Page 34 of When Cardinals Appear

I forced a smile and cleared my throat. “You said you wanted to show me something?”

“Oh yes, it was about that little cardinal on your porch.” She stood and stepped over to her small kitchen window, where a shelf was filled with books. “Ah, here it is.” After setting it on the table, she flipped through to a faded black-and-white photo of a bird. “Cardinals are said to be visitors from heaven.”

I leaned forward, staring at the page she pointed at. The cardinal in the photo looked exactly like my bird, though without its telltale red. Beneath the photo were stories, the stuff of old folklore and legends.

“As I said, your mother will never leave you.” Cassandra pointed at another line on the page. “‘Cardinals represent light during the darkest of nights, provide hope to the sorrowful, and are a source of warmth in winter’s cold embrace.’ Here, it says, ‘Red cardinals are a sign that a departed loved one is attempting to connect.’” She sat down in her chair, letting her words sink in.

I shook my head, not for one minute believing any of it. Cardinals were just birds, and their presence was noticeable only because they were a vibrant red.

“It’s just a coincidence,” I insisted, even while a small kernel of hope grew in my heart. “The only thing that bird wants to communicate is it’s past time to refill Mom’s old feeders.”

“If it were about food, the cardinal would have moved on long ago.” Cassandra sipped her tea, regarding me over the lip of the cup. “You said you’ve seen it regularly since you’ve been home.”

“Maybe it has a nest in our yard and doesn’t want to travel in the cold,” I argued. I wasn’t a religious person, and that just sounded like one of those things people told one another as a source of comfort, a way to ease the pain of losing someone they loved.

“You can choose not to believe.” She shrugged. “But I suspect that little bird has a purpose.”

Lifting the cup to my lips, I barely tasted the tea. My mind was running through logical arguments against what she was saying. No way would I believe Mom was trying to communicate with me from beyond the grave. And even if she was, the only message I was getting from the visits revolved around Nate, since they always seemed to occur right before I saw him.

“But she hated Nate!” I blurted out, then I covered my mouth with my hand.

Cassandra cocked an eyebrow as she wrapped her hands around her cup. “Perhaps she has a message for you about this Nate.” She pushed the plate of scones toward me. “Eat. You look pale.”

I automatically reached for another scone and took a bite, not fully registering what I was doing. I didn’t linger long in Cassandra’s house, my unease increasing the more time I spent there. While my imagination was more grounded as an adult, her otherworldly demeanor still unsettled me. After thanking her for the scones and tea, I went to my house to prepare for the day. All the while, I tried to push Cassandra’s crazy cardinal theory out of my mind.

It didn’t work. I thought back over the times I’d seen the cardinal. The first was when the car got a flat tire and Nate came to rescue me. Then it appeared again before that awkward lunch at Bea’s Diner when Nate told me about that job. It showed up a third time when he took me to drop off items for the fundraiser, and another visit happened right before he arrived to help with the move. And then I’d seen it that morning, so did that mean…?

I shook my head. I was being ridiculous. It was just a bird, not some messenger from the great beyond.

But then I thought back to what Steven had said the other night. He asked if Mom and I had really settled everything between us before she passed. I believed we had, at least as much as anyone could hope to. There would always be things I wished I’d said or done differently, but when she died, I felt we were on solid ground. Our relationship was never perfect, but I didn’t have any regrets.

As I pretended to pack up my room, I glimpsed a photo stuck in the mirror frame that I’d never had the heart to take down. Nate and I were in formal attire. It was just before prom. We looked like we’d been caught kissing, but really, my friends had staged it in a way to get a better view of the back of my dress and hair.

Pulling it off the mirror frame, I studied it. Nate’s eyes were looking at the camera, but mine were on him. His arms were wrapped tightly around me, and his smile was bright, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. I recalled my mother had stood nearby when this photo was taken. Even then, he stared at my mom with a wariness that broke my heart. But he’d told me they had made their peace. What did that mean? What did peace look like for Mom and Nate? And did it have something to do with why the cardinal visited me?

I put the picture back and pulled out my computer. James had sent the apartment information, and I decided it was as good a time as any to see what he’d found. When I clicked on the website, my stomach dropped. Just as I’d suspected, the cheapest apartment they offered was way more than I had planned to pay monthly. If I hadn’t already done my own research, I might have accepted that it was just the price of housing in LA. But I knew better. While the apartments I had bookmarked to check out when I got back to the West Coast had fewer amenities, they were affordable.

With a sigh, I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. Based on the number of exclamation points in James’s email, he was excited about the complex, but the math just didn’t add up. We could either rent that apartment or we could eat, but we couldn’t do both. I supposed I could get a part-time job, but that seemed unnecessary when I had already found several apartment options that would work instead, even if they didn’t have all the bells and whistles James raved about.

Maybe I should consider finding my own place. James and I had been together for years, and it made sense for us to take that next step and move in together. As I’d told Steven, he would likely propose once Mom’s estate was no longer hanging over my head. It might not even make sense for us to get separate apartments, knowing we would be moving in together once we were married.

I cringed at the thought. Marriage. We’d discussed it at length, of course, but it had always seemed like some abstract thing we would get to eventually. But with grad school behind us, James had brought it up more frequently than before I went home. Part of me wasn’t even sure I ever wanted to get married. It wasn’t like I’d had the greatest example. My parents’ divorce had been awful, but I reminded myself they were friends in the end.

But was it really marriage I was struggling with or a life with James? Did I even want to move to California? Sometimes, I wasn’t sure. Because of my promise to Mom, my plan had always been to live somewhere other than Cedar Haven, and when the school in California offered me a position, it made the most sense.

I could stay in Cedar Haven, though I winced at the thought. The idea of breaking the promise to my mother hurt my very soul. And yet, there was a job there, still doing what I loved. Okay, sure, it would be significantly less money than I would make in California, but I could bunk with my dad for a while until I got settled.

Could I live in Cedar Haven with all the painful memories? Nate’s question echoed in my head. They’re not all bad memories, right? And he was correct. Over the past few days, I’d been reminded of happier times by going out with Rose and my friends then hanging out with Steven and reminiscing about our childhood. Even driving with Nate was a sweet echo of a time I wouldn’t want to forget.

After navigating to the local middle school’s web page, I found the job posting for Mrs. Carlisle’s position. When I finished reading it over, I knew I was a perfect fit. My stomach knotted as I filled out the application, convinced my mother’s ghost was about to pop out from some dark corner of the room to scold me for breaking my promise. But I reasoned that Mom also had always encouraged me to keep my options open. What better way to do that than to apply for the position? It couldn’t hurt, and we miss one hundred percent of the chances we don’t take, right?

Hours later, I drove to the school with a folder containing my résumé, transcripts, and letters of recommendation. Soon after I submitted the application, someone from the school called and asked me to interview. Well, I’d already gotten my feet wet, and my life didn’t feel like mine anymore. Between James’s decision to find us a home without my input, being stalked by a bird, and my confusion over Nate, I needed to take control of something in my life. Applying for the job was my way of doing just that. Besides, an interview didn’t mean I would accept. It wouldn’t stop me from going to California as planned. But it might provide an alternative to the life I thought I wanted.

What I didn’t know was what my choice would mean for James and me. I loved him, or at least, I thought I did, but the apartment episode had made me realize that I hadn’t been happy with him for a while. And his latest decision could have a huge impact on my life, at least financially. I promised myself I would talk to him about the situation before I made any rash decisions. One interview wasn’t enough for me to upend all my plans, and besides, there was always a chance they would turn me down.

As I pulled into the parking lot of the school, I breathed easier at the sight of clear, dry pavement. The last thing I needed was to slide on black ice, face-first into a snowbank, when I wanted to make a good impression. Squaring my shoulders, I marched to the front of the building and rang the bell, ready for whatever future the decision might bring.

After the interview, I stopped by the grocery store to find something for dinner. It’d been ages since I last cooked. I gathered some basic ingredients while I decided what I wanted to make. When I rounded the corner after grabbing a pint of ice cream, I had to swerve to avoid a person striding toward me. A flash of dark hair caught my eye, and I turned. Nate’s eyes widened as they met mine.

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