Page 4 of Calculated Chaos

I fix him with a hard look and he exhales, slumping in his chair.

“Ugh. You’re right. When did this happen to me?”

“Slowly. It sneaks up when you’re too busy or tired to notice.”

Hollister nods, sipping his wine, then staring at the remaining crimson liquid as he swirls it in his glass. Silence lingers between us for several minutes while the cacophony of sounds around us plays out. I know Hollister though, almost better than I know myself, and I know he’s looking back on his choices.

Our server comes and I pay the astronomical bill. I still think about how different life was growing up, where budget was king, whenever I toss down the black credit card or rain cash on a hard-working server. We’ll probably have to hit up a food truck or a taco joint later. This was an experience, but not a filling one. Still, at least he liked it. I’d know if he was just saying shit to please me. All that matters is that Hollister has a great weekend.

“Fuck,” Hollister finally mutters, blowing out a long breath. “Talk about tunnel vision. I don’t even like my dad, and I’m morphing into him.”

“No.” I grab his hand where it’s resting on the table between us. “You’re not like him in any way that counts, you’ve just lost your way a little bit. But, dude, you know you’re not like him.”

“I’m divorced.”

“Once. I’m divorced too. Shit happens. That’s not a reflection of your character. What is, is not learning from our mistakes, which we both have. We were young and dumb and pussy whipped.”

I expect Holl to laugh, but he cringes instead. “I should’ve confessed a long time ago, but I felt too stupid.”

“Confessed what?”

He drags his eyes up to meet my gaze, his face turning red as he squirms in his seat. “I married Rebecca because she wanted to get married, and because…” Hollister pauses again, shaking his head like he’s about to tell me where the body is buried. “Because you got married. Fuck.”

I tilt my head, completely confused. “What?”

“I felt left behind. I missed hanging out and all the time together, so I figured I might as well do it too. Then at least maybe we could hang out as couples instead of me being a weird third wheel.”

“Fuck,” I whisper. “I had no idea. You said you loved Rebecca.”

“I did. In a way. Or maybe I just thought I should. There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with her. She was sweet, funny, sexy.” He rubs his forehead. “But what she really wanted, I couldn’t give her. She wanted the white picket fence, the dog, and two-point-five kids. I thought I could do it, you know? I had the career, I bought the house. We looked at dogs and talked about ending protected sex. You know the rest.”

I nod. The rest. Rebecca becoming increasingly bitter over Hollister’s lack of decision-making about kids and pressuring him to make more money so she could quit working. His building resentment that he was pushed into a lifestyle he wasn’t ready for yet.

“Shit, Holl. We were young. It’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Why did you keep that from me? We tell each other everything. Not gonna lie, man, that kind of stings.”

He cringes again. “I was embarrassed, especially when your marriage was going great. Your business was blowing up. You were on top of the world. I didn’t want to be the black cloud you worried about.”

Sitting back in my chair, I reflect on that time. Was I so damn clueless that I didn’t see my best friend suffering so much?

“Yeah well, I didn’t do much better, did I? I ended up divorced too. And why? Because I ignored Britt. She said I spent too much time at work, and she was right. I did.”

“She wasn’t patient enough to wait for the payoff.”

“Worse. She didn’t have faith that I would get here.” I lean closer. “Does that make us bad people? We were in our early twenties and we had no damn business getting married yet. We fell for the trap so many people do. But it worked out. Both of them found nice guys to marry and have kids with. You and I… Well, we’re happy, right?”

“If I was happy, would I be the subject of an intervention?” He smiles, taking some of the seriousness of his words away. “I’m glad this happened. I needed to see where I was going wrong. I’ve spent almost twenty years chasing my dad’s approval, just to find myself still without it. Instead of focusing on finding a relationship, I bury myself in work.”

“Hey, man, this is what I’m here for. I’ve always got your back, no matter what. You know that, right?”

“Of course, and same.”

“I know. So why don’t we get out of here and go break some hearts?”

Hollister grins. “I promise I’m going to do my best to have fun this weekend. I appreciate you.”

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