Page 23 of Calculated Chaos

“Preach, Pix,” Tanks says.

I tear my eyes away from Axel to let all of this sink in. I don’t even know what I’m questioning right now. My sexuality? My career? My vanilla tendencies in the bedroom? Everything?

All I know is that I’m forty, and that feels like it carries some weight with it. Like a fork in the road. All I have to do is decide which way to go.

Piece of cake.

Chapter Twelve

HOLLISTER

By the time I manage to get to my desk on Tuesday morning, I feel like I’ve stepped into an alternate reality. Everything that felt completely normal on Friday feels foreign now. Tight, like a suit jacket you’ve grown out of.

The buzz of a busy office swirls around me—a sound I’ve become so accustomed to I barely notice it—but today it’s loud. Annoying. I close my office door to try and get my bearings.

When I left work on Friday, all I could think about were the reports I hadn’t finished yet. Since I started this job, I’ve always pushed myself to get them in before the other managers. It’s an unspoken expectation of me, but right now, I can’t summon the interest to even boot my computer up. My head is simply too full of the experiences I had this weekend to think about something practical like work.

Just a couple of minutes later, while I’m still sitting dazed at my desk, Sara opens my door and peers in with a bright smile.

“Well?” she asks.

I gesture for her to enter. “Well, what?”

“Am I fired for participating in the intervention?”

I just laugh. She already knows she’s not fired. “No.”

“Whew,” she says, playfully wiping her forehead. “Did you have fun, at least?” she asks, plopping down in the chair across from my desk.

“I had a blast. It was great.”

Her face lights up. “Can you tell me any of it, or is it top secret?”

I laugh even as I squirm, and my stomach does a flip. “Top secret,” I answer, and she pouts, making me laugh more. “It was good for me, and something I definitely needed.”

“Well, yeah, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out you’ve been working a little bit too hard these days.”

“I guess so.”

She stands up, walking to the door and leaning against the frame. I study her for a moment. I don’t know a lot about Sara’s personal life. I don’t know if she’s fun and adventurous or a homebody. I don’t know that about anyone I work with. I keep my head buried in reports too much.

“It gave me a lot to think about,” I add as she waits quietly for me to process my thoughts. “Turning forty is no small feat, you know?”

She nods, smiling. “It’s a big milestone.”

“Right, but Axel dragging me to experience new things made me realize I’m not really living life to the fullest. I pretty much let work dictate… well, everything.”

She nods. “It’s easy to do. You have a lot of responsibility here.”

“Yeah, I do. I’m honestly not sure how to feel about it all yet, but I know I can’t go back to how things have been.”

“Oh?” she says, taking a seat again. “What do you mean? Are you rethinking your career?”

“I’m rethinking everything right now. The intervention did its job. It really pulled the rug out from under me and made me start questioning a lot of things in my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it all yet, and I don’t think I need to decide right away, but yeah, I’m thinking.”

“I think that’s really good.”

“I’m sure my dad won’t.”

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