Page 41 of Montana Rain

“You’ll never lose me, Rayne.”

“Don’t say that,” she breathed. “You can’t. Because bad things happen to people I love. I know it’s a strange thing to hear from a therapist, but I would rather be without you than fall in love with you and lose you forever.”

It took all my focus to keep my body relaxed and easy. The pain in her voice was palpable. She’d gone through something, and I wanted to protect her from it, even though it was clearly in the past.

“Who did you lose?”

Rayne shook her head, hair tickling my chin. “Not now,” she whispered. “I’m not ready for it, and even with us all alone, you haven’t earned that.”

I understood. We weren’t at the place to share our darkest secrets. Or at least, she wasn’t. But I could give her an offering to show her I was serious and to tell her I got what she meant.

“I haven’t told you why I joined the FBI, have I?”

“No.”

Clearing my throat, I moved, drawing my hand down her side and moving her even farther onto me.

“Well, I definitely understand what it’s like to do things because of people you love. My brother, Jamie—” I swallowed. “My brother was killed by someone a lot like Simon Derine. He hadn’t even done anything. They thought he was someone else. But he called me, terrified. I was still in the military, but I was home, and I couldn’t get to him in time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It was a long time ago.”

Slowly, Rayne drew her hand up my chest and slid it back around my side where it had been. “It doesn’t mean it hurts less.”

“Yeah.” I took a long, slow breath to ease the ache in my chest. “You’re right. I was close to leaving the service, and when I was approached to join the Bureau, I did it because I wanted to stop people like the Riders. I didn’t want anyone else’s brother to die because of assholes like him who thought guns and drugs were more important than people’s lives.”

My voice choked in my chest, and I fought the rising emotion, even though we’d agreed to be honest. No matter how long ago it had happened, when I focused on it, everything was still raw.

“But I couldn’t even tell my own partner was dirty. Right in front of me the whole time, and I never questioned or suspected. Even when I had a suspicion, it was justified. I let myself be mollified and talked off the ledge. I failed so utterly and completely. The entire reason I joined the Bureau feels like a joke.”

Then, the piece of it I’d never fully shared with anyone, not even myself, spilled out. “Part of me wants them to expel me. It would be a fitting punishment for…being so foolish. For failing.”

Rayne was so still, I felt like she might break. “You didn’t fail.”

More people than she had told me that since the takedown. It didn’t make it real. Because no matter how many people told me I wasn’t a failure, I was. “It doesn’t feel that way.”

“You took a bullet in the leg, Cole. As soon as you knew the truth, you did everything you could to save the person who needed it most. You brought Emma and Daniel home alive. That’s not a failure. That’s being a hero.”

Discomfort squirmed inside. “I’m not a hero, Rayne.”

“And I’m not a princess, but if you’re going to call me one, then I can call you the other.”

I chuckled. She had a point there, and I wouldn’t fight her on it. “Fine. But more to the point, if you don’t think I failed, then neither did you. I know what happened to my brother wasn’t my fault, even if I hold myself responsible for it.

“Whatever happened to your people wasn’t your fault either. Because loving someone is never a bad thing.”

She was quiet for a long time. And when I heard her voice again, breath brushing against my throat, it was low and sleepy. “What’s your favorite color?”

I smiled in the dark. She hadn’t returned any of my questions earlier, and she didn’t need to. But this felt like more. It felt like an olive branch and a reaching-out and both of us clinging to something nameless, breathless, and desperate.

“Green.”

“Favorite music?”

“Classic rock,” I admitted. “I’m an open book, Rayne. Whatever you want to know about me? I’ll tell you.”

“Anything?” Her voice was a tiny murmur.

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