Page 8 of Double or Nothing

“Not everyone finds being terrified, enjoyable,” I reply.

I can feel the movement of Sutton’s chest as he tries to hide his laughter. “Not nice,” I reprimand him.

“Awe, it’s okay, Kitty Kat. I’ll protect you.”

I roll my eyes at him and settle against him for the movie. Because I am a scaredy cat and will most likely need that exact protection that he’s offering sooner rather than later.

It’s not long before my mom drifts off to sleep. My eyes gravitate away from the movie and onto her. I watch her for a few moments, peacefully sleeping, and wonder what life will be like when she isn’t in it. What do I do without her? How do I go on?

Not to mention the house, the bills, all of it. I don’t know how to do any of it, but her impending death doesn’t exactly leave me much of a choice.

I gently shake her awake. “Hey, Mom, why don’t you go to bed?”

Her eyes flutter open. “Oh, man. I didn’t even realize I fell asleep. Sorry, kids. I didn’t realize how tired I was.”

She might not have, but I noticed. The whole world could have seen it. She, however, refuses to acknowledge any bit of deterioration. Not because she’s avoiding the truth of her reality or refusing to accept it. Somehow, she’s managed to do that with a grace that I wish I possessed. She’s just trying to enjoy every last moment.

She yawns and stretches before standing up from the couch. I move to help her, but she stops me. “You two finish the movie without me.”

“But…” I go to stand, but Sutton holds me back.

“Let her go. She’s okay,” he whispers.

I tend to hover. A lot. I know this, but I don’t care. I can’t bear anything happening to her sooner than it needs to. Any ounce of protection I can provide her – I’ll do it.

“Listen to your handsome boyfriend,” my mom says, a small laugh escaping her as she does. “Night, kids. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Night, Mrs. Keller,” Sutton replies.

I sit on the couch next to Sutton, but leave space between us to let him know I’m angry with him. Not that it will last long. It never does.

He just doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know how terrified I am. How desperate I am to keep her, to not be alone in this world.

“Don’t be like that,” he says as he scoots closer to me. “I get it. But…”

“You don’t, Sutton. You don’t get it. She’s dying and I can’t help her. You don’t know what that’s like.”

Emotions that I try desperately to keep at bay rear their ugly head. Watching her suffer, watching the cancer slowly take over her body is its own form of torture. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier on her, if it just ended sooner rather than later. But then, selfishly, I pray that she doesn’t go, that things don’t change.

A strangled sigh escapes and Sutton’s arms are around me in an instant. “I know I don’t understand, not really. But what I do know is that she doesn’t want you hovering. She still needs to feel that semblance of life, of authority over it. She needs to still be here… until she really can’t be anymore. And most of all, she wants to enjoy what time she has with you.”

“How can I enjoy it when I need to…”

“Because you don’t. Not every second of every day. Smile with her. Laugh with her. Be her daughter, not her caregiver.”

“I’m trying; I’m just so scared.”

“I know.” Sutton pulls me against him, my head resting on his chest. “I’ll be right here with you though, Kitty Kat. We’ll get through it – together.”

Chapter 6

Sutton

“What do you think?”

Liz beams from ear to ear. “I think it’s perfect.”

“Yeah? You think she’ll actually be able to relax enough to enjoy it?” I ask.

---