Page 26 of When Cardinals Appear

“The school would like to hire my replacement before I leave.” Mrs. Carlisle’s kind smile only increased the nausea building within me. “I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but I’m retiring at the end of the year. Are you staying in Cedar Haven? If so, you should think about applying. I think you’d be a perfect fit.”

I gulped, trying to suppress the panic rising in my chest. Nate refused to meet my gaze. Awesome. Yet another sore subject between us, though I couldn’t understand why he cared whether I stayed. I thought he’d accepted my reasoning at lunch the other day. Apparently not.

“I’m actually not staying,” I squeaked. Ugh. Get a grip. I cleared my throat. “I have a job waiting for me in California.”

“Ah,” Mrs. Carlisle said, her face falling “Congratulations on the position. We’ll be sad to see you go, but I understand.” She forced a smile. “It was lovely to see you both.” After giving my shoulder a brief pat, she turned and walked away.

“I know you have a job waiting,” Nate said, his tone clipped. “But an interview wouldn’t kill you.”

“What’s the point when I’ve already accepted another position?” I demanded with my hands on my hips. But my heart flip-flopped in my chest. I didn’t want to have that conversation, well... ever, but especially not there, not in that room.

Nate finally looked at me, and his warring emotions were clear on his face. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them, they were calmer, though something still raged behind them.

“It’s none of my business, of course,” he began. “I just think you could do so much more here for kids who don’t have the same opportunities as the ones at the school in LA.”

I turned away and resisted the urge to rub my temples. He sounded like Dad, and it took a great deal of effort not to rail at him as I had my father the other night. Besides, as tired as I was of the argument, it wouldn’t be fair to take my aggravation out on Nate. He wasn’t aware of the unfair pressure my father was putting on me.

“I’m sorry,” Nate said when I didn’t respond. “It’s not my place.”

“It’s okay.” I sighed. “You’re not the first person to make this argument. You probably won’t be the last.” I gave him a weak smile. “Are you ready to go?”

A shadow passed over Nate’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. Without a word, he nodded and offered his arm again, and we walked out of the school together. I reflected on the last time we’d left the school arm in arm like that. It was just after graduation, and I thought the world lay at our feet. I’d been so naïve. And though it had been years since our breakup, I couldn’t ignore the overwhelming sense of loss that came over me as we crossed the parking lot.

“Are you okay?” he asked when we reached his car. The concern in his eyes caught me off guard. Again, I wondered why he cared.

“Just… thinking.”

“It’s weird, being back here.” Nate stared behind us at the school.

“That’s one way of putting it,” I murmured. My heart ached, and all I wanted to do was return home and lick the wounds that had reopened after spending time with Nate. He might have said the words, but I knew that my decision to leave him for college had been the catalyst for our breakup. I was a fool to think we would make it. My mother was right. A sharp pain, like a knife, twisted in my gut.

He looked at me sharply. My face must have betrayed my thoughts because he rounded the car and tentatively wrapped his arms around me. The movement felt wrong and right all at the same time. Without thinking, I slid my arms around his waist, and he tightened his hold. He smelled the same, a mixture of Old Spice and Ivory soap.

“I’m sorry, Nate,” I choked out, unsure whether he would understand my apology or where my memories had ended up.

“It’s not your fault,” he assured me, his hand stroking my hair.

I pulled back to see his face. “How can you say that? I’m the one who broke us.”

As Nate shook his head, his eyes betrayed an emotion I couldn’t place. I frowned and leaned closer. When he dropped his gaze, it hit me. He was hiding something.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

I reached up and held his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me. “Tell me.”

“It’s nothing. Just forget it.”

“Does this have to do with my mother?”

“Lanie.” He said my name like a caress, his voice pleading. “Please, just let it go.”

I held his face for a moment longer, ignoring the warmth coursing through my hands. When I released him, he sighed, whether in relief that I’d dropped it or because he felt that same warmth, I didn’t know. I was also afraid to find out.

“Fine, I’ll drop it... for now,” I said, glaring up at him. And I meant it. Sooner or later, I would make him tell me whatever he was hiding, especially if it had to do with my mom.

He stepped back from me and opened the door. With one last glare in his direction, I climbed into the passenger seat, and he drove me home.

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