Page 42 of Calculated Chaos

My chest tightens as his words hit a spot deep inside me. “Damn. That’s really true.”

“It’s not bad, Holl.”

“No, it’s not bad. It explains a lot, actually.”

“Right.”

“I wonder if…” My words trail off as a new thought comes to me. “Maybe not knowing is why my sex life has been so… uninspired. Remember that girl Melanie I dated for a month back, damn, I think it was, like, five or six years ago.”

“I do.”

“She wanted me to spank her all the time during sex, but I didn’t want to. I hated doing it. She told me I was too vanilla when she called things off.” I huff a laugh. “Bet she wouldn’t think so if she’d seen me last night.”

Axel chuckles. “Life is a discovery. So is sex. How do we know what we like or don’t like until we’re exposed to it?”

“That makes sense, but until last week, the idea of anyone spanking me, much less you, never crossed my mind.”

He turns to the stove to pour the first pancakes, and my eyes move down his body from the broad shoulders and toned back to his ass, the top of which is revealed in his slouchy sweatpants. I’ve always been aware of how good-looking he is, I’d have to be blind not to be, but I’m seeing him in a new light. He’s not just good-looking, he’s fucking hot, and I want to… I choke on my spit as that thought grips my head.

“What’s wrong?” Axel asks.

“Nothing.” Just that I want to crawl off this stool, sit at your feet, and choke on your dick. No big deal.

“You sure?”

I nod, sipping my coffee as a distraction. “Sara about passed out when I told her I wasn’t coming in today.”

Axel chuckles, glancing over his shoulder. “I bet.”

We’re both quiet as Axel focuses on the pancakes and I think about all the possibilities in front of me if I decide not to hold myself back anymore.

I watch him as he slathers two pancakes with sweetened cream cheese and strawberry puree. He slides a plate in front of me, smiling big.

“Eat up.”

I dig in, my thoughts still swirling, until a coherent sentence finally forms. “What would we do if I gave you free rein?”

Axel’s eyes go wide as he chews his bite. “Are you sure you want to do that?”

“It’s worked out well so far.”

“Shit, Holl. There’s a million things I want to do with you. Even more now.”

I cut into a pancake, shifting my gaze up to his gorgeous face. “Tell me some of them.”

“Fuck. Hold on.” He taps his fingers on the island, staring at me. “Would you get a tattoo with me?”

A shiver runs down my back, but I nod. “What of?”

“I don’t know. Something that means something to us both. Something we can see whenever we need to be grounded again.”

“Yes.” My whole body heats as soon as the word leaves my mouth. “I’ll do it.”

“Because you want to? Or are you just pushing your limits?”

“Ax…” I exhale slowly, setting my fork down. “Where do I start? I realized this morning I can’t go back to straight and steady, boring Hollister. I put myself in a cage, trying so hard to walk the path my dad wanted me to, hoping someday he would recognize me and appreciate me.”

Axel nods, reaching for my hand and squeezing it.

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