . . . there’s the house,’ Tara said. ‘I’m currently living there. Colin is staying with a friend.’

‘Which makes no sense considering it’s a three-bedroom house!’ Colin said, getting slightly heated again.

‘I think a little bit of space is a reasonable request, all things considered.’

‘So I’m supposed to just keep paying half the mortgage, am I?’

‘Of course not. It doesn’t make sense to keep the house. It’s probably worth a lot more now than when we bought it. We’ll be able to pay back the banks and make some money for ourselves,’ Tara said with sadness in her voice. She knew selling made the most sense but she did still feel an emotional attachment to the house. She had her gut feeling the first time she saw it that told her she would live happily ever after within its walls. But life hadn’t been the fairy tale she had hoped it would be. Perhaps it was time to pack up and move on. ‘I say we sell the house and I’ll stay in it until it’s sold.’

‘I can’t stay on Rory’s couch, it’s bad for my back.’

‘Well, my back’s a bit sore from the knife you lodged in it, so I’m staying. Let’s not forget who the breadwinner is,’ Tara said, trying to hurt Colin.

‘I thought you were off carbs?’ Colin said, mocking her.

‘Whoever stays in the house will have to decorate it for an open house so we can sell it. Naturally, I’m the right person for the job.’

‘Oh please, in a week you’ll have “Live Laugh Love” plastered on every single wall in the house!’

‘Well, you’d end up turning every room into a man cave. Not happening! I’m staying and that’s the end of it,’ Tara scoffed.

‘Fine, but don’t come crying to me when you find a spider in the sink you’re too afraid to kill,’ Colin sulked.

‘I’d rather live with a spider in the sink than a snake in the grass!’

‘Tara. Colin,’ Dr Burke said, interrupting their fight. ‘We are leaning back into marriage counselling territory here. Remember, this is marriage mediation. It’s about agreeing on how best to separate.’

‘OK, let’s keep going,’ Tara said.

After about three hours of bickering, Colin and Tara had finally agreed on the terms of their separation. Tara would stay in the house until it was sold, and Colin would stay with Rory while he searched for his own bachelor pad in the city.

After the house was sold, all the assets within the house were to be divided up in a ridiculously peevish manner. If Tara wanted the lamps, Colin wanted the light bulbs. Tara could have the bed but Colin insisted on the mattress. Colin got the couch but Tara got the cushions.

But eventually, the tit-for-tat saga was over and Dr Burke had finally compiled all the information for the separation agreement.

‘OK,’ Dr Burke said. ‘I think that just about covers everything. I will have the agreement drawn up this evening and posted to your house tomorrow.’

‘Thank you, Dr Burke,’ Tara said as she and Colin stood up. Colin headed straight for the door without even saying goodbye.

‘Sorry about him,’ Tara said, embarrassed.

‘Remember you don’t have to apologize any more,’ Dr Burke said.

‘Oh yes, sorry,’ Tara said, realizing she had just apologized again.

‘Can I just say one thing before you go?’ Dr Burke asked Tara politely.

‘Of course, doctor,’ Tara said.

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