Page 9 of When Cardinals Appear

“It’s not like you’ll never see or hear from me again. We can set up weekly calls and plan visits.”

“No offense, Lanie, but if your behavior while you were at school is any indication, I don’t trust you’ll keep in touch.” He raised an eyebrow in challenge.

Ouch. He doesn’t trust me? My teeth worried my lower lip. Deep down, I knew he had a point, though he could have approached it with a slight degree of tact. Aside from confirming that I’d received emails or sending back text responses in five words or less, I hadn’t maintained regular contact with anyone from home. I already dreaded the dressing-down I expected to receive from my friends when they learned I was back.

Folding his hands on the table, he leaned forward. “Look, I get that you don’t want to talk about it, and I’m not here to pressure you. I’d just like to have a better understanding of why you have to move so far away. California is as close to moving out of the country as you could possibly get.”

“Hawaii is farther,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood. It didn’t work. My attention returned to the mini jukebox as I debated my next words. “James isn’t a small-town kind of guy, and he’s from the West Coast, so he prefers to stay out there. And the job is the perfect start for where I want to go. It’ll give me the resources and skills to make a difference for these kids.” Neither was a lie, not technically. Maybe it was lying by omission, but did that really count?

“But don’t you think you could make more of a difference to children who are struggling in underfunded special education programs here?”

I dropped my gaze and stared at the table. Of course I’d considered that. Struggled with it was more like it. The school where I would teach was one of the top special education academies in the country, and as such, it was expensive and difficult to get into. Parents desperate to find the best education for their children waited years to be accepted. That meant some of the children who needed help the most were unable to access it. But even if I wanted to move home, which I definitely did not for a multitude of reasons, I couldn’t. Not without breaking the promise I made to Mom. Besides, I’d already run into one of those reasons that morning and hoped to avoid repeat performances of the encounter.

“Does this have anything to do with Nate?” Steven asked as if he could read my mind.

“It has more to do with James,” I replied, then I raised my eyes to meet his, trying to gauge if he could see through my half-truths. Seeing Nate that morning had shaken me more than I was willing to admit, even to myself. “But honestly, it’s just this town.” I waved a hand toward the window. “There are so many memories. I don’t think I could bear it.” I gave a one-shoulder shrug. “Besides, you know Mom always wanted something more for me. She never wanted me to settle.”

I’d never told anyone else about the promise I’d made, not even Steven. When I fell in love with Nate, I’d kept it a secret because I had every intention of breaking the promise. And then after he dumped me, it seemed I would keep it whether I wanted to or not. With Mom gone, it felt even more imperative that I honor my word.

“Are you engaged?”

I blinked at his bluntness but shook my head. “We’ve talked about marriage, but I think James wanted to wait until everything was settled here. He doesn’t want to overwhelm me when I already have enough on my plate. But once things calm down, I expect he’ll ask.”

“And I assume you’ll accept?” Steven cocked his head, studying me.

“Sure,” I said, unable to pull any enthusiasm into my voice. I hoped Steven wouldn’t notice. “Why wouldn’t I? After all, James was there for me when Mom died, and we both know how much she loved him.”

“I guess I expected you would be more excited about the prospect of getting engaged.” A laugh bubbled out of his throat. “If Rose had had your lackluster attitude about it, I never would have proposed!” His smile faded, and he ran his hand through his hair. “Look, if California is where you want to be, you have my full support. I’ll even try to help you convince Dad that it’s the best move for you.” He rolled his eyes. “Though we both know that’s a losing battle. But just… promise me you’re not doing this out of some misplaced obligation, to either James or Mom.”

Our food arrived, and I silently thanked the server for her impeccable timing. I couldn’t look him in the eye and make that vow, not when my last one haunted me like a shadow I couldn’t shake. What I’d told Steven was true enough. Mom did love James, not so much for who he was but for what he represented—my ticket out of town to the life she wanted for me. The one I promised her I would live. And after spending so much of my relationship with Nate fighting with Mom, it had been nice to be with someone who earned Mom’s approval, regardless of how I felt about it.

James had spent Mom’s last weeks with me. He’d stayed for the funeral, then he left and went backpacking in Europe to celebrate finishing his degree. It strained our relationship, and for a while, I considered breaking it off. When he returned to Seattle in the fall, he convinced me to stay with him by helping me study for exams and taking care of necessities like grocery shopping and running errands. His support during my last semester had more than made up for his absence in the months prior, or at least, that was what I told myself.

My phone buzzed. I listened to the voice message, meeting Steven’s questioning look across the table. “Just James checking in.”

“No word on the car, then?”

“Apparently not,” I replied. “But I don’t mind going over there and waiting. I can’t imagine it will take much longer.”

“I’ll drop you off when we’re done here.”

“I’d appreciate that. Is there anything else we need to do today?”

Steven shook his head. “I think at this point, we just need to start preparing the house.”

“I can work on Mom’s clothes this afternoon, and then maybe this weekend, we can figure out the furniture.”

“I’ll come by the day after tomorrow,” Steven said. “If there are any items neither of us want, we’ll need to get them appraised and hold an estate sale. I’d like to do that as soon as possible.”

I nodded glumly. Once again, my brother’s businesslike approach to Mom’s possessions grated on my emotions. I knew he meant well and that his efforts to move things along were just part of the process, but it was difficult for me to follow his lead. Perhaps I was being sentimental, but I thought there should be more reverence for the life our mother had led. An estate sale was just a fancy name for a yard sale, and it lacked dignity.

Bea stopped by our table briefly to say goodbye, then Steven and I bundled up before heading out into the bleak January weather. I prayed I wouldn’t run into Nate while I waited at the mechanic’s shop. His father had often spent much of his day in the small office above the garage, completing paperwork, and I crossed my fingers and hoped that Nate spent most of his time there as well.

“I’ll text you when I’m on my way over,” Steven said as he pulled into the parking lot.

“Sounds good. Thanks for lunch and the ride.”

“No problem. Good luck with Nate,” he replied with a hint of humor in his eyes.

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