Page 52 of Calculated Chaos

“What… what was it like? I mean, I came.”

“I knew you were going to. I wanted to feel it. Wanted to taste you. I wanted to know if…” He shakes his head. “I guess, if this attraction is the real thing, you know? Not just spankings and whips but that I really want you. All of you. All of this.”

“And?”

He lays his head on my inner thigh, eyes shifting up to me. “I asked you to teach me who I really am, and you did. This is me. Submissive and needy. This is me, sexually and emotionally attracted to a man who just happens to be my best friend.” His eyes turn glassy. “I feel like I just stepped into a universe I didn’t know existed. Not just the sub stuff, but this. Us. Sex has always been… you know, okay, but not epic.”

“Yeah.”

“But this was epic. I’m not afraid to admit that if you’d bent me over to fuck me, I would’ve let you. I wasn’t just saying that.”

“I wanted to, but I didn’t want to overwhelm us. When I saw you bent over, I knew it was all real. Who really cares why we didn’t see it before? Maybe we just weren’t ready yet.”

“Yeah.” He sits up but sways a bit. “Oh damn.”

“Fuck. I messed up aftercare too. Sit right there.”

I hustle out of my chair and walk over the snack area, grabbing water, juice, and a package of cookies. When I return, I help Hollister into the chair.

“Eat your snack. I’ll be right back.”

Hollister grins and nods while I hustle over to the sink to get a warm cloth. I return to his side, kneeling to wipe his torso down. He watches me with sweet eyes, dutifully eating his snack.

“I like this side of you, Ax.”

“I like this side of you too.”

* * *

By the time we enter our place a few hours later, both of us are exhausted. Everything was overstimulating, but there’s a certain peace within me I’m pretty sure I haven’t felt before. I hope Hollister feels the same way.

He grabs my hand and leads me to the couch. As we sit, he scoots closer and lays his head on my chest.

“The first time you kissed me on the cheek,” he begins, “I remember thinking it was nice because my family wasn’t affectionate like that.”

“Yeah?”

He tickles my chest through my shirt. “Eventually I got used to it, but I’ve always liked it. I hoped you would keep doing it even as we grew up. You kept getting more chill and fun and affectionate and I kept getting more serious and uptight.”

I wrap my arm around him and rub his back. “You had a lot of pressure on you.”

“I know, but it means a lot to me that you never left. You never made me feel like I was lame, even though I was.”

“You’re not lame, Holl. I’ve always loved hanging out with you, even if all we do is order a pizza and watch a movie we’ve seen a hundred times. It doesn’t matter as long as we’re together.”

He tilts his head up. “I’ve wondered many times why you didn’t go out and find people you have more in common with. I’m glad you didn’t, but I feel like maybe I held you back.”

“Hey.” I card my fingers through his hair. “I’m a grown man. I can choose who to hang out with and my first choice is always you. It always will be you. Do you know why?”

He huffs a laugh. “Not at all.”

“Because you get me. You knew me when I was just a scrawny kid that was too loud and couldn’t pay attention in class. You never cared what I did for a living or how I dressed or how I acted. You’ve never judged me or told me I need to settle down or get serious about life. You just accept me the way I am.”

“You’re easy to accept.”

“So are you, even though you don’t think so, but that’s your dad talking. Look at all the other people in your life, Holl. You’re a great guy, and your heart is big, and the fact that you don’t throw it around at everyone makes it really special when you do. I’m proud of you. So proud. Being your best friend, and now… whatever this is, makes me feel like a fucking king.”

“Come on, Ax.”

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