Page 31 of When Cardinals Appear

Torn between wanting some distance and not wanting to offend him, I suppressed a sigh as I grabbed a sheet of newspaper and wrapped another item. I couldn’t deny the packing was more efficient with two pairs of hands, and before I knew it, we were finished. Without speaking, we moved over to the bed, lifted the mattress, rested it against the wall, and followed up with the box spring. Then I watched as Nate knelt at the frame and unscrewed the bars.

His hands moved deftly as he worked, reminding me of how they felt on my shoulder. The spark that ripped through my body confused and thrilled me. But I didn’t understand why I was having all those feelings whenever he was around. I’ve heard that old saying that people never forgot their first love, but it felt like more than just never forgetting him. The connection went much deeper, almost as if old feelings I had buried deep within for years were reawakening.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Nate’s voice broke through my reverie, and I jumped. Not trusting myself to speak, I forced a smile and shook my head, hoping to hide the guilt churning in my stomach.

“I saw Mrs. Carlisle again,” Nate said, his eyes flicking to mine briefly. “They’re having a hard time finding a teacher to replace her.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said flatly. All the warmth from a moment ago evaporated. I stood and walked over to the mattress before picking up one end. “We should get this downstairs.”

A shadow passed briefly over Nate’s face, but he nodded and went to the other side.

“After you,” he said brusquely, causing my heart to sink a little. I didn’t mean to blow him off, but I really wasn’t in the mood for another conversation about staying there.

We carried the mattress, box spring, and bed frame downstairs to the space Steven had left for it. Then I ran upstairs to pack more items and get away from Nate. Whatever old feelings I was having weren’t enough to keep me there, so there was no point in even entertaining them.

Hours later, I finally finished packing the last of my mother’s knickknacks and headed downstairs to check on their progress. The couch was the only furniture remaining, as we had plans to donate it, but everything else was gone. They’d set up Mom’s bed on the opposite side of the living room from the couch, right under the spot where the TV used to be. Steven and Nate must have removed it from the wall while I was upstairs.

I moved into the kitchen, looking for the guys and Steven. Voices floated into the room, and I stepped to the kitchen window. Nate and Steven were talking out on the back porch, and a slight feeling of déjà vu came over me as they stood by the railing where the cardinal had visited earlier that morning. While I couldn’t make out what they were saying, I had a distinct feeling it had to do with me. Especially when Nate lowered his head, his expression pained.

Doesn’t he see how hurt Nate is? My heart ached for him. Maybe I should have just eaten the costs of movers and not put Nate and myself through it all. Spending time together was bound to stir up the past, which wasn’t healthy. We needed to move forward.

Before anyone caught me staring, I headed upstairs to make sure we hadn’t missed anything. Seeing the house so bare caused a pang in my chest. That was my childhood home; I’d grown up within those walls. I walked to my room. How many times had I taken solace in that sanctuary? How many tears had I poured into those pillows? How many laughs had echoed across the ceiling? A choked sob escaped my lips as tears sprang to my eyes.

“Lanie?” A voice came from behind me in the darkened hall. I quickly wiped away my tears and turned.

“Lanie, the guys are—“ Steven stopped short. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I replied quickly. “The guys are what?”

“Heading out,” Steven said, his eyes searching my face. “I can tell them goodbye for you.”

“No, I’ll be right down.” I ducked into the bathroom, leaving Steven staring after me. With the door closed, I leaned heavily against it, taking deep breaths. I went to the sink and splashed cold water on my face, patting my eyes to help clear the red splotches. When I had hidden all traces of my grief, I sucked in one more deep breath and descended the stairs.

The guys were all suited up to head out into the cold winter air. I pasted a warm smile on my face as I looked them over. When my eyes met Nate’s, he frowned, and my smile faltered. He always could read my emotions like the back of his hand.

“Thank you all so much for helping us get the house ready,” I said, relieved that my voice sounded steady. Steven came over and threw his arm around me. “We appreciate everything you did today.”

“It was nice to get out of the shop!” Jeff declared.

“Certainly smelled better,” Sam joked.

“Well, maybe if you bathed more often, that wouldn’t be a problem.” Rob playfully smacked Sam on the back.

Not to be outdone, Sam turned and pulled Rob into a headlock while rubbing his fist on Rob’s head. Rob hollered and struggled to pull away, and when Sam released him, he staggered back a few steps as he tried to smooth his hair. The rest of the guys laughed at the roughhousing, except for Nate. His eyes never left my face.

My phone rang, catching everyone’s attention. I looked at it then up at Steven. “It’s James. I’m sorry. I need to take this.”

“Come on, Nate.” Jeff put a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s go grab a drink at The Point.”

Nate started to protest, but something in Jeff’s demeanor made him stop. His eyes met mine, and a dark cloud passed over his face before he followed the guys out the door.

I turned away and answered the phone.

“Lanie!” James’s voice rang out. “I’m so glad I caught you. I feel like we’ve been playing phone tag for days. How are you?”

“I’m okay. The time zones are throwing me for a loop,” I said. It was partially true, and James’s preference for going to bed early certainly didn’t help things.

“I get that,” he said, his voice filled with sympathy. “Listen, I know you’ve got a lot going on, but I wanted to tell you I found the perfect apartment.”

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