Page 3 of The Loathing

“Are you hungry, huh? Let’s go get you a bottle from the refrigerator,” her little sobs make her body shudder softly. I place a kiss on the top of her full head of black hair. She was a mirror image of her mother to look at, but she had my skin tone and light green eyes. My mom was Swedish who moved over to America with her family where she then met my father who was vacationing from Jamaica, they fell in love in the six weeks he was here and he never left to go back home. And the result? Me, who was the perfect mix of the both of them, their perfect bundle of love. That’s the sort of love story I wanted growing up, my mom always used to tell me about their whirlwind love story and how their parents didn’t agree with their relationship, but they didn’t care. They were so hopelessly in love that they didn’t care what anyone thought. It was them against the world.

They were a tragic love story from the start. My father was from a wealthy family, my mother from a not so wealthy family. My father was cut off immediately. They struggled, but they survived. They got on with it and most of all, they were happy. They didn’t have a lot, but what they did have was love and that outweighed the negatives in their lives.

The whole world is materialistic, but love, what is more powerful than love?

My mom died first, my dad died a week after her and the doctor told me that he died of a broken heart. I was all alone.

“Here we go little lady,” I smile, taking her bottle and pressing the nipple into her mouth as she suckled hard, gulping down the milk.

“Slow down,” I laugh, “you’ll fill your little belly full of gas.”

Her little, chubby hands clasped over mine and I felt my heartbeat sing under my skin. There was no greater love than your child.

Once she was fed, I sat on the couch and gripped her cheeks softly as I steadied her little wobble as I burped her softly. Satisfied that she had bought her gas up, I placed her against my chest and climbed the stairs to go and hunt for Sharon. I heard a rumble come from Arizona’s diaper and I chuckled.

“Okay, lets change you first my little stinker before we go and ruin your mom’s zen with your dirty diaper.”

I nuzzle into her, inhaling her scent. Floating past the bathroom, I turn the corner into her nursery and lay her down on her changing mat.

“Once Mommy is done, I’ll bathe you and get you all cleaned for bed, how about that?” I talk to her and she babbles away as I pop the buttons to her romper and reach for the baby wipes. “And, maybe tomorrow,” I smile as she wriggles, waving her little arms around, her legs kicking. “We can go to the park, see the ducks? How about that?”

Wiping her clean, I dispose of the dirty diaper and get her dressed back in her soft pink romper. Gently picking her up, I snuggle her into my chest as I knock on the bathroom door softly “Mommy, guess who is awake and excited to see you,” I hum through the door as I slowly slip it open only to find the bathroom completely empty.

My blood drains my face, my heart racing in my chest as I scan the room, frantic. My eyes dart back and forth.

“Sharon!?” I call out and I can feel Arizona squirming in my arms as she picks up on my emotions. Rushing from the bathroom, I run into our bedroom to see it empty. I lay Arizona in the middle of our bed, “Stay there, baby,” I coo, stepping away and pulling the closet door open to see her side completely empty. “She’s left us,” I can barely get the words out as I choke on my own breath, the air whooshing from my lungs as I gasp, and I hear Arizona’s piercing cries fill the room.

I can’t move, my back against the wall as I slide down it and drop my head into my hands as her screams get louder and all I can do is overthink of what may or may not have happened.

Drying myself off, I slip from my thoughts, and I float across to the large sink unit, squeezing toothpaste onto my brush as I stare at myself in the mirror, brushing my teeth. My spare hand rubs over my unruly hair, I need it cut. Dragging my hand down the side of my face and over the stubble. I look like shit. My eyes hollow and dull. My sleep schedule has been fucked the last couple of weeks as I’ve been working with Xavier fucking Archibald.

We’re in completely different countries and time zones. He is in England, me in New York. He is five hours ahead of me, and he always wants to call at six in the morning, his time which is two a.m. my time. It doesn’t matter how much I ask him to just push it back a couple of hours, he never does and seeing as he is technically my boss whilst I am on this case, I can hardly argue with the man. To be honest, I would be too scared to argue with him. He would put a bullet in my head. No hesitation and I can’t risk that. I can’t risk Arizona losing another parent. But I do find some peace in knowing that she would have three uncles and Connie, well, more like four uncles and two aunties now Killian seems that have floated into our group. He is a decent guy, took us a little while to warm up to him, but we got there eventually. My mind flits back to when Sharon left us and my heart sinks.

“She’s left us,” I choke out pained sobs down the phone to Kaleb.

“Slow down; who? Who’s left you?” the rasp in his voice evident.

“Sharon, she’s gone,” I struggle to get the words out, as if I am being choked.

“We will be there in five,” he cuts the phone off, but I still cling to it as if it’s my lifeline.

Arizona was still screaming, it felt like it had been hours when in reality it had been around ten minutes. I felt awful just letting her scream, but I was struggling to lift myself from the floor.

I hear the front door slam, the sound of heavy footsteps pounding up the stairs when I see Kaleb first. His eyes widen as they lock on mine, before moving to Arizona. He rushes over, scooping her up and holding her up right against his chest as she goes rigid and screams, her little fists balled.

“Come on pal,” Keaton slips in, hooking his arm under mine and pulling me to my feet. “Fucking hell, you weigh a ton,” Keaton groans, as I find my feet.

“Keaton,” Nate quips as Kaleb walks out of the room with Arizona who has settled but is still letting out the odd soft sob.

“What?” he snapped, as he sits me on the edge of the bed like some fragile, broken, man. But that’s just what I am.

I am a fragile, broken, man.

The love story that I have been living in has been completely shattered and pulled from under my feet. The love that I only ever dreamed of was no more. I begin trembling, my whole body vibrating as shock finally sets in.

Nate drops down in front of me, his fingers locked together but his head falls forward, dipping.

“She left me,” I sob, my eyes glazing over as I try to hold off the tears but it’s useless. As soon as I try and stop them, they fall.

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