Page 66 of When Cardinals Appear

“You’re right. It does seem more than a little suspect.” I lifted my hand, ticking off items on my fingers as I spoke. “First, you tell me about a job here, and you encourage me to apply even after I tell you I have a job waiting for me in California. Then, we spend all this time together, preparing for the estate sale, fixing my mom’s car, and then this afternoon, after the play, we kissed, which would have been the perfect moment to tell me. But you never said a word.” I shook my head, trying to clear it. My disbelief was fading as anger took its place.

“I wasn’t going to say anything. I thought it would remain something that happened between Melody and me, but then Max told me at dinner last night that he knew—”

What the— “You had dinner with my dad?” I demanded, a fire building in my belly. Of course my father was involved. The one person who had consistently berated me for choosing California over Cedar Haven wouldn’t be able to resist any chance to convince me to stay. My skin prickled with rage. His strange line of questioning the other night suddenly made perfect sense. And what did you and Nate talk about? Because he knew what Mom and Nate had discussed.

Nate blanched, and it was clear by the expression on his face he hadn’t meant to tell me that. “Steven asked me to meet him and Max.”

Steven too? I closed my eyes, trying to control my temper. Did no one in my family trust me to make my own decisions? Part of me wanted to go to California just to spite them all.

“Is that why you said no to dinner with me? Because you had plans with them?”

At his nod, the thin leash I had on my rage evaporated.

“To what? Conspire behind my back about keeping me here?”

Mixed in with my anger was a sharp pain, twisting in my gut. While I’d expected my father not to play fair, the idea that Nate was in on it cut me to my core. And then he’d lied to me about it. He’d refused to have dinner with me because he would rather collude with my family. Bile rose in my throat.

He dropped his gaze but not before I saw the guilt in his eyes. So, that was what this was all about. A stupid scheme to try to convince me to stay. I hated myself for how well it had worked. I was such an idiot, thinking that I’d figured out what the so-called “real Lanie” wanted. But no, it’d all been a conniving charade so my father could get what he wanted. I shoved my food away and stood, grabbing my coat.

“Wait, Lanie, don’t leave,” Nate protested, standing as well. “Please let me explain.”

“I’ve heard enough!” I threw some money on the table and glared at him. “Don’t follow me.” Without waiting for a response, I turned and fled before he could see the tears gathering in my eyes.

Chapter Thirteen

I didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t bear to sit in that house after what Nate had told me. I wasn’t sure which upset me more, my mother’s alleged confession or Nate’s clandestine meeting with my family. Either way, I needed some distance from anything that would remind me I was a McAllister.

Which was why it made no sense at all when I found myself pulling into the parking lot of the cemetery a few minutes later. I hadn’t been there since the funeral. It hurt too much.

As I stood at the edge of the graveyard, that night didn’t feel like the right time either. My emotions overwhelmed me, and I didn’t know what I hoped to accomplish by going there. Would I confront my mother or at least what was left of her? Was that my plan? Or had I gone there for answers, ones I had little chance of ever receiving? If Nate’s story was true, and he had not only seen my mom behind my back but had heard her confession with his own ears, then had everything I’d believed about my mom been a lie?

Fresh tears pricked the backs of my eyelids, and I bowed my head. I could admit there was some truth to Nate’s story. I remembered the parents’ weekend he referenced. Mom had been thrilled to see me making so many new friends, particularly ones of the male persuasion. I wouldn’t have put it past Mom to do exactly what Nate described. And it explained his distance for the last month or so of the semester. It was why I’d thought he’d found someone new but just didn’t have the courage to tell me. So it didn’t surprise me when we broke up after I returned home. He’d sworn up and down that he hadn’t cheated on me, and deep down, I’d always known he was telling the truth. But to learn that it might have all been Mom’s doing cut deep.

My hands curled into fists at my side. Mom and I had never had an easy relationship, but that? That was by far the worst thing she had ever done to me. To sabotage my relationship was bad enough, but to not even have the decency to tell me herself? To entrust someone else to share the news? Especially someone who, up until recently, I’d never expected to have in my life again.

Tears blurred my vision as I stomped through the cemetery. I couldn’t say whether they were tears of pain or rage. Perhaps it was some of both. But I knew the way. I’d chosen Mom’s final resting place myself, and my sure feet carried me directly to the spot.

Though I’d picked out the headstone, I hadn’t seen it in person. Seeing her name etched into the cold marble gutted me. In a way, it made it more real. The dates were carved deep into the stone, confirming to the world and to me that she was really and truly gone.

But even that pain couldn’t douse my rage. “How could you?” I spat out. “How could you lie to me, for all these years, and then let me find out this way?”

The graveyard was silent. Not even birdsong filtered through the cold winter air. No helpful flash of a familiar red to brighten up the bleak, gray stones or provide me with the answers I so desperately needed. One question echoed in my head, over and over: Why? Why didn’t she tell me? Why did she involve Nate? And most of all, why couldn’t she see how much pain she’d caused by breaking my heart in the first place?

I’d cried for months after that fight with Nate. The only saving grace was going back to Seattle and drowning myself in school. Apparently, I’d never learned a better way to channel my grief, as I’d done the exact same thing when she’d died.

“I was here, for months, tending to your every need. You had ample opportunity to tell me this yourself. But you didn’t. You couldn’t.“ I started shaking. “You’re a coward, Melody McAllister.”

As soon as the words left my mouth, I slapped my hand over it. I hadn’t meant to say that. And yet, I spoke truth. She’d said nothing the entire time I cared for her, and then she left Nate to do what she couldn’t and pick up the pieces. I dropped my hand, placing it over my heart as it broke all over again.

“I didn’t deserve to find out like this,” I whispered. “You should have told me. You should have—“ My voice choked off with a sob. I dashed an impatient hand across my tear-stained cheeks and spun away from the grave as I ran to the car. No. I would not break down. Not there, not then. She didn’t deserve my tears.

I grabbed my phone and sent an angry group text to Steven and Dad, including Rose for good measure. Somehow, I doubted my future sister-in-law had been involved in the conspiracy dinner. Rose wouldn’t have stood for such manipulation tactics, no matter how much she loved my brother. If I had hopes of an ally, my best bet was Rose.

Text sent, I put the car in gear and drove home, determined to discover for myself what was true. I no longer doubted Nate’s words, but I needed more. I deserved more than a secondhand message from my dead mother.

When I arrived, I went straight to the file box I’d found. Steven had said it was probably filled with old bills, but I hoped it would hold the answers I sought. Something to explain my mother’s actions. I was desperate for any clue that would help me understand why my mother had done that. After rolling up my sleeves, I lifted the lid off the box.

Inside were hanging files. Most were labeled for various bills: Mortgage, Electricity, and the like. But one was labeled Letters. I grabbed that one and opened it. Most of the letters were from my father, friends from a camp my mother attended as a child, or Christmas newsletters from family. There were even a few love notes from old boyfriends Mom would occasionally reminisce about but nothing that appeared recent.

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