Page 64 of Duchess Material

Lucy was quiet. She thought through her words. “No. The sex wasn’t a lie. I did love you. I know you loved me—and this is proof you were invested and still are probably too invested. You were never cruel to me. However, you always wanted this perfect version of me. I cultivated it because I loved you and wanted acceptance. Yes, I am clever and put together, but I’m also messy deep down. My family is a fucking embarrassment—a disaster. Winston loves me despite it. He adores me despite it. He lets me be me and I don’t fear retribution.”

“Oh, yes, I was the uppity, judgemental prick!”

“Stop putting words in my mouth! Stop it! You said yourself Patrick gives you that! You can just be. You are flourishing. You have absolutely everything we ever wanted together—everything I have ever wanted. You have the partner. You have a kid. You’re going to welcome more. Do you know how much it hurts to see you do that with someone else? It’s fucking miserable. It’s humbling. You left me wondering if I was worthy of such love. I’m still considering freezing my eggs. I don’t want your indecision to cost me happiness. You’ve given me a complex across the board.”

“Lucy, I am sorry you feel that way, but people move on. They live different lives.”

“Yes, but I can’t live mine! You know what I would like? To feel desirable rather than to worry about f I am good enough. Every time Winston is in sight of my vulva, I worry it’s repulsive—that it broke you or repels men—”

“It isn’t… wasn’t… that’s stupid, Lucy—”

Lucy cut him off. “Yes, but you don’t have to worry about your genitals repelling people or your body not being good enough or any of the above. You don’t have to question if your pussy is like fucking Medusa turning men to stone.”

“I don’t think your pussy is capable of turning men to stone.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know because you cast me aside fast without any explanation. How could I be enough? How would you have felt if I left you for a woman?”

George sat there a moment. He was considering this for the first time.

“I’d be upset, I guess? You were beautiful. I used to crave you. Then, I didn’t. Things changed. I was in love with Patrick. It went on too long. You’re right. I could have felt as strongly about another woman, and it would have—”

“It would have been different because of internalised misogyny and homophobia and all.”

He nodded. “I loved you, Lucy. You were a fun lay which is why I am most bothered by overhearing you.”

“I am mortified. I can’t look anyone in the eye.”

“It’s okay, Winston’s mother told me off for mentioning and then pointed out my mother is loud, so—”

“Oh. My. God.”

“Yeaaaaah,” George grumbled. “I loved you, Lucy. I should have done better by you when I left. Perhaps, it is why I am also acting out a bit? I don’t like the idea of you with Winston. Maybe part of it is because I sense you’re a better pair?”

“I deserve love and happiness, too.”

“I know you do. You are the best type of person. You are more than I have ever deserved. You are saintly with Charlotte, as Pat keeps reminding me. He thinks you are every bit class and grace. I can’t disagree.”

“I love him for you. I figure if you are going to end up with someone, they ought to have been worth the nonsense. He is. Even if it hurts to see him get what I wanted, I wish you the best. Honestly, it’s never been about Patrick. It’s been about feeling life has been wasted with us here and I’ve lost out—”

“Lucy, you’re young. Winston has been in love with you for years. The two of you are aggressively cute together. It makes my stomach turn. If I wasn’t bothered by it, you should worry. You needn’t worry. Any man would be lucky to have you. I certainly was.”

“I struggle to take the good memories now.”

“I don’t.” George shrugged. “You and I have had a lot of good times in this very room. I have so many happy memories with you. You made me into a better person. You nurtured me. You gave me the strength to believe I could be myself. In a way, I needed to grow with you to be brave enough to be the real me. I will be forever indebted and grateful to you, Lucy. I mean it.”

“I guess we needed to lose one another to grow up a bit. I guess we were only a stop on the ride of life?”

“A great one. God, we went through so much together. Don’t ever think I regretted it. I only regretted I hurt you in the end. I’m not ashamed of you. Ask Patrick. He thinks you made me a much better person. He appreciates you.”

“How?”

“Gay men… they don’t get offended by such things, I guess?” George winced. “I’m terrible at it. He says it’s a straight problem. The world is different when the pool is small, secrets are big, and life is just… out of the ordinary.”

“Okay but like… that’s always been your life.”

“Not the same. Part of me may always wonder if I could have spared myself the hassle and we could have been happy.”

“Nah,” Lucy said definitively. “I look at the two of you and think now it was always Patrick. Maybe you did need to lose him to come back and realise it? Maybe we did improve one another? I guess we did. And while I didn’t see it, I love Winston. He is everything I would have asked for in a partner. It’s weird. The two of you are alike in some key ways and different in others.”

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