Page 44 of When Cardinals Appear

“I’m not really a Valentine’s Day person.” I flipped through an old magazine I’d found when going through my desk drawers. “Besides, isn’t it for couples and singles? My plus-one is on the other side of the country.”

“It’s for anyone who wants to attend,” Rose replied with exasperation. “Come on. You have to go. You know it raises money for the fire department. Who cares what your relationship status is?”

“Ugh, this town has too many events!” I cried as I shut my eyes and mimed banging the back of my head against the wall.

“I heard Nate is going,” Rose said a little too innocently as she flipped a page in her magazine. Her eyes flicked briefly to mine.

I kept my face blank, picking up the magazine again and feigning interest in an article. “I’m trying to keep my distance.”

“Is that what you’re doing?”

Glowering at Rose, I climbed off my bed and tossed the magazine into the trash. At the rate we were going, I would still be packing when the new owners moved in. How had I accumulated so much stuff in my short lifetime?

“Have you talked to him since karaoke?”

“No, as that would defeat the entire purpose of keeping my distance.” I opened a drawer and pulled out a pile of papers, mostly old notebooks from my emo poetry phase. After shooting a quick glance over my shoulder, I paged through them, cringing at my angsty rhymes.

“Well, you shouldn’t let it fester. Half the town saw the sparks flying between you two, and I imagine they’ll be keeping a close watch on any interaction you may have at the dance.”

“Which is why I have no intention of going,” I retorted, debating what to do with the notebooks. Tear them up and save face, or save them for a laugh when I was back on the West Coast?

“Lanie,” Rose said, her tone gentle.

With a sigh, I turned and looked at her.

“You need to talk to him. Things are clearly not as over between you two as I thought.”

“As long as I’m with James, there can be nothing between Nate and me,” I insisted. At least, that was what I kept telling myself.

I ripped out the most cringeworthy poems and shredded them before tossing the rest of the notebooks into a box. Upon opening the next drawer, I found a heavy book.

“Ooh!” Rose squealed. “I love old yearbooks.” She waved her hands, gesturing for me to hand it to her. After I did, she flipped through the pages and skimmed the signatures, reading a few of particular interest aloud. “Oh my gosh! There’s one from Nate in here.”

I spun around. “Don’t read that!”

“‘Dear Lanie,’” Rose read, oblivious to my growing distress. “’I can’t believe we’re graduating soon. It’s going to be hard when you go off to college in a few months, but I know we are meant to be together. We’re strong, and we can survive the distance.’ Wow. It’s like a weird version of foreshadowing.”

“Please stop,” I whispered as I sank to the floor.

Rose closed the book and stood. “Hey, are you okay?”

I shook my head, willing myself not to cry. I knew that message by heart. While I was home caring for Mom, I’d found the yearbook and read the message over and over, desperately clinging to a happier time in my life. Even after our relationship’s disastrous ending, I had never loved anyone as much as I’d loved Nate.

And even back then, I’d probably known that what I’d felt for Nate had never gone away. There were times when I was home last spring when I would go into town to buy groceries or pick up a prescription, and out of the corner of my eye, I would catch a glimpse of dark hair. Each time, I turned, my heart fluttering in my chest. It was almost never him, and the few times we had met, our conversations were brief and brutal. All that time, I thought what I felt was dread. But what if it was hope?

“I’m afraid I’m still in love with him,” I murmured, not realizing I had spoken aloud.

“Oh, honey.” Rose knelt on the floor, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me close.

I raised my eyes to meet Rose’s. “I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you want to do?” Rose asked.

Leaning back against the bed, I sighed. “Part of me worries that I’m just setting us both up for heartbreak again.” I rolled my head to look at her. “Even if I break things off with James, I still have that job in California waiting for me.”

“I’m sure we could find you a job here. There’s bound to be a teaching position at one of the schools.”

I kept the news about my interview to myself, mostly so I didn’t jinx it. But even if they offered me the position, it wasn’t so simple. I still had my promise to my mother hanging over my head. The idea of ending things with James and choosing to stay in Cedar Haven made my skin tight and itchy. Would she ever forgive me if I broke my word? Or would she find a new way to haunt me, one that was less peaceful than a small red bird?

---