Page 22 of Calculated Chaos

“So it was like a ‘this could be you’ moment. Massive wake-up call. I was only thirty at the time, but twelve years goes fast. I quit the next week, went up to my friend’s cabin in the woods for a month and figured out my next steps. I decided to use all that energy I put at my sales job taking care of myself and my well-being. It led me to this industry, and I’m so much happier. Lost fifty pounds and got in shape, reduced my stress almost completely, and discovered a whole aspect of myself I didn’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

Tank moves to my other side, working gently on my shoulder. “I was raised by a man who had no tolerance for anything perceived as weakness. He pushed me and my brother into everything he thought symbolized manliness. Hunting, sports, you name it. He encouraged us to start dating young, meanwhile, he kept my sister and mom practically locked in a tower. They had to be protected from the kind of men he was trying to raise.”

Reminds me of Axel’s dad.

“I fell for it,” Tank continues, “until that month in the woods. There were parts of me I’d buried, knowing they wouldn’t be okay to let out around my dad, but I woke up. I decided it was my life I was living, not his. Nothing was ever enough anyway. My brother is a top cardiologist, one of the best in the country, and my dad still acts like he’s just average.”

“That sucks.”

“It used to. It doesn’t now. I do what makes me happy first. I came out at thirty-five after realizing I was both bisexual and polyamorous. Or, I should say accepting. A part of me was well aware of my attraction to men and women. I deconstructed the religion I was forced to follow as a kid and walked my own path. I moved to New Onyx where I knew I could live the way I wanted to. I rebuilt everything from the ground up, and it was worth every challenge.”

My eyes flick to Axel who appears to be sleeping while Pix works on his back. Pix glances at me and winks, flustering me. I turn away quickly.

I lie quietly for a few minutes, processing Tank’s story. So much of it resonates with me.

“Uh, so how did you know? Like, about being bisexual? What’s the difference between being aroused by sexual stimuli versus the actual biology of a person?”

“Well, that’s a hell of a loaded question. What do you mean?”

“Okay, like…” I pause, thinking of an example. “Porn. You see a man and a woman having sex, right?”

“Right.”

“It turns you on to see the guy’s, you know, how he’s built and handling the woman.” I clear my throat as my body heats. Who even am I, talking about this stuff with a stranger?

“I’m with you,” Tank says, chuckling.

“So, are you turned on because hey, you’re watching two people have sex, or…?”

“Ah,” he says.

“Have you watched gay porn?” Pix asks, chiming in, and I cringe realizing he can hear the whole conversation.

“No,” I answer. “Why would I?”

“If you have questions, it’s a place you can start,” Tank explains. “If you get aroused by two men having sex, maybe you’re onto something.”

“For example,” Pix starts. “I can see a stunning woman. I can admire her body and the beauty of it, but not a single cell in my very gay body wants to be sexual with her. I’m more interested in where she got her shoes so I can see if they have them in my size.”

“Oh. Gotcha.”

“And if I was watching straight porn, which by the way means I’ve been kidnapped and forced, I imagine I could possibly find something good by watching the man.”

I snicker at his colorful way of explaining things.

“But I’m not gay,” Tank says. “So I see a beautiful woman and I’m attracted to her. The wake-up call was realizing all the times I felt the same kind of draw to a man I found hot. I just shoved that part down.”

“What did you do about it?” Axel asks, indicating he’s also listening.

Awesome.

“Tested the theory,” Tank says, chuckling and digging a knot out from under my shoulder blade. “I went out to a gay club and waited to see if I had a reaction. I did. Then I got approached and the idea of leaving with him was a good one. The rest is history.”

I open my eyes, finding Axel’s gaze already on me. I know my cheeks are burning red at this point, but I hope the dimness in the room is hiding it. Is he thinking about the same things I am? Did the dungeon fuck him up too?

“My advice?” Pix says. “If it’s on your mind at all, why not try it. The worst outcome is you don’t like it. No big deal. That goes for anything, by the way, not just dating. I went on several dates with women in college, just to check. I tried on different gender expressions before landing on fluid. I moved around the country until I found the spot that felt like home. Life is a journey. Enjoy it.”

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