I have to wake up and believe that being a father is a job I’m meant for. Everyday.
The absence of Jessica’s mother notwithstanding, I think I do an okay job most of the time.
“I don’t know how you do it, Hunter,” Axel says. “I mean, I say that to Gillian all the time. How you do it on your own. You deserve a fucking medal or something.”
“If you were in my shoes, you would have stepped up too,” I say.
“Don’t sell yourself short, Hunter,” Grant says. “Take the compliment.”
More than a friendship, Grant, Axel, and I have formed a support group. I didn’t know how badly I needed it until we stumbled into a heavy conversation at a party in the Solace backyard that simultaneously made me want to crawl out of my skin and also alleviate the pressure of keeping my feelings bottled inside for the past…I don’t even know how many years.
It’s our version of therapy.
“Just because there were unhappy parts of our childhoods doesn’t mean that we don’t know what a happy one looks like. I think that’s something we just take for granted from a traumatic childhood. I mean, look at the Solace girls. They went through all that with Aileen, and I haven’t heard Harley question once her ability to be a mother to Tana,” Grant explains.
That’s true. “Chalk that up to Kent, I guess,” I say.
“Yeah, talk about a man who stepped up,” Axel adds.
Grant smiles to himself. That is his best friend. “Maybe we could all take a couple pages from his book.”
I’ve been trying to take pages from Kent’s book. However, I’ve never had the confidence to ask him outright for his advice. I know the pain I feel over being a single father. I can’t imagine how it feels from his perspective, left with five daughters all over the age of ten. With Veronica, my ex, I always resent how she didn’t try. But Kent has to look at his ex-wife and realize that she tried and then opted out.
I don’t know what’s more heartbreaking.
“What do you think, boys? Some apps?” Grant asks, opening up the menu.
“Please, I’m starving,” Axel says.
While they pour over the options, I retreat back into my thoughts. I’m more like Kent Solace than either of these guys, at least in the parenting sphere. I am fathering on my own.
So, why the hell does Amy hate me so much? Shouldn’t she understand where I’m coming from? Did Kent Solace really never need to unwind and treat himself? I mean, he had five daughters running around, for Christ’s sake! I can’t imagine the pressure and stress. That man deserves a break every now and then.
Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe Kent Solace is the model single dad and I’ll never live up to that potential.
However, if Amy thinks I’m some sort of bad dad to Jessica, I think that would just about kill me.
Grant and Axel start arguing over the different dishes. I’m about to cut in and make an executive decision (leave it to three businessmen to not being able to resist arguing over something as simple as appetizers) when my phone buzzes.
Another text from Blonde Kelly. I open it.
What can I bring tonight? Champagne? A friend?
I sigh. This girl has just suggested a menage a trois and I’m not the least bit excited. I think I need a break.
I text back quickly.
Something came up. Rain check.
Then I turn off my phone and put it away, leaving the thought of Blonde Kelly behind me.
If only Amy Solace could see what a good guy I was being. Perhaps then I could get on her good side.
5
AMY
“Okay, I’ve mapped out the house into sectors,” Kira announces, putting her notebook out on Gillian’s coffee table. “I’ve assigned everyone certain sections with time allotments. If we buckle down, I think we can have all of this done by six.”