Page 68 of Duchess Material

“I still want to die.”

“You don’t actually want to die.”

She didn’t.

Lucy sat up and shook her head. “Winston, I don’t want to go back to work. I’m dying here. It’s not Nat or the job, really. I love that. Tomorrow, though, the gates open.”

“The gates?” Winston was confused.

“Tomorrow, I am set to go through the start of egg-freezing cycle number two, Tony.”

“Okay, so, why…”

“Because I cannot wait around much longer and feel secure it’s going to happen. I want it to happen someday.”

“You’d still do it on your own?”

Lucy shrugged.

Winston could not wrap his head around volunteering to have children as a single woman with no help. The world was cruel to single mums. Of course, with Lucy’s career trajectory, she could soon afford to hire a nanny and do everything on her own terms. She was so strange. Winston wouldn’t have wanted to raise a child on his own.

“I couldn’t imagine. I just… I could not be a single parent by choice.”

“I figure if having two parents fucked me up, maybe one isn’t so bad? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. I only know what my here-and-now is. The reality is my ex dumped me after promising to propose to me. He is now marrying a man and having a baby via surrogate. Not that I don’t love you, Winston. I do. However, nothing is promised. At least if I have eggs on ice, I’m in control.”

“Control in life is an illusion, Lucy.”

“Okay, but why do you care?”

“Because I love you.”

Lucy shook her head. “You don’t get it. Should I hope you choose me and gift me this thing? Winston, you love me now but… give it five years.”

“Lucy, where is this coming from?”

Her mood shifted from normal to down at the drop of the hat. “Where are we going, Winston? And tell me truthfully… not that all of me will believe you.”

Winston tilted his head and sat next to her. “I think we’re in a serious relationship. Maybe down the road, we’ll get married? Maybe we’ll have kids.”

“But we don’t know. That’s my point.”

“I want that, Luce. If you asked me tomorrow, I’d say yes. You complete my life in an unexpected way. You are my partner. I don’t want to lose you. Maybe you don’t feel it, but—”

Lucy kissed Winston impulsively. Did she believe him? Did she want him to shut up? Winston pulled back, confused.

“What?” Lucy asked.

“What? What? Lucy, you jumped on me after claiming this wouldn’t work. What is going on up there? Are you alright?”

She rubbed her temples. “I’m a mess. I’m doing this thing where I’m trying to sabotage things for us. I shouldn’t. You are so wonderful. Too good to be true. And that’s why I do it.”

Winston shook her shoulders playfully and laughed. “Well fucking stop, Luce!”

She giggled and playfully smacked him.

“I love you,” Winston assured. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. Like I said, I am hopeless. I would march down to the guildhall right now and not look back, Lucy.”

“You’re crazy, Tony.”

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