Page 31 of Calculated Chaos

“Back at ya. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye.”

I end the call and sit down on a bench by the man-made lake. This little green space in the middle of the busy city is such a welcome reprieve from the madness.

Axel was right. This feels good and immediately takes the edge off my nerves. I tuck my phone away, resisting the urge to check my email for my dad’s response, and instead soak up the sun and the light breeze. Birds chirp and squirrels scamper through the grass and up trees, and for just a few minutes, I let my mind wander, allowing it to land where it wants.

No surprise it takes me back to Friday night. Memories flood my mind of the moment Axel used the crop on me and the shameless way I pleaded for more. Maybe there really is an unexplored part of me waiting to be uncovered.

Pulling out my phone again, I open it to a browser and search “how do I know if I’m into BDSM.” Several articles show up, but one catches my eye right away, “Are you a Dom, a Sub, or a Switch? Find out at our seminar.”

I click it cautiously, like a Dom will jump out of my phone and spank me. As I read through it, I realize it’s at the club we went to on Friday. Huh. Maybe there’s something to that whole ‘universe listening’ stuff Sara is always going on about.

I read over the details several times while trying to make a decision about it. It seems like a safe place to explore, and if I went alone, I wouldn’t be distracted by what Axel was thinking. It is a gay club though, but I probably should explore the reaction I had to men touching me. Tank, I mean. I don’t want to explore the reaction I had to Axel. I’m sure it was nothing. Just overstimulation and our closeness as friends blurring reality. I’m not into guys. I’d know that by now.

There’s probably some repressed daddy issue that made me like Tank telling me what to do. As for Axel, well, he often leads me, so I trust him. Right. That all makes sense on a psychological level.

I remember the journal Axel gave me in my jacket pocket and pull it out, reading over the first page. The first question is, what one thing can you do today to shift your energy?

Sending my report late was probably enough energy shifting for one day, but my eyes drift back to my phone, still open on the seminar page. Am I brave enough to attend a kink class at a gay club?

Reading the description again, I realize it’s tomorrow night at six. I could always tell Axel I’m working late to finish the audit prep, but I never lie to him. If I told him, would he want to come with me? Do I want that?

I blow out a breath and lean my head back on the bench.

“You okay?”

I sit up when a man sits next to me. “Oh, yeah. I’m good.”

“Hope you don’t mind company. All the benches are full.”

“Uh, no. I have to get back to work soon anyway.”

The man smiles at me, studying my face. There’s something unusual about him. Not his looks. More like his… energy?

“You seem like you have something heavy on your mind,” he says.

“Oh, um, kind of.”

“You could tell me if you want. I’m a good listener and a perfect stranger. No judgment here.” He drags a hand through his long, dark hair, his smile wide, his teeth sparkling white. He could be a movie star looking like that. Something about the way he’s looking at me draws the words from my mouth.

“I was exposed to something new recently. It affected me and I’m not sure if I want to explore it or ignore it.”

The man nods. “Ah, the classic dilemma. Let me ask you this, what if both choices were equally right?”

I tilt my head. “Huh?”

“Imagine for a moment the outcome of each path, knowing without a doubt that either one is correct. You can’t make a mistake.”

“Okay.”

“Now notice how you feel about each one, again knowing that it will turn out okay regardless of which option you choose.”

I nod, closing my eyes for a second to imagine attending the class. My body reacts immediately, heating up and tingling as memories of the sharp sting of leather hitting me rush back. I go further this time, imagining myself naked and helplessly restrained, the crop leaving stinging marks on my flesh, Axel’s voice whispering ‘good boy’ as he delivers another blow.

My eyes fly open, my breath heavy in my chest. The man smiles as if he knows what I saw in my mind’s eye.

“Next option,” he whispers.

---