Page 66 of Untamed

“I have her,” she says again. “Go.”

So I do.

It’s pretty wild how one event can give you perspective on so many other things in your life. I’ve been lying in bed for the past three days, going over everything that got me to this point. No one wants to be twenty-eight, single, and living in their mom’s house. So I’ve just been trying to figure out where I went wrong.

“You’re not single,” Poppy had said as I dried my tears on the floor of the barn. “He did not break up with you. He just said he needed some time.”

Still feel single. The look of betrayal on his face is burned into my brain. I should’ve told him. Why didn’t I just tell him? Or stay? I should’ve stayed. I should’ve emailed my professors and told them what happened. People get to make up tests all the time. I just used those finals as an excuse to get the hell out of Dodge. I was too selfish to stick around.

And now it feels like he’s left me all over again. My dad left me when he died. My mom left me mentally when Dad passed. Janie even left me to go live in New York and get married. Hayes essentially left me twelve years ago. Addie…

Everyone leaves. Everyone always leaves.

I roll over and cry into my pillow, wanting to scream from the amount of hurt I feel over all of it. He told me to stop running. I did. And look where it got me.

There’s a knock at my door. Oh, lovely. Mom has decided to notice me for once.

“Yeah?”

She says nothing, just opens the door, walks over to my bed, and sits on the edge. I roll back over and look at her. She’s so frail now, her body just wasting away a day at a time. Janie and I tried to get her to go to therapy. We knew she needed to work through the trauma from losing Dad. But it never stuck.

I think she went maybe three times before she gave up and crawled back into bed. Some days are better than others, but ever since Dad died, I’ve not seen any light in her eyes. It’s like there’s nothing there. Just…sadness.

“You haven’t gone to work.” Her voice is quiet, weak. I wonder when was the last time she ate something.

“No.”

She clears her throat.

“Did you lose your jobs, Janie?”

“River.” I sigh. “It’s River, Mom. And no. I didn’t lose my jobs.”

“Ah, yes. Janie is in New York.” She swallows, and I can hear the rough sound of it. “Living her best life, not a care in the world for her mother, rotting away in this godforsaken town that took your father.”

Mom and Dad never had favorites between us. We were always loved and doted on equally, but after the accident, Mom turned all that love into scorn. No matter how much one of us tried to help, it was never enough. If we weren’t both here, suffering the same as her, we were selfish and stupid children.

“Janie has a husband and a full-time job, Mom. She can’t just leave and come back here to take care of you.”

“Is that what you’re doing?” She finally turns her gaze on me, and it breaks my heart all over again. All I want is a mother that loves me, that looks at me like I’m a human being, something precious she created out of love. Not like dirt on the bottom of her shoe.

“Yes. That is what I am doing. I moved back here, and I work two jobs to support both of us.”

“You’ve been in bed for three days. How is that supporting me?”

“Mom.”

I sit up and scoot back against the headboard. It’s the same twin bed I’ve had since I was a kid. I’m pretty sure it’s the same mattress, too. I don’t remember her ever getting either of us a new one. And judging by the lumps, it’s definitely old.

“I don’t need your lectures,” she says, venom dripping from her tone. “I need you to get off your lazy ass and make us some money!”

Red splotches appear on her cheeks, and just that small amount of effort sends her breath heaving. She’s so small and weak, and I wonder how much time we actually have left with her.

“I have been working nonstop since I moved back.” I swallow thickly. I don’t want to cry. I’ve wasted so many tears on her, and I know she doesn’t deserve them anymore. But she’s still my mom. I still want her to just love me. “We are fine. I’m just not feeling well.”

“Not feeling well.” She scoffs. “You think I don’t hear the rumors around town?”

Not sure how she would. She rarely leaves this house, and when she does, most people avoid her like the plague, not knowing when she’ll decide to go off on them or break down. People learned quickly that she was unfortunately beyond help.

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