Page 36 of Saffron and Secrets

I grip the pregnancy stick in one hand and the other touches my lower stomach. The bloating and intense senses could be my incoming period, but nausea—no, that's something else.

I haven’t told this to John because I want to know for certain. So, I brought the test from the pharmacy, and now my future will be determined by what I read in…two minutes.

Oh God!

Two minutes.

Yes, we’re dating, but we don’t live together. We spend Saturday night and Sunday together. Therefore, neither of us is ready for a baby, but I guess is anyone ever ready? You’ll never have enough time, or enough money, but you’ll have enough love for the baby and that’s all they need. I could give love and so could John. It’s clear enough—his adoration, kindness, and passion toward me. He’d be a devoted dad, but it’s only been just over a month, and now…this? This could change our world forever. For better or for worse.

What will it mean for my job? I still enjoy working, and I don’t see myself giving it up. But if I’m pregnant, that would mean either I pause my career, or the baby goes to day-care while I work.

John’s started drafting his app concept called Safe Host. He’s been working so hard on it, taking all his days and even the nights, but I can’t complain when I stare into his eyes and there is a newfound spark in him. How will a baby affect that? Rushing to the toilet, I drop to my knees and grip the lid. Vomit threatens to expel, but after a few deep, controlled breaths, I swallow the bile that threatens to spill. This is all too much to think about, but I can’t run away. I’m not a coward. I can be scared and nervous, but I can do this. I can do anything, and I need to remember that.

I stand up and check the time.

One minute…

The pacing begins again, and my breath is rapidly increasing, and suddenly I’m becoming dizzy. I stop pacing and lower the test on the sink and step back, staring at myself in the mirror. I’m pale with sweat beads forming. I wash my face with cold water, wanting to calm down my quivering body.

It’s time.

I hold my breath and step over to where it sits on the sink.

It’s positive.

I crouch down to the floor and let the tears fall. I cannot stop them, and I won’t. I need them all out before I speak to John.

When I stop crying, I pick myself up off the floor and have a shower. I want to feel fresh and ready to tell my boyfriend I’m pregnant. And even the thought I’m pregnant after we’ve only been together for a month makes tears fall again. This is too soon.

Standing under the steam, I tip my head back and enjoy the warm water on my face. I stay under until the water runs cold and I’m numb.

After the shower, I text John. I want it off my chest and into the open as soon as possible. The best part of our relationship is the honesty we share, and I’m not breaking that now.

He’s the best thing to happen, and I was certain we were on a path leading to a future together. Will this change anything? Will he run away?

Ruby: Can you come over?

John: Yeah, why? Is everything okay?

Ruby: I’ll explain when you come. See you soon. x

When the knock on the door comes, I feel like my heartbeat is in my throat and I don’t know if I’m sick with nerves or I’m about to vomit from the morning sickness. Briefly closing my eyes, I suck in a deep breath and expel it before opening the door.

I try to smile, but it doesn’t feel natural. Usually, he’s the best part of my day and I smile whenever he’s around. But I’m too emotional, and I want this conversation over so I can deal with whatever the next step is. It’s hard to do the most basic things when your mind keeps replaying the practiced conversations of how this will play out. But thankfully, he doesn’t notice. He steps inside and kisses me. I sigh into his lips. When he pulls away, I close the door and follow him into the kitchen.

He sits on a stool and asks, “What’s up?”

I gaze up into his eyes, and the concern in them is too much, so I look down at the counter. Talking to it rather than him seems a better option, but his eyes make me feel too much and I’m trying to hold back. “Did you want a drink?”

“No, thanks. I want to know what's wrong,” he says, and the concern in his voice causes the back of my eyes to sting. And a fresh new set of tears sits on my lashes. Who would have thought I could cry this much?

“I…Ah…We—” I swallow the lump in my throat and say in a rush, “We’re having a baby.”

His eyes are wide, and the shock is evident on his face.

“What? That’s not what I was expecting.”

“What did you think?”

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