Page 112 of Total Obsession

"You don't have to if you don't want to," I said. "It doesn't really have anything to do with what happened now."

"Well, that's not really true," he said to me. "It's fine. I'll tell you."

It was the first day off from the diner that I’d had in a while. It was pretty late in the day, and neither of us had eaten. However, I didn't think that either of us was hungry. There was so much that hadn't been said between us for so long that neither of us had the appetite for food.

It seemed like the only appetite in the room was for the truth.

"I went home that day after our altercation at the high school," he said. "I locked myself in my room the entire evening. I was really distraught over what had happened between us. Distraught and confused.

"Had I done something to offend you? Had I said something you didn't like? These were the sorts of questions that were running through my head at the time. The thought of losing you..." he sighed, and my heart clenched at even thinking back to that day. "It hurt so much."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"It's okay," he said turning to look at me. "Really. I don't want you apologizing to me anymore."

I just laid there quietly but didn't agree.

"My father came home that night, drunk off his ass. You knew my father had abused me in the past. You were the only one that knew or seemed to care at least.

"Well, he tried to get into my room. Tried to rape me like he had when I was a kid. Except this time I was 14. This time, I was bigger and could fight back. Also, this time, I was already totally on the edge in terms of my emotions from everything that had happened that day."

My eyes were wide, and he shook his head at me.

"I really don't want you to think that I did any of thisbecauseof you, Zoey. I know how you are. I know you might blame yourself. But, please know that it's not your fault. We talked about this last night, remember?"

I nodded my head, but I was afraid that the rest of this story was going to haunt me.

"There was a paperweight at the edge of my desk. It had been my mother's. Did I ever tell you that she'd been a journalist? I used to look through all her photo albums. She traveled to some of the most amazing places and brought back some amazing things.

"This one was a little replica of the pyramids. Sharp at one end and made of metal. I reached for it as he tried to claw at me and drove it into his temple."

I gasped at the thought of this happening to Axe. It was almost as if I could see the scene clearly. I remembered just what he looked like during those years. So different than the way he looked now, but in many ways, also the same.

"Something inside of me broke that night," he continued. "I wish I could say that I felt guilt over it, but I didn't." He sighed. "It was like I completely lost my sense of humanity because I didn't stop hitting him until he was well past dead."

It was such a horrible image that it brought tears to my eyes. He turned towards me and brushed them away gently with his thumb.

"I think I understand," I said to him. "Because it's just like what happened to me in that alleyway."

"Did you lose yourself?" he asked.

I nodded. "It's like I can't even remember what happened. I just went from being attacked to you pulling me off of him, covered in blood."

"You did what you had to do," he said.

I shrugged. "Maybe," I said softly. "So, what happened afterward?"

"When I finally came to and realized what I'd done, I knew there would be questions. So, I started that fire at the house and fled the scene." He put his arm under his head. "And no one seemed to question his death. I guess when you're enough of a bastard, people don't really care how you died."

"Do you think you ever got over it?" I asked him, wondering if I'd be haunted by my actions for the rest of my days.

"I don't think I ever blamed myself for it," he said. "So, I don't think there was really anything to get over." He leaned over and tilted my chin up so that I had to look at him. "That's what I'm trying to tell you. There's nothing for you to get over, either."

"In all my years, it's just not something I ever thought I was capable of," I admitted. "It's just not something that ever even crossed my mind."

"I'm just going to keep saying it to you, Zoey. You did what you had to do."

"Maybe one day I'll believe that," I said, letting the extra tears I was holding back fall down my cheeks.

---