Page 32 of Penelope in Retrograde

My father growls. “Let me guess. That damn Mackenzie boy is back.”

“You can’t run away every time a conversation doesn’t go your way, Penelope,” my mother says.

“I’m not running away,” I say. “I’m going to dance under the full moon with that damn Mackenzie boy’s mother. Naked. Open the blinds tonight if you need to find me.”

Chapter 10

Penny: I’m doing it again.

Jackie: Doing what?

Chelsey: Kegels?

Penny: Turning into the worst version of myself.

Penny: I swear, the minute I land back in this zip code, I go all Paris and Nicole from the early ’00s.

Jackie: I’m going to need you to be more specific.

Chelsey: At least you’re not wearing a velour tracksuit with JUICY on your ass.

Penny: Honestly, it’s too much to text.

Chelsey: Video chat?

Jackie: Maybe in the morning before I’m completely drunk with my NJ cousins?

Jackie: 10 AM?

Chelsey: I can make that work.

Penny: I’ll try.

Chelsey: And Penny, just remember that we love you.

Chelsey: No matter what version of yourself you are.

Jackie: Seconded.

Those smut witches are the best humans on the planet, and I am simply not worthy of their friendship.

Penny: Love you hoes.

“Knock, knock.” Martin pushes open the door warily. “I’ve been instructed to inform you that your guest has arrived.”

“Thanks,” I say dryly. I walk across the room to my purse and empty it out on Phoebe’s bed. “I’ll be down in a sec.”

“I’ve, uh, considered your request.” He clears his throat. “While I think it’s the strangest favor anyone has ever asked of me, I’ll do it. Under one condition.”

“If you’re hoping there’s going to be a second peep show—”

“No. Believe it or not, I haven’t asked a girl to show me her boobs since high school. And for the record, that was a dare.”

“All right, then.” I unclasp my necklace, which has gotten tangled in my hair and Diane Keaton dress. “What’s your condition?”

“You help get me out of playing golf with your father on Friday.”

“Not a golfer? You look like a golfer.”

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