Page 56 of The English Queen

Beth sat through an hour-long explanation of the fuckery that was Belgium’s political nightmare. She could have taken one sentence. “It’s all fucked” would have sufficed. It made her sleepy. She preferred gossip to politics. This was a run-of-the-mill sex scandal from what she could glean. Louis’s non-linear departure into parenting confused her. Then again, Louis’s brain was different.

“What, darling?” Beth scoffed. “I mean, I should hope not.”

“Well, I am sure we were both hit growing up. I don’t want to hit them. I have bad memories of it. I’m not being articulate but… I don’t want to hit them. If they are sensitive nerds like us who care more for art and literature, well, we won’t tease them.”

Beth was appalled. “No one ever hit me. My parents would never have put hands on me. I can’t speak for my brothers, but my father is a gentle soul. He can put the fire of God into you, but he never so much as threatened a swat. Who hit you?”

Louis looked genuinely confused by her reaction.

“Who hit you, Louis?” Beth said, concerned.

“My parents, obviously. Your parents didn’t hit you?”

“No, baby. No one hit me. If someone had hit me, my father would have hit them even harder.”

“I am glad your parents did not hit you.”

“Why would they hit you?”

“Well, I’m older than you—”

“So is Robbie but I am certain Pa and Mummy never hit him. They weren’t like that. Mummy could be a guilt-tripping pain in the arse, but she wasn’t physically abusive.”

“My father did not like when I would cry. He’d usually respond by spanking me when I was younger and or pushing me around when I was older. He said he needed to toughen me up. At the time, I thought it was boyhood in a nutshell—being bullied by someone bigger and wiser than you. Now, I don’t think I would have done that in his shoes. It was not good for me. My mother would grab me by the collar and shout at me for crying—tell me to act like a man and the king doesn’t cry. All of that shit. It was toxic. But… yeah… I want better for our kids, okay?”

“Me, too,” Beth said. “I’m sorry that happened—”

“Don’t pity me, I’m fine.”

“You are clearly not fine and that’s not your fault. That’s the fault of grownups who didn’t do their job,” Beth said, lovingly. “I don’t pity you. I just… I am sorry people hurt you.”

Louis nodded.

“What brought this out?”

“Your Mum was browbeating Robbie about little Paul. She seems to think he isn’t being aggressive enough and he cries too much. She actually blamed Vanora for breastfeeding him too long.”

“Mother could blame Vanora for the rain, the snow, literally anything. I warned you.”

“I know, but I thought it was especially cruel. And I relate to Paul. I was the big, sweet little kid who wanted to read a book in peace and cried when a stranger’s dog died. But apparently, I wasn’t okay. I think your brother and Vanna are doing a good job, for what it is worth. All kids have their challenges, I guess, but… Paul is sweet. I would hate to see anyone treat one of our kids in a way they felt unworthy because… well, I don’t know…”

“They had emotions? Well, you won’t get the soft, emotional side from Mum. Most of the rearing was done by Papa. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate my Mum’s ferocity. She’s a woman in a man’s world swimming upstream. But… she tended to be hard on the boys for not being equally fierce. Dad… Dad wanted us to be compassionate and to be honest. He raised us to be those things.”

“But you are not emotional in public. Almost never.”

“Well, I’m not. I’m a girl. Believe it or not, I can’t get away with it and be seen as rational. And if I dare kissed you in public, riots! So, I know better. The boys can get away with more. Robbie can be downright emotional at times. He’s always in trouble for being too handsy with Vanna. He still hasn’t learned. I doubt he will.”

Louis chuckled.

“We were still the children of a monarch. Emotions in public weren’t done. I was still known to curl up on the couch and sob. And not just to Dad. To Mum, too. I was the baby. I could get away with that in a way the boys could not. The day I found out she had cancer, I literally slept with a pillow in her lap after crying for hours and hours,” Beth said. “And she didn’t chide me for it. She held me. Papa held me while she was in surgery. Openly, I’ve never been a wreck. In private, I can be under the right circumstances. You know this, Louis.”

He nodded. “It is okay to have emotions.”

“You and I both know, though—”

“But our children should feel safe at home–as we feel safe to… share. I don’t have to hide things from you, Beth. I guess I didn’t realise how much it means to me.”

“You shouldn’t hide yourself from me, no. I love all of you. I prefer you do feel things. I couldn’t live with someone who didn’t. Life would be so fake.”

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