Actually, I want his everything.
20
AXEL
I had to come back for her.
I couldn’t leave Gillian after that. Pretend that I’ve just been fine inside, life as normal.
Nothing has been normal between us. For years, really. And today, it boiled over inside me.
I had intended to come to explain myself and where I stood. How I feel about her. What I want. But the second I saw her standing there with her pepper spray, ready to kick a guy in the nuts if she had to, I just had to have her. I couldn’t hold myself back.
Now, here she is, in my arms, her breath steadying. I’ve just told her I’ll give her everything and I mean it from the bottom of my soul.
“You want some water?” she asks in a raspy voice.
I don’t want her to leave me.
“I’m so thirsty.”
But I can’t make her stay. “S-sure.”
We unlock from one another; my body recoils against the cold air, the feeling of not being inside her.
“Be right back,” she says shyly with a small smile before disappearing through the office door.
I’m suddenly hit with a memory of our time together, seven years ago. The first time. At my house. I was staying there alone for the week while my dad was on a business trip. Obviously, Lola was out of the country. And Jeremiah and Dad had just had their blowup a few months before. Just me. Gillian would come by to keep me company. One thing led to another and…then we were in my bed.
That first time, once we were finished, she slipped out of bed, offered to get me water. I was such a selfish guy I let her. At my house. Not that she didn’t know every nook and cranny already from having spent nearly half her childhood at our house to hang out with Lola.
“Gillian, wait,” I say, going after her.
I’m a little too late. She’s already grabbing water from the tap in the bakery proper. Outside, the sun is merely an ember on the horizon. “Hm? What is it?” she asks.
I just stare at her for a minute. I’m ready to be a grown man about this. It’s taken me long enough.
Gillian narrows her eyes. “You okay?”
I swallow.
“Here, have some water.”
“No,” I say too forcefully. “I mean…”
“Axel, what’s wrong?”
“I fucked up,” I finally say. “I’ve been fucking up for a long time now.”
Gillian gives me a cocked smile and comes over to me, putting the water glass on the counter beside me for me to take. “Is this your new postcoital pillow talk? Because it’s definitely working…” she jokes.
I’d laugh if my heart wasn’t spiraling into ribbons. “Gillian, listen. What I did…all those years ago. It wasn’t right.”
Her smile falls and she looks away. “Oh.”
I wish she’d say more.
“Water under the bridge,” she says and starts to retreat back into the office.