Page 72 of Touch in the Dark

“And how do you feel about it?” he asks.

I’m not sure how to answer that question. Because despite trying to figure out my next move, I don’t have a single clue how I feel. I know all of my friends’ differing opinions, Remi’s run away fast, Jenna’s grab him with both hands and don’t let go, or Brooke’s get it out of my system and move on. All valid points but all swirling so much, I’m just confused.

“Elsa?” he prompts.

“Can we just not put a label on it right now?” I ask, turning to the fridge.

“I’m not asking for a label. I’m asking for a chance.”

“A chance?” I turn to look at him.

He hasn’t changed his position, leaning leisurely against my kitchen counter, the mug held in his palm, not by the handle. I don’t know why that is hot, it just is. I must look like a train wreck, my long hair knotted, yesterday’s make up still on. He looks like he’s ready for another photoshoot.

“Look, I know we have a… past. One that didn’t end well and that was all on me.”

“Damn right it was,” I say, letting some of the doubts creep in further, the hurt rises again as I picture that day when I saw him on a news show. He rubs his lips together as his mind goes back to the same night. “You didn’t even try to talk to me.”

“I knew nothing I could say would make it right.”

Well, that was straight to the point. I look away from him. It’s starting to hurt staring directly at him. Like he’s the sun, all set on destroying me with his heat. “I heard you didn’t even go through with it,” I tell him.

He frowns for a moment, then shakes his head. “Jenna?”

I shrug. “She is a hopeless romantic.”

Nick runs a hand over his hair, messing it up, yet somehow making it look better. “She’s right.”

“God, I don’t know whether that makes things better or worse,” I shake my head and walk to the island setting down my smoothy besides the coffee.

“How could it be worse?”

“Because you let me believe it happened. You let me walk away. Why Nick?”

“I don’t know,” he shakes his head, the brutal honesty in his tone smacks into me like my face hitting a wall.

“I think you do,” I disagree, folding my arms. “You just can’t admit it to yourself.”

He looks down into his mug. Whatever hope I had that he would acknowledge his fears to himself or me, dies when he doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure where we stand. I know my reasons for last night, lust and need and wanting to take away what I knew was pain filling his eyes. I don’t know what caused that pain or whether that was the only reason he came to me in that dressing room. Last night I was drawn in by all of his broken pieces, wanting to put them back together. This morning, self-preservation is taking control. Nick won’t change. Not until he faces whatever demons he has inside.

Because there are demons. This is not just about being afraid of commitment.

The ice thaws a little when I think about what happened to his grandma, but he is a grown man, he should be able to acknowledge and face his problems, not run from them. I won’t be a problem he uses and runs from.

“Look, the truth is,” he starts, straightening slightly but his brow puckers as he pauses. “I’ve never been in a situation like this before.”

“Like what?” I ask, not making it any easier on him.

“This,” he points between us. “Where someone actually matters…”

I don’t do or say anything to help him out, though I want to. There are only two ways this can go and one of them involves Nick completely owning his issues and changing. In my experience, people tend not to be able to do that. The thing with Nick though, if he really tries, if he focuses on what the underlying problem is, he might be able to.

Like Jenna says, he is a good person at the heart of him. He cares deeply for his band members and close friends and will do anything for them. He extended that to me, even when we were together. There was always a part of him he held back.

“Regardless of whether I went through with it or not. It was a dick move and I got everything I deserved, especially when I just let you believe the worst. I do regret that, Elsa.”

I nod, I can accept that, but it isn’t enough to fix this. Us. He places his coffee down and looks through the window behind him. I feel strangely relieved but disappointed too. I’m not going to be enough to get him to open up. I don’t know why I thought things would be different this time. I let lust get the better of me and now I am going to have to pick up the pieces, again.

Nick pushes away from the counter and moves towards me so fast, I barely have time to realise what is going on. He grabs my waist, pulls me into him and kisses me, thoroughly. All I can do is hold onto his forearms as he cups the back of my head and wraps an arm around me, so I am at his mercy. When he stops and pulls back slightly to look at me, I am breathless.

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