Page 39 of Sky Full of Stars

“How can you say that?”

“Because it’s true,” I say a little harsher than I intended. “We’ve said all along this thing we are doing is strange. It’s because it doesn’t mean anything.”

He’s quiet for a minute. “It meant something to me.”

I’m stunned into silence. It meant something to me too but I don’t want to admit it.

“You looked me up?” he changes the subject.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t? I found out you’ve been lying to me the whole time I’ve been talking to you. I wanted to know who you actually are.”

“I’m not that guy you’ve read about Jenna. I’ve done some shit sure, but most of what is out there, is fake, its lies by the press or things our publicist puts out to sell more records, make us more relevant, or whatever. That is what my life is and I tried to tell you that, I know I did a shitty job of it. I tried to keep my distance,” he pauses to drink some coffee and leans back in his chair. “Believe me, I tried. You’re not like any of the other women I’ve met. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for you to realise who I am and when it didn’t,” he shrugs. “Then all I could think was how it would hurt us if you found out the truth, knowing that my lifestyle is… different. I didn’t want to stop talking to you. I didn’t want to do what my head was telling me to and stop altogether.”

“I could have handled the truth, Adam.”

“Could you? Really?”

I think about it. Probably not. I doubt I would have responded to anything he sent me, I certainly wouldn’t have done what we did on the phone. He can tell from my silence what my answer is.

“Despite what I really wanted, I convinced myself to let this go after what happened in LA. I know you were hurt by what you saw and I decided it would be best to forget about you and what we’ve had the last few months, let you live your life without my insanity in it. It would have been the smart thing to do. But I came to New York anyway, still telling myself I’d leave you alone. I was here to see my family and catch up with some other people, not go near you. You don’t need someone like me in your life. But I need you to know it wasn’t my intention to hurt you.” He blows out a breath. “I haven’t talked about the things I talked to you about for years. My family, friends, my real name for fucks sake,” he winces and looks apologetic for swearing. “To the world I’m Aidan Gass. To you, I was Adam. It was nice to be the real me for a change.”

All I can do is look down at my hands. He does seem genuine but he could just be a really good actor. Why would he come here to talk to me? Go to all this trouble to make sure he can explain himself? “What do you want from me?” I ask quietly, my eyes meeting his. “Now that I know who you are, we can’t just pick up where we left off.”

“I thought you would feel like that and I told myself I would go with it, that I couldn’t invade your life but,” he raises and drops his arms, then looks away in silence.

“What?”

He looks back, huffs out a laugh. “Seeing you changed my mind. I don’t want to walk away and forget about you.”

I swallow.

“It’s not just about how you look, it’s who you are, and it’s the way you make me feel like me again. It’s so messed up. My friends told me to forget about it. My life is crazy, it would never work, but I’ve never wanted anything more.”

“Your friends? You told them about me?”

“Yeah. Well, Arch set me straight when I got shit faced drunk over what happened in LA,” he cuts himself off.

He got drunk? Is that really because of me? A part of me felt relieved he’d told someone, it meant he really did feel something for me, for this, whatever it is. I look at my watch, it’s been much longer than the twenty minutes I told Izzy I would be. I should tell her I’d be longer. Adam misinterprets what I’m doing.

“I’m sorry, Jenna. I guess I’m deluded or something.” He puts his hands on the table and starts to push his chair back.

I reach out a hand and touch his fingertips. “Adam, it’s not that. This is crazier than our texts. It’s… You’re… I don’t know what to think right now. We really don’t know anything about each other. I’m sorry you got shit faced drunk because of me,” I laugh a little, it really isn’t funny but I can’t help myself.

He looks at me like I’m mad then at my fingers on his. He sits back down and after a few seconds his face cracks into a smile.

“I don’t know what to do next,” I say taking my hand back.

“Well, why don’t we eat something, we can talk?”

“I’m not sleeping with you,” I blurt out.

His eyebrows shoot up.

“I mean, if we’re gonna talk properly in person and you know…get to know each other, I don’t think we should sleep together, even though we said we wanted to on the phone.”

He looks amused. “Okay…Never?” he adds.

“Let’s just take that off the table for now.” Not just because I’m terrified of the thought, because it will prove if what he is saying is true, when he can get anyone he wants, it’s a good test of how serious he is.

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