Page 70 of When Cardinals Appear

I hadn’t practiced what I would say. Truthfully, I wasn’t feeling fully coherent, having spent most of my week hiding in bed. Just speak from the heart.

And so I did. “I’m not angry with you for not telling me what my mother did.” He visibly relaxed beside me. If I had been in a better mood, I might have laughed at his naivete. “But what I can’t forgive…” I stopped and took a breath. “What I don’t understand is why you took her at her word. She might have lit the match, but you stoked the fire.” I raised my eyes to meet his and saw my own pain reflected there.

The words poured out of me faster than I could process them. “Why didn’t you talk to me after she showed you those pictures, after she told you that you were holding me back? She’d tried so many times before, Nate. We even joked about it the other night. The yellow police tape, the tacos, all her subtle and not-so-subtle attempts to break us up.” I shook my head. “And none of it worked. At least, not until I left.”

His eyes welled up with tears before he dropped his head into his hands. I waited for him to speak, and when he didn’t, I pressed on.

“You could have asked me, Nate. You could have point-blank asked me if I was cheating on you, if I had moved on.” I threw up my hands. “Hell, I asked you. That last fight we had, I begged you to tell me who she was. Who had stolen your heart away from me. And you swore there wasn’t anyone else. But you never asked me the same.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Why was it so easy for you to believe my mother? Why didn’t you trust me?”

“I never thought you were cheating on me,” he said quietly.

I stared at him as tears streamed down my cheeks. At least that was something, but it didn’t explain why he’d stopped calling me. It didn’t provide me with an understandable reason for why he just let things fizzle out for months only to explode when we finally saw each other again. All it gave me was more questions.

“Then why? Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“Because she was right!” His dark eyes flew to my face, and the rage and pain I saw there took my breath away. “I was holding you back, Lanie. You were always meant for bigger and better things than Cedar Haven, and I couldn’t bear to be the thing standing in your way.” He clenched his hands into fists. “Even now, even after telling you about the position here, even after you told me you were going to accept, I can’t bear to think that you’re throwing away your life for me.”

“I’m not,” I blurted out. I hadn’t meant to say it, but I recognized the truth in my words. Nate might have told me about the job and given me a reason to stay, but it wasn’t my only one. I’d fallen in love with those kids, and I hated the thought of leaving them with a stranger. But I also wanted to rebuild my relationship with Steven and spend more time with Rose. I wanted to reconnect with old friends and make a place for myself there, in my hometown.

“In some ways,” he continued as if I hadn’t spoken, “I think I told you about your mom when I did because I wanted to convince you that you were right all along. That you deserved better than this town. She didn’t want you to settle, and I worried that if I didn’t tell you, that’s exactly what you’d be doing.”

I crossed my arms and glared at him. “It doesn’t matter what she wanted. What matters is what I want. And I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you.”

When he met my eyes again, they were so filled with hope I couldn’t stand it, but I wasn’t done. “Which is why learning that you listened to my mother instead of talking to me hurts so much. Her betrayal was bad enough on its own, but coupled with yours—”

His mouth dropped open. “You think I betrayed you?”

“How else would you describe it?”

His throat moved as he swallowed. “I guess I never really thought of it that way.”

I turned and stared out the windshield, gathering my thoughts. “Do you know how many nights I sobbed myself to sleep when you wouldn’t answer my calls or texts? Do you have any idea what your silence did to me?” I closed my eyes as the memories of my freshman year washed over me. “It was hard enough being in a new city, meeting new people. The pictures my mother showed you were a farce. I met most of those people in classes and never saw them again after that first semester. But I put on a show for her.” I opened my eyes and looked over at him. “Had I known what she would do with my performance, I never would have bothered.”

He opened his mouth as if to respond, but I cut him off. I was tired of that conversation. I needed to get my groceries and get home.

“My family thinks I should go to California now,” I said, unable to keep the bitterness from my voice.

His breath hitched. “You’re leaving?”

“I haven’t decided yet.” I risked a glance at him, which was a mistake because the devastation I found there shattered my heart. I grabbed my purse and tucked my keys inside. “I need some time.”

He grabbed my arm. “I’m sorry, Lanie.” His voice was hoarse. “I didn’t know.”

I smiled sadly as I shook him off and climbed out of the car. “Because you never asked.”

“That’s quite a story,” Dr. Brooks said when I finished telling her all that had happened since my last session.

I nodded and fell back against the couch, my energy drained. Reliving the last week had taken a lot out of me. But I also felt like a weight had been lifted off me.

“So, what are you going to do?” she asked, cocking her head. She was perched on her office chair again and had furiously jotted down notes while I talked. “Are you going to stay here, or will you go back to the West Coast?”

I bit my lip. Wasn’t that her job? Okay, well, maybe she couldn’t tell me what to do, but couldn’t she give me a hint? Some guidance? My decision-making skills weren’t exactly stellar, if the last seven days were any indication.

“I don’t know.” I widened my eyes, hoping she would see the plea in them.

“What do you want to do?”

Stifling a sigh, I dropped my gaze and fidgeted with a string on the cushion. That question was quickly becoming my least favorite. As if it were so easy to say what I wanted after spending so long chasing after what my mother wanted.

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