Page 117 of Imperfect Player

There is only one thing in the world that feels like that would bother with my sorry ass.

Everly.

Fuck.

I hit her.

“Shit,” Everly curses under her breath.

My elbow hit her in the eye as I moved my arm.

“Everly? Fuck. I’m . . . ”

Bile rises in my throat. I’m not sure if it’s from the alcohol or the fact that I just hit the woman I love—intentional or not.

I shove off the couch. Unable to stand, I immediately drop to the ground and crawl my way to the bathroom, gagging.

My head hangs over the toilet as the remnants—from last night or this morning, it’s hard to tell—projectile into the bowl.

A soft hand. A gentle touch.

Everly.

She’s next to me on the floor, her hand rubbing my back.

I don’t deserve her or her kindness. I certainly don’t deserve to have her here sitting next to me.

“Why are you here?” I ask between vomit sessions.

I’m not just referring to the bathroom, at my side while I vomit. I mean with me, period.

“Shh.”

“You shouldn’t be. I don’t deserve you.”

“Maybe not.”

I’m grateful she doesn’t refute my statement. There is nothing in the world that could convince me that I deserve love, let alone the love of someone as good as Everly.

“I deserve you, though. I deserve the happiness you bring me.”

Finally done, at least for the moment, I sit back and wipe my mouth.

“This is happiness?”

“No. Not this minute. But the ones in between. Those are. The nights when we laugh on the phone. Or you rest your head in my lap. The moments you kiss me, hold me, treasure me. Those are pure joy.”

“For me too,” I tell her.

I’m not sure if she’ll believe me or not considering my current state. Or maybe it helps her believe it more. That during those moments, the more frequent they became, I didn’t drink. Not when I was with her, at least.

I didn’t need to. I had her. My other addiction. My drug.

My love.

I close my eyes, flashes of me with Everly stampeding my mind. I want that. I want her. I want the happiness that being with her brings. Not like this though. Not when I’m a fucking train wreck.

“You should go. You shouldn’t be here.”

---