Page 81 of Double or Nothing

“For just a minute, put your anger and fear aside,” Liz tells me. “It’s just you and Sutton, nothing standing in your way. What do you want?”

“But there are things standing in our way.”

Her heavy sigh comes through the phone. “Humor me, Kat.”

As twisted up as I feel inside with reality standing in our way, in a perfect world, there is only one resounding answer—Sutton. I want Sutton. I have from the first time I saw him. I may have only been fourteen, but even then, I knew. I knew he was it for me. My everything.

“I want Sutton,” I admit sheepishly.

“Then go get him, Kat. You can play what-if as much as you want, but at the end of the day, the only thing really standing in your way is you. Nothing in life is guaranteed. You should know that better than anyone.”

I do. I know the ‘life is precious’ speech more than I should. First, my dad, then my mom. Both gone from my life way too soon.

Is that what I want from Sutton? Do I want him gone from my life?

Or will losing him for good only worsen the constant ache in my heart?

“I’m still mad at him,” I say, not disputing her advice.

“I know, and you’ll forgive him when you’re ready. Down the road, I’m sure he’ll piss you off again, and you’ll forgive him then, too, because that’s what we do with people we love. We forgive them.”

“Even if I can forgive him, how do I forget? How do I let go of the fear he’s going to leave me again?”

“You have to trust him, Kat. You have to trust what he’s saying to you is the truth. If you want my opinion, I think it is. He came back for you.”

“Except, if you ask him, he didn’t want to come back. Mac tricked him.”

“Jesus, Kat.” I can practically see her rolling her eyes at my constant excuses, and her tone is laced in frustration. “The guy told you he loves you. He said he would move back to town—for you. What more do you want from him?”

“I don’t know,” I say softly. Liz is right. Nothing in life is guaranteed, so how can I expect either of us to make that kind of promise to each other? We’ll try. It’s the best either of us can do. “I have to go.”

“Kat…”

“Goodnight, Liz. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

*****

His hand on the doorknob, his forearm resting on the doorjamb, he rubs the sleep dust from his eyes. Even through the sleepy slits, I can see the confusion in them.

“Kat? It’s five in the morning. What are you doing here?”

I’ve drunk so much coffee, I am nearly bouncing off the walls. Entering the room, the words fly out of my mouth at a million miles a minute.

“I couldn’t sleep. I just kept thinking about what you asked me, and the more I thought, the more my heart hurt.” I turn to face him as he leans against the now shut door. “You broke me, Sutton. You made me pick between the only two things in the world I loved. And when you didn’t like my answer—you left. You left like a goddamn coward and never looked back. Not even for my mom’s funeral. You were too busy to be bothered.”

“Kat, that’s—”

“No. I talk. You listen. Then you show up here. Turn me into your personal servant and tell me you still love me.” I throw my hands into the air. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?”

“I… uh…”

“Exactly. Well, you want to know what I did?” He nods, though he looks unsure if he actually wants my answer. “I went home and drank a shit ton of wine, then I drank some coffee trying to sober up, and now, here I am, a complete fucking mess. That’s what I’m afraid of, Sutton.” My shoulders sag, and my voice quiets. “If you leave again, I don’t know if I can make it back.”

“Kitty Kat, I’m not going anywhere without you. Ever again.”

“You say that…”

“I mean that,” he says, his voice unwavering. “I never wanted to leave you five years ago. I don’t want to leave you now. You, Kathryn Keller, are every chord of every song. I’m nothing without you.”

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